I just spent the last hour or so wasting time on the internet and even bought a goddamn living social deal for someone to fuck with my hair. Sorry Michael! And I'm especially sorry to your Mr. Erik, I'm not cheating. Well maybe a little but my hair needs it and I needed the distraction. So now I'm trying to sit down and think without over thinking and failing miserably at even beginning my assignment. This friends, is not it! So far I've been able to distract myself with the television and facebook stalking. And now I'm back to you!f
It's been a lot of this and a lot of that. Mostly chaos and depression and all things in the way of awful since right around my birthday. Next year I'm picking a new day and celebrating like I've earned this shit! Cause I totally have.
So anyway... without further a do the clift notes of the last month:
Family drama caused me to go off the deep end. It really shook me to my core. It shook lose a lot of pent up anger and frustrations that I have held in for my entire life about one of my sisters. I felt like I lost the rest of my family and because my mom was my best friend growing up it felt like someone took a sledgehammer to my heart each time we spoke. My irrational reaction to their irrational reaction made everything so muddled and it felt like it was me against the world. The feeling of loss felt insurmountable. The sadness in my soul was dragging me deeper and deeper and drinking more and more than I should have. I know very damn well that drinking is bad for me and it doesn't fix depression it aids it... in dragging you down deeper. I reached a breaking point when I was having multiple anxiety attacks and eventually started crying at work. Lucky for my darling coworkers I was able to do it outside their presence. So I called our doc and he couldn't see me until February. For real doc? His receptionist said this is their busiest time of year. I wonder how many of their patients end up as residents at the Johnson unit?
So to keep myself from being one of those I did something I wouldn't usually do, I sought out a new doctor. It's a temporary gig for her. She works as part of an employee program so I only see her a few times. It's been interesting. I went into it thinking she was gonna throw her hands up after the first 5 minutes and tell me that I am too much drama for her. But she stuck through it with me. On our second visit she told me that although she's been doing this a long time and has seen a lot of family drama she had never run across this situation and a tough one indeed.
So where are we now? At our second session we came up with a temporary game plan. It is helping me to survive the in between time. Meaning I'll have to revisit this when I am ready to go to Cali again. Basically I am spending way too much time, effort, energy and suffering too much because of someone who doesn't give a fuck about me. And while it is easy to say just ignore them or just don't think about them in practice it isn't. There is nothing easy about it. Because you wish you had the love of someone who is supposed to love you but you never have and really never will. So what do you do? You have to cut them out of your life. For the safety of your sanity and all of the other relationships in your life you have to make hard choices. Because even though you have come from the same lineage, the same DNA... it isn't what makes you family. I wouldn't let "friends" do me that way, I would have told them to fuck off and die long long before they could do more damage.
So for now we are practicing avoidance therapy. I guess that's not really what a professional might call it and that's probably not exactly what I'm doing. I dunno, this is all pretty vague to you all only because the details are ugly and painful. I really don't want to rehash it all AGAIN. The assignment that I've been avoiding is to rehash all my memories and then let them go. I am to write down all the painful memories that have been coming to the surface and then in as ceremoniously as I care to do so set them on fire, bury them, flush them whatever I want but destroying them none the less. Will it make everything better? Of course not but it is the beginning of the healing process.
Thursday
Wednesday
Beggars can be choosers
Beggars can't be choosers. Where did that silly expression begin? Who says a beggar has lost the right to choose? Last night I watched a woman walk out into the cold night because of her own convictions. Because she was offended by one of the people that were there to give her a warm and safe place to sleep.
It broke the remaining solid pieces of my heart into tiny crumples. I spent all evening with her just chatting, she never intended to stay. She wouldn't take a cup of coffee that was provided by food for lane county. She never said why but she said she didn't accept anything from them. She wasn't a drug user, or a drunk. She was a mother to 3 adult children, a grandmother to 8 and a great-grandmother to 2. Life has a funny way of taking you to places you never expect. She didn't want to talk about her family much, only to say she loves them very, very much and it is painful to talk about them sometimes.
From the moment she sat down to chat with us she made it clear she wasn't staying, only came in to warm up. As the bitterly cold night dragged on she finally said what I was hoping to say. "Take my info, I'll stay tonight." It warmed me up to know she wouldn't be spending the night outside alone in some dark and cold place. At least for this night when I had come to care she would have somewhere safe to be. Then just as unexpectedly a side conversation began, some maybe not so light hearted banter took place and she said never mind. Please stay I asked her, please. No, she couldn't do that. It wasn't pride that kept her from staying, it was her conviction that no man could take a stand as was taken in the house of the lord. It was crushing to see her walk out into the cold, get on her bicycle and ride into the night.
My shift ended almost immediately after and I walked out determined that if I should see her I would take her home with me to give her a warm safe place to stay. But I didn't find her... I went there last night hoping to find something my soul was crying out for. To soothe my aches or to simply distract myself from my fears, pains and struggles. And I found something in her. She listened to me make no sense as I tried to get things off my chest without falling apart to tears. She reminded me that God is bigger than all my worries and will never steer me wrong. That sometimes we have to go back into the cold and trust that HE will see us through.
It broke the remaining solid pieces of my heart into tiny crumples. I spent all evening with her just chatting, she never intended to stay. She wouldn't take a cup of coffee that was provided by food for lane county. She never said why but she said she didn't accept anything from them. She wasn't a drug user, or a drunk. She was a mother to 3 adult children, a grandmother to 8 and a great-grandmother to 2. Life has a funny way of taking you to places you never expect. She didn't want to talk about her family much, only to say she loves them very, very much and it is painful to talk about them sometimes.
