Saturday

If you really can't read my writings with an open mind please stop right here.

I'm reluctant to even write today but I definitely have something weighing on me. It's my nephews birthday so I called my sister to say happy birthday. Some days I wonder why I bother anymore. Maybe it is best to just take a long break from the family. I realize how hurtful that is to say but I am constantly having my feelings hurt by them.
I let myself become so consumed by the situations going on there that I forget that when I need support I may not find it there. I may be writing out of anger and hurt but that is where I am right now. I don't know who's reading and who doesn't and it's not that I don't care but ultimately I'm writing for me. I hope I don't hurt any one's feelings in the process but this really is for me. I have been changing and evolving over the last several months and it hasn't been easy. No one has ever claimed that change is easy. So I come here and I vent, and I say what I have to say and sometimes I feel better. I am 100% honest whether it's pretty or ugly, funny or dumb, whether or not it is interesting because it is for me. I struggle every day to make the right choices, to say the right thing or to not say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I'm not always successful, I'm not always coherent, I'll step on a lot of toes and I will make a lot of apologies.
Today my sister really broke my heart. She's been more cruel, more cold and more insensitive but today it just cut me a little too deep. Whether this gets back to her or she reads it herself is irrelevant at this point.
My family has a long long long history of turmoil. My parents don't make the wisest choices, they don't always say the right thing, they hold grudges, but ultimately they haven't ever abandoned me. When it comes to our parents and my sister they have always been like rams. The just keep bucking against each other for the better part of my life. Still my sister lives under their roof. She makes threats, she stomps around like a bratty child; she gives the cold shoulder etc but she's still there and they allow her to be there.
The last 2 or 3 months have been exceptionally dramatic. I try to listen to every one's side of the story, I try not to judge because I've been there. I know how they are but man does it stress me out. It makes me sad and it makes me feel like I'm losing my family. I told Mike I wished to visit home but that's no longer home. I don't feel like I have anything to come home to.
Today when I called I got filled in on all of the gory details of the last few weeks. It was hard to listen to... all the outbursts, all of the fights. All culminating in a "we're going to pretend like everything is ok until we move out. After that if I never see mom again it will be fine by me." Fine do what you will. Suddenly the conversation turned to me and my need for attention. I'm an attention whore, I need to one up my sisters, there is nothing in my life that should be stressing me out.
So I guess I need to break that all down for myself. I'm an attention whore because I blog. Because my blog is not private, instead I allow my friends to get a look inside my head. I'm one upping my sister because she recently reached out of help for her own issues and I went and got myself diagnosed as bipolar. Selfish bitch that I am! How dare I seek out help after months of complaining to my husband, of talking to my therapist of suffering inside my mind. I guess the one up is because I told someone about it? I didn't tell you about the fight I had with Mike over the whole thing. About crying myself to sleep because I was so frustrated. I'm frustrated that I don't have control over my mind, over my body, over my weight, over just about everything. She told me she could very well walk into a Dr's office and leave with the same diagnosis if she wanted. Well news flash you fucking idiot that's because you are just as goddamn crazy as I am! Go ahead so I can call you and tell you that you're just trying to one up the rest of us!

I realize that mental health issues come with a stigma. It is a fact that truly saddens me. Instead of support, people are finding ridicule. It isn't something that everyone understands and the fear of the unknown causes us to behave like complete fucking idiots. Keep in mind for a moment that your actions but especially your words affect those around you. They can be positive or negative and you never really know the state of mind that somebody else is in and how they will receive your message. Your words might seem funny to you, but they can be like a dagger to somebody else.
I am hurt by finding such lack of support in my own family. We always joke that we're all nuts. That joke is not so much a joke. Sure everyone is a little off in their own ways. Genetically we're predispositioned to have addictive personalities. It could be alcohol, drugs, food... I'm not calling anyone out but we all know who we are. Does it anger you that I'm getting treatment because I'm airing out my own dirty laundry? I'm sorry some of yours gets let out with my own. I mean no harm, but you are all part of what makes me who I am. I have been strong enough to step up and say I need help. I can't do this on my own. I am afraid, I am hurt. I shouldn't be chastised for it.