I haven't quit... yet... I've gotten a 3 day reprieve from those awful fiber drinks which makes this a little more bearable. There are so many horse tablets to swallow though! There are 4 gel tabs that I can take all at once or split up, 2 am 2 pm. Then theres this packet of herbal cleanse I take before bed that would be 3 giant pills that smell pretty bad and during these 3 days off the fiber drinks there are another 3 pills. These are regular people sized pills, probiotics I believe. I suppose the idea is really that all these pills are filling you up! We're supposed to be eating 5 small meals a day. We fail at that. Yesterday we had a banana for breakfast. We didn't leave the house until close to noon we went and had lunch and our next meal wasn't until about 8pm. No snacks, no munchies nothing. Oz is not gonna be happy with us! According to the scale I am up another pound since Tuesday. That's just irritating. I think the problem is that I'm so backed up! I used to be on a pretty consistent poop schedule. One would think with all the extra fiber I'd be spending hours of my day on the toilet, but I'm not. It's frustrating. Well it's day 5, 19 more to go, I'm not going to call this a complete failure until day 23.
We went out to dinner last night, Mike said just pick where your heart is telling you to. I said my heart was steak fries and ranch... to which he responds with "your heart isn't in this diet is it!" No sir it is not! I love salads and veggies but when I'm told that has to be my main source of sustenance for almost a month, I am going to completely buck against the system. It is simply my nature. We ended up at McGrath's fish house. I tried a new fish. I had the Marlin with steamed broccoli and red potatoes, no butter. The fish itself was delicious! So much for saying I don't like fish huh? I guess I just can't really do salmon. I try cause I'm supposed to but I just can't. Mike and I tried to pick the fish that were not served in a butter or cream sauce. Mine was crusted in coconut and almonds and did have a bit of a cream sauce but wasn't drowning in it. It was like a pineapple sauce, very tasty. Mike had a cajun steel-head served with a mango salsa, I got a bite out of him very tasty. All things considered not bad. I guess if I had left the bread alone it would have been better but hey I'm working on making better choices and that isn't going to happen over night. I forwent the beer battered shrimp or the shrimp scampi and the coconut shrimp and the stuffed shrimp, the baked potato loaded with butter, sour cream and cheese. All my life seafood has been synonymous with shrimp. I can eat the hell out of some shrimp cocktail, it's like engraved in my genes. So for me to go out for seafood and eat marlin or any other type of fish that had a face is really quite a difference!
So on a side note, I've been thinking that it is high time I make an appointment to talk to my Dr. I think I need to consider the idea of staying off of antidepressants and maybe just go on something like diazepam (valium) or Xanax. More often than not it is just a build up of crazy that suddenly makes it impossible function properly. The problem with the antidepressants being that they zap my libido which really causes more anxiety because it makes Mike frustrated which makes me frustrated at him and me! Of course if you ask my mother I should just chill the eff out. Thanks madre!
Sunday
Wednesday
How the human penis lost its spines
Ha ha! Ok time to come clean, this entry has nothing to do with its title. I was paroozing CNN and I saw that headline. It tickled me... maybe I'll go back and read the article.
Today was day 1 of this 24 day challenge. It's gonna be a long long long 24 days. The morning started with a citrus flavored fiber drink. Drink is being too generous actually. It had the consistency of apple sauce and tasted 10x worse. I had to choke it down and keep myself from gaging and vomiting all at the same time. Good lord that was awful and I have to do this for another 23 days?! I had an apple for breakfast, an apple at 11 and a banana at 12. I was starving by the time lunch finally rolled around. I had a fajita salad for lunch with a crap ton of tortilla chips. Lunch was 24 pts. I forgot to pack anything else to snack on. This "recommended diet" says no cheese. Oz says I can just reduce my cheese intake. He says so long as I follow the plan 80% of the time I'll be okay. I woke up on time but very tired since I didn't fall asleep until after midnight. The morning was going fine until I had to get out of bed. I thought okay this isn't so bad... then I tried walking down the stairs on our way out and I realized just how wrong I was. Going up stairs hurts but going down them feels like I'm going to loose control of my bowels. Pretty imagery right? Ha, I'm sorry! So part way through the afternoon I had a spark energy drink. I'm still waiting for that to kick in. Tonight will consist of another work out. We were given the night off after all. I thought we were doing back or chest but we didn't, good thing cause I'm starting to lock up.