From the moment she sat down to chat with us she made it clear she wasn't staying, only came in to warm up. As the bitterly cold night dragged on she finally said what I was hoping to say. "Take my info, I'll stay tonight." It warmed me up to know she wouldn't be spending the night outside alone in some dark and cold place. At least for this night when I had come to care she would have somewhere safe to be. Then just as unexpectedly a side conversation began, some maybe not so light hearted banter took place and she said never mind. Please stay I asked her, please. No, she couldn't do that. It wasn't pride that kept her from staying, it was her conviction that no man could take a stand as was taken in the house of the lord. It was crushing to see her walk out into the cold, get on her bicycle and ride into the night.
My shift ended almost immediately after and I walked out determined that if I should see her I would take her home with me to give her a warm safe place to stay. But I didn't find her... I went there last night hoping to find something my soul was crying out for. To soothe my aches or to simply distract myself from my fears, pains and struggles. And I found something in her. She listened to me make no sense as I tried to get things off my chest without falling apart to tears. She reminded me that God is bigger than all my worries and will never steer me wrong. That sometimes we have to go back into the cold and trust that HE will see us through.
11/23/11
Someday's you just have to smile through the pain and know that there is a higher power that is watching over you. There is a plan greater than all of us and regardless of how things may seem to you, you really don't know what the greater good is.
With the holiday's approaching, I think we find ourselves contemplating on the year. Our successes and our failures, our blessings and our losses. It becomes a period of remembering what we have and tossing an extra dollar in that donation bucket or buying a can of food to put in a collection bin. As warm and fuzzy as we all feel when we do this it always leaves me with a feeling of guilt. Because I can and should be doing more. I should be doing something everyday, not only because some holiday is upon us. That I should be thankful everyday for every breath I take, for every smile I see, for every meal I have, for every morning I wake up to, for every time I hear my mothers voice. And I am... most days. I've spent a lot of time reflecting this year. Trying to figure out who I am and who I am supposed to be; realizing that I am more than the sum of my own parts. I am a complete person because of those around me, the people who love me and even those who hate me. I am made up of the personalities of my beautiful friends who know when to hug me and are glad to tell me I need my meds. I have learned from the amazing strength and courage of a stranger how to choose joy and from his beautiful wife, how to accept that the master plan doesn't mean it won't hurt. I watched my friend suffer through one of the most painful losses she will ever experience with such grace, strength and courage that she was there supporting others that have suffered the same loss and grief only days after her own. I have been privileged to be part of my sisters life has she grows into a completely different, stronger, smarter and braver woman than she was. I take no pleasure in the pain and struggles she has faced but feel overjoyed to be part of her life as she overcomes them so triumphantly coming out on the other side stronger and like a brighter star. I get a sense of pride watching her grow, none of it is my doing of course but I feel validated. For so long I've wanted someone to understand what I've felt when I've served someone a hot meal or given someone a hot cup of coffee as they come in from the cold. I've always feared that others might think I'm tooting my own horn or that I have some other agenda for wanting to spend my time this way. But I do it because I owe it to others. I owe it to them because for some reason I have been given more than I deserve. One smile or one thank you are more than enough payment for my time.There are no words in any language that can truly define that feeling. It is something you can only experience, it is heart breaking and it is uplifting and it is humbling. I want to share with you what my sister wrote on facebook today because I can't do justice to her feelings either, I can tell you it brought tears to my eyes. You get it sissy, you really really get it. "I appreciate & thank you all for your support - times get tough & when it rains it sure does pour. Seems like one bad thing right after another bad thing..when you think it couldn't get any worse, something else happens. As luck would have it, or I should say as God willed it, I was lucky enough to have the chance to help out my dear friend, Erik the Busy Little Queen. He asked for my help and I wholeheartedly said yes. He asked if I could deliver all the blankets & food he has collected so far. Natty & I drove to a church in Temecula that runs Project Touch which helps out homeless men, women & children. I explained why I was there & all Heaven broke loose. The joy that these blankets and cans of food brought these people was exhilarating. This is what I needed, what my heart needed. To be there, to talk to some of these people, to see and feel the happiness in a little girl when Natty handpicked a blanket that had a babydoll attached to it was unimaginable. Thank you Erik and thank you God for helping me see a light that I was looking for. For helping me remember that it can always be worse, but that people are good. So tonight I will lay my little head on my pillow and say my prayers with a whole lot of extra love, extra thankfulness, and extra joy. I learned my Thanksgiving lesson today. Happy Thanksgiving, my friends. May you all be lucky enough to find that extra little something we all need. Love you all"
It's those beautiful moments that can haunt you the most. They start you on this trip down the rabbit hole wanting to fix the world. To feed every hungry person and to clothe every naked person. To bring peace to every troubled soul and a warm bed to every homeless person. It's not the worst thing in the world right? It's just something to reflect on. You might not change the world but you can help someone change their world. Lets all make a resolution today, to carry the euphoria from the holiday season throughout the year. To reflect and adjust our outlook and our attitudes every day not once a year. To choose joy in all our circumstances and to lead our lives as an example to others so that they too will learn how to choose joy.
