Can you feel it boys and girls? The excitement building up for that fateful moment when people climb on their bikes and start to pedal into the streets of Seattle... Portland their final destination. Yeah I don't either. What I feel is paralyzing fear and anxiety!
What the fuckity fucking fuck was I thinking? That's the same sentence that plays over and over in my mind like a broken record. I can't fucking ride 204 miles! I can't ride 30 miles! I should have been riding more, I should have been riding faster, I should have been doing something. Shoulda coulda woulda... I have 6 weeks before I'm supposed to be riding and I am freaking out. Freaking out is an understatement. I have 14 days 4 hours and 20 minutes as of this second to obtain a partial refund of my registration and my fingers are itching to go do that. So what's stopping me? No one has a gun to my head saying I have to do this. It was my own idea to join, hell Mike was going to train to do it in 1 day if I hadn't said I wanted to do it. So here I am 6 months later sorely regretting my decision.
I sat in my therapist's office on Tuesday and cried my eyes out over this. When I say that this is having a tremendous impact on my mental state I really mean that. I am agonizing over this but why? There is so much self worth that has gotten twisted up in the spokes of my bike that I am amazed the fucking wheels turn at all. I have convinced myself that giving up would mean utter failure and not finishing would be just as terrible a fate. Victoria asked me what the worst that could happen be. I said I would be disappointing not only myself but I would seriously be letting Mike down. She asked me if I could set a goal something short of 204 miles which if I reached it I could be satisfied and not feel like a failure. I don't know I suppose so. But what would that number be? She suggested 29, a mile for every year of my age. No, I know I can do that... ok so think on it.
In the meantime, why do you want to do this? Are you enjoying this? It really doesn't seem like you enjoy more than the occasional weekend stroll or the to and forth from work, so why are you doing this yourself? Mike's face flashes in my psyche like a neon sign. It isn't so much about competing with him but he just believes I can do this so much that it has become some serious pressure. Sure there's the whole Mike did it so I should be able to too. There's a "anything you can do I can do better" thing we have going though he might not see it. The biking, it was kind of my thing at first. Remember me signing up for Tour de Cure and Mike's plan to sit on the sidelines enjoying a nice cold beer and meeting me at the finish line? And then when I finally did it he outdid me by doing a century ride to my measly 43. Fuck that! My 43 was killer and I survived with little training.
I'm this bipolar mess of emotions... (see what I did there? I'm on my meds... mostly :-P ) Anyway I flip between getting really angry and really depressed about this. Victoria tasked me with really reflecting on whether or not I want to do this and why. We agree that I do get this incredible high from completing something that I never thought I could but at what price? I beat myself like I'm clubbing a baby seal just over and over until there is nothing but a bloody mess left of me. Is it worth it? I don't know...
I told her I want to do this because I'm so tired of being a quitter. I want to be a completer not a competer. I want to be a completer not a quitter. I'm tired of running away from things that scare me or that might hurt me. But I also know that if I quit before I even get to the start line I will be a bigger quitter than I will be if I don't finish the ride. Tony Horton in the P90X video's constantly says "Do your best and forget the rest" I want to throat punch him every single time I hear that but when applied against this ride I think YEAH! I will ride as far as I can and when I can't I'll stop. I'll get up the next day and ride as far as I can. And if it means Liz picks me up and drops me off 10 miles from the finish line who the fuck cares! I will do my best and forget the rest.
So where does that leave me with Mike? Definitely not where I thought. I came home from therapy and asked him point blank if he would be disappointed in me if I didn't finish. He told me he knew 100% that I have it in me to finish. Ok thanks, but what if I get to the first 70 miles and I can't go any further? He asked me why I would stop. I didn't want to read between the lines but it became pretty clear that anything less than 204 miles wouldn't be enough for him and that hurt. I know that a lot of my problem is mental. I don't believe in myself enough and I'm letting the fear take over but what I needed in that moment was for him to say "do your best and forget the rest".
14 days, 3 hours and 56 minutes...
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