We went to the pizza research institute for dinner. We didn't have any pizza. We shared a greens and gorgonzola salad and an order of stuffed mushrooms. They had artichoke somethin or other inside. Tasty! I felt full but really wanted something else to eat, I hadn't reached that stuffed feeling. Mike said we were ok and we have to have a snack before dinner anyway. So I came home and ate 5 pieces of dove caramel filled chocolates. Yes I'm hanging my head in shame.
Tomorrow I'm going to the gym on my own. It's bunko night and I can't drink, this sucks. I have to go on my own cause I'll be off before they are and bunko is at 6:45 so I'll do my work out at 5 and be on my way. I promise I will stick it out even if no one is around to hold me accountable. This man is not kidding about fixing the Jones'! When I met up with them for lunch I told Oz I hate him. I know 6 months from now I'll be building alters to him cause I'll feel stronger even if I'm still just as heavy, but today I just hate him.
Today was day 1 of this 24 day challenge. It's gonna be a long long long 24 days. The morning started with a citrus flavored fiber drink. Drink is being too generous actually. It had the consistency of apple sauce and tasted 10x worse. I had to choke it down and keep myself from gaging and vomiting all at the same time. Good lord that was awful and I have to do this for another 23 days?! I had an apple for breakfast, an apple at 11 and a banana at 12. I was starving by the time lunch finally rolled around. I had a fajita salad for lunch with a crap ton of tortilla chips. Lunch was 24 pts. I forgot to pack anything else to snack on. This "recommended diet" says no cheese. Oz says I can just reduce my cheese intake. He says so long as I follow the plan 80% of the time I'll be okay. I woke up on time but very tired since I didn't fall asleep until after midnight. The morning was going fine until I had to get out of bed. I thought okay this isn't so bad... then I tried walking down the stairs on our way out and I realized just how wrong I was. Going up stairs hurts but going down them feels like I'm going to loose control of my bowels. Pretty imagery right? Ha, I'm sorry! So part way through the afternoon I had a spark energy drink. I'm still waiting for that to kick in. Tonight will consist of another work out. We were given the night off after all. I thought we were doing back or chest but we didn't, good thing cause I'm starting to lock up.
We went to the pizza research institute for dinner. We didn't have any pizza. We shared a greens and gorgonzola salad and an order of stuffed mushrooms. They had artichoke somethin or other inside. Tasty! I felt full but really wanted something else to eat, I hadn't reached that stuffed feeling. Mike said we were ok and we have to have a snack before dinner anyway. So I came home and ate 5 pieces of dove caramel filled chocolates. Yes I'm hanging my head in shame.
Tomorrow I'm going to the gym on my own. It's bunko night and I can't drink, this sucks. I have to go on my own cause I'll be off before they are and bunko is at 6:45 so I'll do my work out at 5 and be on my way. I promise I will stick it out even if no one is around to hold me accountable. This man is not kidding about fixing the Jones'! When I met up with them for lunch I told Oz I hate him. I know 6 months from now I'll be building alters to him cause I'll feel stronger even if I'm still just as heavy, but today I just hate him.
Recommended diets and no booze make a bore of Zu
Theres two boxes of stuff sitting in my living room. One is closer in view and I kinda feel like throwing a blanket over it. Advocare products. They're health supplements and weight loss aids? I don't quite know. Oz was talking about meal replacement shakes and no bread. I think the look of horror on my face alarmed him. He assured me I don't have to do away with it but eat less of it. I might have broken down in tears if he said rice. Maybe he would have been disgusted if he knew how much rice I eat. Good gracious if he knew what I ate on a daily basis he would slap me upside the head! But while he said meal replacement shakes he also said 5 meals a day. Ok I think I can get down with this.
I don't know how I got talked into this. It's a 24 day challenge. There is a recommended diet plan... um yeah that might not work out too well. I spent enough cash on it to give it an honest try. So far so good. Then he said "No alcohol for the first 10 days." Man that was good while it lasted wasn't it! Ha ha! I'm not a drunk, hell I don't think I've had alcohol in the last 10 days. Wait when was the wine fest again? Yeah thats right no booze in the last 10 days sucka! But I was definitely looking forward to some boozing while I help Dana with her wallpaper project. Fine no booze sad sad Zuzu... Dagnabit this better be worth it!