With the holiday's approaching, I think we find ourselves contemplating on the year. Our successes and our failures, our blessings and our losses. It becomes a period of remembering what we have and tossing an extra dollar in that donation bucket or buying a can of food to put in a collection bin. As warm and fuzzy as we all feel when we do this it always leaves me with a feeling of guilt. Because I can and should be doing more. I should be doing something everyday, not only because some holiday is upon us. That I should be thankful everyday for every breath I take, for every smile I see, for every meal I have, for every morning I wake up to, for every time I hear my mothers voice. And I am... most days. I've spent a lot of time reflecting this year. Trying to figure out who I am and who I am supposed to be; realizing that I am more than the sum of my own parts. I am a complete person because of those around me, the people who love me and even those who hate me. I am made up of the personalities of my beautiful friends who know when to hug me and are glad to tell me I need my meds. I have learned from the amazing strength and courage of a stranger how to choose joy and from his beautiful wife, how to accept that the master plan doesn't mean it won't hurt. I watched my friend suffer through one of the most painful losses she will ever experience with such grace, strength and courage that she was there supporting others that have suffered the same loss and grief only days after her own. I have been privileged to be part of my sisters life has she grows into a completely different, stronger, smarter and braver woman than she was. I take no pleasure in the pain and struggles she has faced but feel overjoyed to be part of her life as she overcomes them so triumphantly coming out on the other side stronger and like a brighter star. I get a sense of pride watching her grow, none of it is my doing of course but I feel validated. For so long I've wanted someone to understand what I've felt when I've served someone a hot meal or given someone a hot cup of coffee as they come in from the cold. I've always feared that others might think I'm tooting my own horn or that I have some other agenda for wanting to spend my time this way. But I do it because I owe it to others. I owe it to them because for some reason I have been given more than I deserve. One smile or one thank you are more than enough payment for my time.There are no words in any language that can truly define that feeling. It is something you can only experience, it is heart breaking and it is uplifting and it is humbling. I want to share with you what my sister wrote on facebook today because I can't do justice to her feelings either, I can tell you it brought tears to my eyes. You get it sissy, you really really get it. "I appreciate & thank you all for your support - times get tough & when it rains it sure does pour. Seems like one bad thing right after another bad thing..when you think it couldn't get any worse, something else happens. As luck would have it, or I should say as God willed it, I was lucky enough to have the chance to help out my dear friend, Erik the Busy Little Queen. He asked for my help and I wholeheartedly said yes. He asked if I could deliver all the blankets & food he has collected so far. Natty & I drove to a church in Temecula that runs Project Touch which helps out homeless men, women & children. I explained why I was there & all Heaven broke loose. The joy that these blankets and cans of food brought these people was exhilarating. This is what I needed, what my heart needed. To be there, to talk to some of these people, to see and feel the happiness in a little girl when Natty handpicked a blanket that had a babydoll attached to it was unimaginable. Thank you Erik and thank you God for helping me see a light that I was looking for. For helping me remember that it can always be worse, but that people are good. So tonight I will lay my little head on my pillow and say my prayers with a whole lot of extra love, extra thankfulness, and extra joy. I learned my Thanksgiving lesson today. Happy Thanksgiving, my friends. May you all be lucky enough to find that extra little something we all need. Love you all"
It's those beautiful moments that can haunt you the most. They start you on this trip down the rabbit hole wanting to fix the world. To feed every hungry person and to clothe every naked person. To bring peace to every troubled soul and a warm bed to every homeless person. It's not the worst thing in the world right? It's just something to reflect on. You might not change the world but you can help someone change their world. Lets all make a resolution today, to carry the euphoria from the holiday season throughout the year. To reflect and adjust our outlook and our attitudes every day not once a year. To choose joy in all our circumstances and to lead our lives as an example to others so that they too will learn how to choose joy.
Saturday
thanks giving
I was driving home this morning recognizing every face I drove past. The ones that are usually invisible to me and probably you too. The unclean, scruffy men and women that live on the streets of Anycity, USA. Not long ago I was talking to them, spending time with them, interacting with them. But now I was in my warm car groaning under my breath about running out of gas and my achy back and they were back on the streets.
The steps up to my condo seemed to go on forever. I felt heavy with guilt. I just came from the basement of a church downtown where 50 men and women and some pets all spent the night like a giant slumber party. At 5:30 we had the changing of the guards. New volunteers streamed in and a few night watchmen got relieved of their posts to go home. 6 am was the wake up call. Folks started stirring awake and prepping for their day. A group of lovely old ladies and a few good men were already started in the kitchen. Coffee and breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast, a little cheese. When I got in I was told I was on clean up crew and I could have stayed in bed a while longer. I thought boy I wish I'd known that! What a jerk I am.
I sat around for a few minutes, the guests were still getting up. A few were sitting in the foyer with us and we chit chatted til people got moving. I made a job for myself helping retrieve peoples belongings and giving away bus passes. I collected blankets and packed stuff away. People kept thanking me for being there and I had to stop myself from saying thank you for coming. Cause really Zu, I don't think they would be there if there was anywhere else for them to be. They were all so friendly. I don't know why I expected anything else but I was just surprised at how kind they all were. One man came out of the sleeping room with a huge grin on his face. He said he came in and got dinner which he totally wasn't expecting and went to bed. He said he got up to pee and then right back to his mat and slept like a baby. It's terrible that these places can't be open all the time...
Last night I worked at a church near our place. I did intakes, something like 18 people during the time I was there. Once everyone was checked in they were free to hang around until dinner or they could go to bed. I spent the next few hours chatting with people watched others put together puzzles and read books or their bibles. It was so humbling to spend time with them.
I spent time with 3 men they were all older men, kind and happy with a little sadness in their eyes. When I was doing their intake one of them stopped and said to me "do you know how many lives you're saving tonight?"
I walked in the door a while ago, exhausted and sad. I climbed into my king size bed where my husband slept while cartoons played on the tv that we keep on all night for his sleeping comfort. And I sobbed. I sobbed as quietly as I could so as to not wake him. I got out of bed and came to my living room, turned on our 40 something or 50 something inch tv and pulled my lap top off the floor. My brand new lap top connected to my over priced wireless network. And I think, why do I deserve any of this?
The steps up to my condo seemed to go on forever. I felt heavy with guilt. I just came from the basement of a church downtown where 50 men and women and some pets all spent the night like a giant slumber party. At 5:30 we had the changing of the guards. New volunteers streamed in and a few night watchmen got relieved of their posts to go home. 6 am was the wake up call. Folks started stirring awake and prepping for their day. A group of lovely old ladies and a few good men were already started in the kitchen. Coffee and breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast, a little cheese. When I got in I was told I was on clean up crew and I could have stayed in bed a while longer. I thought boy I wish I'd known that! What a jerk I am.
I sat around for a few minutes, the guests were still getting up. A few were sitting in the foyer with us and we chit chatted til people got moving. I made a job for myself helping retrieve peoples belongings and giving away bus passes. I collected blankets and packed stuff away. People kept thanking me for being there and I had to stop myself from saying thank you for coming. Cause really Zu, I don't think they would be there if there was anywhere else for them to be. They were all so friendly. I don't know why I expected anything else but I was just surprised at how kind they all were. One man came out of the sleeping room with a huge grin on his face. He said he came in and got dinner which he totally wasn't expecting and went to bed. He said he got up to pee and then right back to his mat and slept like a baby. It's terrible that these places can't be open all the time...
Last night I worked at a church near our place. I did intakes, something like 18 people during the time I was there. Once everyone was checked in they were free to hang around until dinner or they could go to bed. I spent the next few hours chatting with people watched others put together puzzles and read books or their bibles. It was so humbling to spend time with them.
I spent time with 3 men they were all older men, kind and happy with a little sadness in their eyes. When I was doing their intake one of them stopped and said to me "do you know how many lives you're saving tonight?"
I walked in the door a while ago, exhausted and sad. I climbed into my king size bed where my husband slept while cartoons played on the tv that we keep on all night for his sleeping comfort. And I sobbed. I sobbed as quietly as I could so as to not wake him. I got out of bed and came to my living room, turned on our 40 something or 50 something inch tv and pulled my lap top off the floor. My brand new lap top connected to my over priced wireless network. And I think, why do I deserve any of this?
Tuesday
Where oh where have I been? Well going batty over on the facebook of course! Really though, I owe you all a blog entry. I finished the reboot and stayed all mum about it. Aren't you all just burning with anticipation at what the end was like? What is life like after the reboot? No? Yeah, me either.
Well it ended pretty low key. By the last few weeks it was getting tiresome. Not because we wanted steak and lots of it, but because I don't know... It just was. I was just tired of washing bottles, and making juice and washing the juicer. But we did it, we finished. I don't have official numbers to give you all besides my weight. In the 60 days I lost 26lbs and my blood sugar average was approximately 107. Unlike Mike, I didn't go get all my starting numbers checked cause I had done them like a month before we started. I have an appointment to get my A1C checked on November 1st and sometime in the near future I'll get my cholesterol checked. See this is how envision that going... I'm going to get up really early one morning. The lab opens at 7:30, so I'll jump on my bike around 7 ride the 4 miles to the lab, let them draw my blood and then I'll jump back on my bike and start riding to work. Somewhere along the trek, say about 1.5 miles down the road I'll pull over at Carl's Jr. and scarf down a double famous star with cheese, extra onion, extra pickles and a milk shake. Then I will stare out the window at my bike thinking "shit what did I just do..." As I learned recently I don't puke on command, so I will roll down the street very very slowly. I will stumble in the door and into my desk sweating like crazy and Georgia will think I am in the midst of a heart attack. Yup that is exactly how it will happen. Ok maybe not the milk shake cause I really don't like them, and it probably won't be a double but chances are good that something horrendous will enter via my face. BUT! Did y'all catch the part about me riding my bike there? If you didn't well then you suck and you need to go back and read it again!
Anyway something similar will happen around my A1C appointment. Though it's closer to my office than the lab and I don't think there is anything on the way that I could stop and shove down my gullet. The point I'm making is that we have changed our habits. The first weekend off the fast we were in Seattle where plenty of poor choices were made, however, they were less destructive than the kind of choices we made in our previous life. I instigated a trip minus Mike to Red Robin where I couldn't choke down a full 1/2 of a burger. I didn't have but 1 french fry and yes I did have a few pieces of appetizer and a salad. In days gone by I could eat the entire appetizer by myself, follow it up with a dinner salad, then a Red Robin cheeseburger, all the fries in my basket and a second helping of bottomless fries. Jesus Christ writing that out made me kind of sick! So the new me had a dinner salad, a few pieces of an appetizer and a few bites of a burger and a french fry. It was a substantial difference let me tell you! Also when I was done I was 1. incredibly regretful and 2. full to the point of physical pain. I wanted to throw it all up and boy did I try. If I had tried any harder my hand would have been INSIDE my esophagus. Nothing would come back up, it was like my body was like IT'S MINE NOW HEIFER!! So since being home we've been sticking to mostly salad, soups and the like. We went to our first post fast bbq and ate steak. We each had a small piece of meat the size of our palms. The entire weight of both our steaks was less than the weight of 1 steak we previously would have happily ingested. I fell victim to the bag of potato chips that Liz brought but again I'd say I did pretty good considering my history. For the most part I have been biking with Mike on an almost daily basis. There are some days when I tell him to eat my shorts, especially on those days when the rain is pouring down. After the incident with his phone and his waterproof suit I decided to stand my ground against riding in the rain until I have better rain gear. Ok really that's just an excuse. I told him I would do it if I had a good pair of goggles and a zip lock bag. Frankly when the rain is pouring down and you can't see where you're going and your bike light is no longer enough light to cut through the dark, it really makes it hard to look outside and say "sure let's go for a ride". I'm getting better though, at this point I can do the 11 mile loop without stoping. I can also now finish the 14 mile loop. That still requires a break but unlike the first time, I no longer faint when I get to the top of the nasty hill. Yeah nothing funnier to watch than 3 goofballs on the side of the road and one of them flat on her chunky back. I couldn't believe it you guys! Everytime I got back up I was like oh no I'm going back down. It was funny in retrospect and mostly annoying in the moment. I was ready to call a cab. You know they have them with bike racks around here!