Today we did legs... Leg press, then standing lunges then uh.. somethin else. When he said lunges I was like uh... no I don't do that. I hadn't seen what was coming yet but I had a bad feeling about it. Then he demonstrated. Yeah my body doesn't move like that. I don't have the coordination to stay upright. He let us modify it and yet I still thought I might die. How is it that without any machines and just a 10lb dumbbell in my hand I could be in that kind of agony? Guess it's what happens when you use your own body as resistance, lord knows I have enough resistance and body.
Today was weigh in day. I went up exactly 1lb. I'm okay with that, really I am. I've been working pretty hard in the gym the last few weeks and I haven't fallen off the Weight Watchers wagon. I think I need to eat less red meat. Gawd it is so tasty but it is so high in points (insert sad face). I got an email from Livestrong.com it said are you vegan-ish? As I hit delete I chuckled to myself saying yeah not even a little bit. I love dead animals, that sounds awful but they're just so tasty. Today I had a pork chop and a half cup of mashed potatoes for lunch. Also some baby carrots and celery sticks with about 3 tablespoons of this awesome cheese spread. I keep it at work that way I wont scarf it down when I get bored at home. Although there is plenty of cheese to keep me busy around here too! Anyway lunch was about 10pts. I was right on track until I ate a pepperoni stick and a teryaki meat stick. I was trying to support Jenny's little boy and his troop. 4pts each. So sad for me! Dinner consisted of a subway sub. It was the cold cut combo on wheat bread. I got the foot long intending to have half of it tomorrow. That didn't work out according to plan. I ate the whole thing there. Meh could have been worse I could have eaten a bag of chips with it too! I guesstimate it was roughly 20ish points. I couldn't tell you for sure right now cause weightwatchers.com is down. Damn it Jennifer Hudson if you're gonna slap your face on something at least make it work! Skinny bitch. Ugh. If I had money like she does I could hire people to shop and cook for me and a trainer to train me like 4hrs a day! And should all else fail, I'd have my jaw wired shut or weight loss surgery! And I'd have a team of shrinks at my disposal with all the drugs I could ever need. I would be like Anna Nicole Smith without the slurred speech and I'd fess up to my crazy pills! Of course if she was on crazy pills and not the other meds she was being prescribed... well lets just let her rest in peace. Have you guys heard that damn song that Nikki Minaj is rapping on talking about Anna? Oh Em Gee, I don't know what the rest of the song even is or why the fuck she's rapping about Anna Nicole Smith let alone the Virgin Mary and Joseph... Really is that all it takes to be famous these days? I don't get it. Whatever! If yall see me around the office pushing myself in my chair be kind and drag me to whatever my destination is, its unlikely I'll have use of my legs.
I don't know how I got talked into this. It's a 24 day challenge. There is a recommended diet plan... um yeah that might not work out too well. I spent enough cash on it to give it an honest try. So far so good. Then he said "No alcohol for the first 10 days." Man that was good while it lasted wasn't it! Ha ha! I'm not a drunk, hell I don't think I've had alcohol in the last 10 days. Wait when was the wine fest again? Yeah thats right no booze in the last 10 days sucka! But I was definitely looking forward to some boozing while I help Dana with her wallpaper project. Fine no booze sad sad Zuzu... Dagnabit this better be worth it!
Today we did legs... Leg press, then standing lunges then uh.. somethin else. When he said lunges I was like uh... no I don't do that. I hadn't seen what was coming yet but I had a bad feeling about it. Then he demonstrated. Yeah my body doesn't move like that. I don't have the coordination to stay upright. He let us modify it and yet I still thought I might die. How is it that without any machines and just a 10lb dumbbell in my hand I could be in that kind of agony? Guess it's what happens when you use your own body as resistance, lord knows I have enough resistance and body.