So how do I feel otherwise? Well I've been taking my meds, that's good right? I have my good days, I have my bad days. I've been dipping into a slump though. My boss used to say we can't have peaks and valleys, zu! She said it a lot and it pissed me off because of the context of the conversation. I think of that statement cause it's how I feel lately. But I suppose that is what I can expect suffering from Bi-Polar. Recognizing when it's coming on is the only thing I can control. Sleeping 12 hours straight without disturbances was probably the most glaring sign that somethings coming on. I mean sure I was tired from working 4x10's to make up some time which means being up and at work at 7. But I was doing that for a few months, and sure now it's dark and cold but it is generally dark and cold in this state. Still I don't generally sleep for 12 hours straight. Hell I can't usually sleep for 5 hours without waking up for something or because of nothing. So there I was waking up and thinking Jesus did I just really sleep that long? It was a bad Saturday from there and I hate that I took it out on Mike but he's there and sometimes it will be something he said or did that sets me off. I don't know how many times I can say sorry cause I know it's going to happen again. I'm not a miserable ass who just wants to make everyone else just as miserable, especially not Mike. It's just the hand I was delt and I am trying to make it less shitty for the poor man who has chosen to stand by me.
They say you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family and I think that's a fallacy. Look at Mike, he stands by me even if he's mostly cowering in the corner through my episodes. And for those of you who were unfortunate enough to watch the destruction of my relationship with one of my sisters on facebook, you know that you can choose what family isn't worth keeping in your life. Life is painful enough without letting the toxic energy of other people make things more difficult. Believe me it hurts. It hurts probably as much as the pain of cutting off a limb without anesthetic. It crushes me to think that I might never see my baby Tori again. I was there the day she was born, I was there through my sisters pregnancy entire pregnancy. I love my sister, I always have and will. It's very hard to say what I want to say about it in such a public forum. Not because I'm worried someone will tell her what I say, by all means do! And I'm also not worried about what she might say because as we've all seen she has no trouble coming up with something extremely nasty and hurtful to say. I'm not her doormat to walk all over, sorry sis. Really what it boils down to is that it's painful for me. We have had our ups and downs but for a while there we were really close. I enjoyed being her friend as much as her sister. I don't think she's ever truly given two shits about me as a person or much less as a sister and that realization is crushing. As a family we have had such a tumultuous relationship with her. I don't know what was different about her than the rest of the kids, but somewhere along the way it was like she made every one of us the enemy. She might say that it's just my parents and I that are the enemy but we all know she only backs down to certain people because she will be completely fucked if she sets her final bridge afire. So it is what it is. I'm glad to have so many people in my corner who see me through my crazy episodes, through my depressed episodes and are there to celebrate when I'm in a great manic episode. I have a great party in my corner and I am thankful for every single one of you. I might not say it often enough, but I am glad you're in my life guys.
So let us all just keep taking our meds and drinking our juice and eating our veggies and riding our bikes. And lets laugh cause if we don't have laughter what do we have?
Well it ended pretty low key. By the last few weeks it was getting tiresome. Not because we wanted steak and lots of it, but because I don't know... It just was. I was just tired of washing bottles, and making juice and washing the juicer. But we did it, we finished. I don't have official numbers to give you all besides my weight. In the 60 days I lost 26lbs and my blood sugar average was approximately 107. Unlike Mike, I didn't go get all my starting numbers checked cause I had done them like a month before we started. I have an appointment to get my A1C checked on November 1st and sometime in the near future I'll get my cholesterol checked. See this is how envision that going... I'm going to get up really early one morning. The lab opens at 7:30, so I'll jump on my bike around 7 ride the 4 miles to the lab, let them draw my blood and then I'll jump back on my bike and start riding to work. Somewhere along the trek, say about 1.5 miles down the road I'll pull over at Carl's Jr. and scarf down a double famous star with cheese, extra onion, extra pickles and a milk shake. Then I will stare out the window at my bike thinking "shit what did I just do..." As I learned recently I don't puke on command, so I will roll down the street very very slowly. I will stumble in the door and into my desk sweating like crazy and Georgia will think I am in the midst of a heart attack. Yup that is exactly how it will happen. Ok maybe not the milk shake cause I really don't like them, and it probably won't be a double but chances are good that something horrendous will enter via my face. BUT! Did y'all catch the part about me riding my bike there? If you didn't well then you suck and you need to go back and read it again!
Anyway something similar will happen around my A1C appointment. Though it's closer to my office than the lab and I don't think there is anything on the way that I could stop and shove down my gullet. The point I'm making is that we have changed our habits. The first weekend off the fast we were in Seattle where plenty of poor choices were made, however, they were less destructive than the kind of choices we made in our previous life. I instigated a trip minus Mike to Red Robin where I couldn't choke down a full 1/2 of a burger. I didn't have but 1 french fry and yes I did have a few pieces of appetizer and a salad. In days gone by I could eat the entire appetizer by myself, follow it up with a dinner salad, then a Red Robin cheeseburger, all the fries in my basket and a second helping of bottomless fries. Jesus Christ writing that out made me kind of sick! So the new me had a dinner salad, a few pieces of an appetizer and a few bites of a burger and a french fry. It was a substantial difference let me tell you! Also when I was done I was 1. incredibly regretful and 2. full to the point of physical pain. I wanted to throw it all up and boy did I try. If I had tried any harder my hand would have been INSIDE my esophagus. Nothing would come back up, it was like my body was like IT'S MINE NOW HEIFER!! So since being home we've been sticking to mostly salad, soups and the like. We went to our first post fast bbq and ate steak. We each had a small piece of meat the size of our palms. The entire weight of both our steaks was less than the weight of 1 steak we previously would have happily ingested. I fell victim to the bag of potato chips that Liz brought but again I'd say I did pretty good considering my history. For the most part I have been biking with Mike on an almost daily basis. There are some days when I tell him to eat my shorts, especially on those days when the rain is pouring down. After the incident with his phone and his waterproof suit I decided to stand my ground against riding in the rain until I have better rain gear. Ok really that's just an excuse. I told him I would do it if I had a good pair of goggles and a zip lock bag. Frankly when the rain is pouring down and you can't see where you're going and your bike light is no longer enough light to cut through the dark, it really makes it hard to look outside and say "sure let's go for a ride". I'm getting better though, at this point I can do the 11 mile loop without stoping. I can also now finish the 14 mile loop. That still requires a break but unlike the first time, I no longer faint when I get to the top of the nasty hill. Yeah nothing funnier to watch than 3 goofballs on the side of the road and one of them flat on her chunky back. I couldn't believe it you guys! Everytime I got back up I was like oh no I'm going back down. It was funny in retrospect and mostly annoying in the moment. I was ready to call a cab. You know they have them with bike racks around here!
So how do I feel otherwise? Well I've been taking my meds, that's good right? I have my good days, I have my bad days. I've been dipping into a slump though. My boss used to say we can't have peaks and valleys, zu! She said it a lot and it pissed me off because of the context of the conversation. I think of that statement cause it's how I feel lately. But I suppose that is what I can expect suffering from Bi-Polar. Recognizing when it's coming on is the only thing I can control. Sleeping 12 hours straight without disturbances was probably the most glaring sign that somethings coming on. I mean sure I was tired from working 4x10's to make up some time which means being up and at work at 7. But I was doing that for a few months, and sure now it's dark and cold but it is generally dark and cold in this state. Still I don't generally sleep for 12 hours straight. Hell I can't usually sleep for 5 hours without waking up for something or because of nothing. So there I was waking up and thinking Jesus did I just really sleep that long? It was a bad Saturday from there and I hate that I took it out on Mike but he's there and sometimes it will be something he said or did that sets me off. I don't know how many times I can say sorry cause I know it's going to happen again. I'm not a miserable ass who just wants to make everyone else just as miserable, especially not Mike. It's just the hand I was delt and I am trying to make it less shitty for the poor man who has chosen to stand by me.
They say you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family and I think that's a fallacy. Look at Mike, he stands by me even if he's mostly cowering in the corner through my episodes. And for those of you who were unfortunate enough to watch the destruction of my relationship with one of my sisters on facebook, you know that you can choose what family isn't worth keeping in your life. Life is painful enough without letting the toxic energy of other people make things more difficult. Believe me it hurts. It hurts probably as much as the pain of cutting off a limb without anesthetic. It crushes me to think that I might never see my baby Tori again. I was there the day she was born, I was there through my sisters pregnancy entire pregnancy. I love my sister, I always have and will. It's very hard to say what I want to say about it in such a public forum. Not because I'm worried someone will tell her what I say, by all means do! And I'm also not worried about what she might say because as we've all seen she has no trouble coming up with something extremely nasty and hurtful to say. I'm not her doormat to walk all over, sorry sis. Really what it boils down to is that it's painful for me. We have had our ups and downs but for a while there we were really close. I enjoyed being her friend as much as her sister. I don't think she's ever truly given two shits about me as a person or much less as a sister and that realization is crushing. As a family we have had such a tumultuous relationship with her. I don't know what was different about her than the rest of the kids, but somewhere along the way it was like she made every one of us the enemy. She might say that it's just my parents and I that are the enemy but we all know she only backs down to certain people because she will be completely fucked if she sets her final bridge afire. So it is what it is. I'm glad to have so many people in my corner who see me through my crazy episodes, through my depressed episodes and are there to celebrate when I'm in a great manic episode. I have a great party in my corner and I am thankful for every single one of you. I might not say it often enough, but I am glad you're in my life guys.
So let us all just keep taking our meds and drinking our juice and eating our veggies and riding our bikes. And lets laugh cause if we don't have laughter what do we have?
Friday
The Dirty "D" Word
Depression… It is such a stigmatized illness which is so incredibly treatable. Did you know depression is one of the most treatable of psychiatric illnesses? But really, why do we continue to suffer in silence? Many times it is because of the reactions received from those we know and love. Depression isn’t just about being in a bad mood or being sad because someone ate the last cookie in the jar. You can’t just “snap out of it” and people who ask you to do just that don’t say it because they don’t care about your feelings but because they don’t understand.
I have suffered from depression for the better part of my short life. It came and it went and it came back. Some days I didn’t understand why I was so sad, why I felt so empty or why I was so irritable, I just was. I didn’t dress in all black; I didn’t walk around sighing constantly, I was simply me. Quiet around a lot of people, scathingly sarcastic at times and ready for a good time most days. I don’t blame my parents for not recognizing it. Hell it took them 18 years to realize that I had been diabetic for a good chunk of my childhood. Unless you were bleeding to death, stopped breathing or had an irritating cough that didn’t let them sleep through the night; chances were you weren’t seeing a doctor. And some of the aforementioned were questionable (see sister impaling her thigh with a sharp stick, and got a bunch of butterfly bandages). It wasn’t that my parents didn’t care about our well being. I would never doubt for a second that we mean more than the world to them. It was just a different time… my parents didn’t speak English very well so they depended on us to advocate for ourselves in a way. We were always running around without shoes on much to my parents chagrin and getting hurt but we would pick ourselves back up and patch stuff together with the first aid kit. We were always getting into something… always. In kindergarten we had a class project where we made peg boards. You could put rubber bands on it and make different shapes by stretching them from peg to peg. Whose brilliant idea that was is beyond me. So it went like this: said brilliant parent supplied all the kids with a board, their own hammer (yes 4 and 5 year olds got sent home with a hammer in their back packs) and a bunch of nails. Under the close supervision of teachers and aides we hammered a bunch of nails into our boards. Surprisingly there weren’t any injuries in class; at least not any that I can remember. So once the day was over we all went home with our board’s nails and all. I used to sit on the potty and play with my board, set it on the floor, wipe and carry on (you’re welcome for the details). One day I jumped off the toilet and landed on the board. I remember I was wearing some pink thick foam like flip flops but one of the nails managed to go all the way through and get stuck in my foot. Oh the wailing that came next must have been enough to drive someone nutty, but not my parents cause they weren’t home. Instead my sister yanked the board off my foot and stuck a band-aid on the bottom of my foot and life went on. Then when we were like 10 or so my sister came down with something that made her face huge. Her face and neck looked like she tried to swallow her butt. My parents claimed it was the mumps but I think they just made it up. Lucky for us we were visiting with my uncle who decided we needed shots. Why me since she was the fat faced one?! I remember this pretty clearly cause he says stuff as a physician that would make one question seeing him professionally but hey free medical care? Who’s gonna turn that down? Anyway my sister was freaking out and he said don’t worry it won’t hurt. Seconds later she was freaking out even more loudly because it did in fact hurt and he had lied. His professional response was “I said it wouldn’t hurt but I didn’t say who it wouldn’t hurt and I didn’t feel a thing!”
See my childhood was great; I had everything I wanted and needed. Two parents who were married, I can’t speak to the status of their marriage although I can say that if there were problems we rarely saw the cracks. There were a couple of big fights I remember but I think I remember them because they were so few so they stood out. So here they are almost 40 years later still together, I’d say they have a good marriage. My dad was pretty strict, like stick up his butt strict for a number of years. When I was 8 my little brother was born and it really changed him. He softened up a lot. But even before that it wasn’t like he was a neglectful dad or anything like that. He would try and teach us to play softball and catch with him. Seriously do dads still do that? I wasn’t bullied in school, I was bullied by my sister which some might say would have been worse but I can’t say cause I don’t know the other side of it. It wasn’t a constant tormenting. I guess she was just mean. But I don’t by any means blame my depression on that.
As you all know I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder earlier this year. That is simply the fact, you don’t get bullied or teased into becoming bipolar but it doesn’t help. I was in high school when I really started to feel and recognize that I was depressed. Sure most kids will go through some mild form of depression or teenage angst but I felt more than that. I didn’t sleep much at night and spent most of that time on the internet talking to random kids who were probably going through something similar. Oh the days of dial up… My sister hated me… can you guys remember picking up the handset and hearing that awful fax machine sound? Anyway, I remember one day I was in class my junior year and I got called out of class. I wasn’t a trouble maker so I was a little freaked out. I was being summoned to the school counselor. She sat me down and told me that someone was worried about me. They were worried that I was depressed and could possibly consider hurting myself. I was kind of blown away. Sure I was depressed I thought I was hiding it pretty well, but I hadn’t considered harming myself. At that time I didn’t want to be in that office staring at that woman who probably thought I was insane. The last thing I wanted was a parent/teacher conference to discuss with my parents who I would need to translate for, why I was suicidal (I wasn’t). I told her I was fine and I didn’t know why anyone would have said that. Silly lady, who’s depressed? Not this girl!
Fast forward a few years and I’m sitting at work having a rage fit while on the phone with a customer. I’m furiously pounding my fists into my desk while trying to make this asshole understand that I can’t make a room open up just because he’s a new sucker that just purchased this time share. It was overwhelming, the anger not the customer. This wasn’t the first meltdown I had experienced not by a long shot. I remember an incident in the parking lot at the Wal-Mart where I was working. It was one of those moments that really shames me. I can’t remember the details but I remember I was screaming at poor Mike who was trying desperately to understand me. I was screaming angrily with that kind of rage that makes you sick. Mike was crying, I might have cried. In retrospect I wonder why Mike didn’t just pack it in. He didn’t owe me anything, he could have walked away right then. It would be a long time until I finally sat down with my doctor and asked for help. It would be an even longer series of doctors and medications and meltdowns and ups and downs, tears and tantrums, going on and off meds because I felt better then felt like shit again. All of it led me to my doctors’ office where we discussed the history of meds that I had tried. Doc, the Lexapro isn’t doing it anymore. I don’t feel any better, sometimes I feel worse. We had a very honest conversation that day. He asked me not to be offended or upset by what he was about to tell me he thought was going on.
I think in the years since I moved away I was able to become more honest with myself. Honest to a degree that many people don’t reach. Not only that but I have been able to put on my big girl pants and speak up. I’ve advocated for myself and my health. I am not shy about yelling from the mountain tops that I am a weak person, I suffer from a mental health disorder and I need help. It isn’t easy and you know sometimes it is easier to tell every stranger on the street than it is to tell your own family. Family can be the biggest critics. My family was quick to criticize my choice to go on antidepressants. Oh I heard it all. You just need to calm down, just calm down. You’re too tightly wound but you don’t need pills. You’re not depressed, what are you depressed about? You don’t have anything to be depressed about. You’re such an attention whore; you just want everyone to worry about you. You freak out about everything, you’re so dramatic. So why do you want to kill yourself?
Crimeny with the kind of support I got over the whole thing it was hard to keep going. But I felt better. I felt in control, I felt happy. Mike had a totally new girlfriend and he was happy. But as depression goes it’s all about the peaks and valleys. Then there’s the health insurance gods, they’re not very kind gods and try to dictate your health care for you. I was taken off this wonder drug Lexapro and put on Celexa. I promptly stopped that because it wasn’t the same. I didn’t feel like it was doing anything. I tried Zoloft for a while, then Welbutrin. None of it was the same and I stopped taking them all. I was working under Daniel by this point and I was a holy mess. If I wasn’t at work sleeping on my desk cause I felt sick I was yelling at a customer. Oh and that disgusting sunflower seed habit. I wish I could apologize to the cleaning crew for that gross mess I had going every single day. It was addicting and it soothed my nerves which in turn made Daniels job easier. I bet it was hard to explain to other supervisors why his team was always such a mess. He said once that compared to us the other teams were like a Communist dream. We were like the monkeys hanging off the chandeliers.
I wish I had known that under the calm exterior there was a serious storm brewing inside him. I wish I could have telepathically told him it would get better. I wish I had hugged him more and told him that this world would never be the same again without him. That he would have stuck around and tried a med or two and talked to a doctor or two so that we could have seen him at the end of an isle waiting for a beautiful bride. So that one day we could have cooed over pictures of newborns and joked about what a great job he was doing screwing up a kid like the rest of us. I wish I could have loaned him my loud mouth to yell from the mountain tops about his own pain. Because it does get better…
There are so many people silently suffering. Today suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S. I wish each of those persons knew they weren’t alone. I wish they knew that the pain they left behind is immeasurable and unnecessary. I wish they had been able to wait another minute. Maybe another minute longer contemplating it and they would have talked themselves off of the edge or given someone else the chance to do so. It is becoming far too frequent an occurrence. I want to spend my life celebrating with friends, not celebrating who they were. I want to visit my friends and have drinks and food and fun.
I spent some time with my wonderful friend this week as she started the grieving process and I was truly lost. There was a very present feeling of loss in the air and the silence was deafening. I know there is nothing I could have done to ease her pain much less, make it disappear. As we have learned through the loss of our friend before, grief doesn’t end it only changes. Her pain will take longer to heal and I can’t hope to ever understand what she’s feeling. All I can do is pray that they are able to move from pain to a different place where they can smile when they think of him. I don’t know if that’s possible but I hope it is.
I wish there was more I could do to remind people that there is help. I want to tell everyone everywhere that they don’t have to be stuck. There is another way out; there is a light at the end. Life gets better. Life is worth living.
Thursday
Today's blog brought to you by the letter Q
Q for Queen or quickie which is what this is! Today I just want to wish a wonderful birthday to my wonderful busy little queen!! Erik Velasco has been the #1 man in my life right after my dad for the last 14 years of our lives. Sorry Mike but ya'll share the spot cause he was here first! Thought thick and less thick Erik has been there supporting me and loving me even at my ugliest and especially through my ugliest hair.
I met this wonderful man in freshman year of high school. With his funky sketchers and his ponytail and that gorgeous smile of his. (I got the biggest crush on him but he would always flirt with another friend of ours and I was like fine whatever.) He is my soul mate and I don't know what I'd ever do without him. He understands my humor and he understands my antics and he tells me when I deserve a good backhand upside the head. He's seen me cry, I've seen him cry and at the end of it we just reminded each other that it's ok to be fatties! We've only fought once in our relationship and it broke my heart when I realized we weren't talking. After weeks of relentless calls he finally took me back. I tell ya, I was going nuts without my bestie. I was like that woman in Sweeden that called her ex something like 67,000 times? Thank you for taking me back Erik! You are the love of my life!!
I met this wonderful man in freshman year of high school. With his funky sketchers and his ponytail and that gorgeous smile of his. (I got the biggest crush on him but he would always flirt with another friend of ours and I was like fine whatever.) He is my soul mate and I don't know what I'd ever do without him. He understands my humor and he understands my antics and he tells me when I deserve a good backhand upside the head. He's seen me cry, I've seen him cry and at the end of it we just reminded each other that it's ok to be fatties! We've only fought once in our relationship and it broke my heart when I realized we weren't talking. After weeks of relentless calls he finally took me back. I tell ya, I was going nuts without my bestie. I was like that woman in Sweeden that called her ex something like 67,000 times? Thank you for taking me back Erik! You are the love of my life!!
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