Today was weigh in day. I went up exactly 1lb. I'm okay with that, really I am. I've been working pretty hard in the gym the last few weeks and I haven't fallen off the Weight Watchers wagon. I think I need to eat less red meat. Gawd it is so tasty but it is so high in points (insert sad face). I got an email from Livestrong.com it said are you vegan-ish? As I hit delete I chuckled to myself saying yeah not even a little bit. I love dead animals, that sounds awful but they're just so tasty. Today I had a pork chop and a half cup of mashed potatoes for lunch. Also some baby carrots and celery sticks with about 3 tablespoons of this awesome cheese spread. I keep it at work that way I wont scarf it down when I get bored at home. Although there is plenty of cheese to keep me busy around here too! Anyway lunch was about 10pts. I was right on track until I ate a pepperoni stick and a teryaki meat stick. I was trying to support Jenny's little boy and his troop. 4pts each. So sad for me! Dinner consisted of a subway sub. It was the cold cut combo on wheat bread. I got the foot long intending to have half of it tomorrow. That didn't work out according to plan. I ate the whole thing there. Meh could have been worse I could have eaten a bag of chips with it too! I guesstimate it was roughly 20ish points. I couldn't tell you for sure right now cause weightwatchers.com is down. Damn it Jennifer Hudson if you're gonna slap your face on something at least make it work! Skinny bitch. Ugh. If I had money like she does I could hire people to shop and cook for me and a trainer to train me like 4hrs a day! And should all else fail, I'd have my jaw wired shut or weight loss surgery! And I'd have a team of shrinks at my disposal with all the drugs I could ever need. I would be like Anna Nicole Smith without the slurred speech and I'd fess up to my crazy pills! Of course if she was on crazy pills and not the other meds she was being prescribed... well lets just let her rest in peace. Have you guys heard that damn song that Nikki Minaj is rapping on talking about Anna? Oh Em Gee, I don't know what the rest of the song even is or why the fuck she's rapping about Anna Nicole Smith let alone the Virgin Mary and Joseph... Really is that all it takes to be famous these days? I don't get it. Whatever! If yall see me around the office pushing myself in my chair be kind and drag me to whatever my destination is, its unlikely I'll have use of my legs.
Monday
You're being watched... Yes, you.
It's not the government this time!!
So why am not medicated yet? Well there are a few good reasons. Ok really there really is just one. It's a double edged sword and his name is Mike. I've been medicated for the better part of the last five years. Mike hasn't gotten laid for the better part of those five years. Poor bastard I can't believe he actually married me! And I will not hold it against you if you stopped reading after that last sentence up there. When I started taking Lexapro, Mike was so excited. It was like a wonder drug that took away the demented woman he bamboozled himself into falling in love with and replaced her with someone he could actually imagine living with! He was doing PSA's for that stuff to anyone that would listen. I for my part went from a very angry account rep at a time share company to a less angry person who stopped slamming the rubber wrist guard against their desk in fits of rage. One of the side effects of this sudden amazing new woman who came into the room was that her libido ran screaming from the room. So for the next five years Mike's least favorite word became NO. Poor bastard has heard it so often it nearly replaced his name. Since going off the meds he's either been really happy, really miserable or really happy. Maybe confused.
So what does any of this have to do with my creepy behavior? Well I mean obviously it just goes hand in hand. Last night I was sitting on a recumbent bike pedaling away. I can't believe what a terrible mood that place puts me in! Maybe Gold's Gym isn't for me. It makes me angry. People go there to be seen more than to actually work out. At least at the DAC the old white people don't give a flying fig about anyone but themselves. So there I was in that dingy, badly lit gym trying to keep myself going and wishing Pandora would stop being a pmsing bitch. Then I see her. This plump little girl making her way to a treadmill. She stopped and set her water bottle down, then walked off to the left and came back with a magazine. I was still trying to figure out where the magazine came from when she plopped her chunky ass up there. I started watching her she stood off to the side and started the machine. I think that was where it began... my annoyance with her. Aren't you supposed to be on the machine when the belt starts? Generally folks get off the belt when they're trying to get off of it cause they were going too fast not cause it is about to begin moving at a very slow pace. Ok let us see where this goes... She manages to get herself going. And going... suddenly it hits me. This heifer is strutting! What the hell? Was she some reject from America's Next Top Model? Was she learning under Miss Jay and Mr. Jay? What the hell lady why are you walking that way?!?! STOP IT STOP IT PLEASE STOP IT! The longer I watched her the more I wanted to throw my phone at the back of her head. Why was it boiling my blood that way? I don't have any idea except that I'm totally insane. I momentarily considered running across all of the treadmills next to her and just bull rushing her off of hers. I could totally picture it in my head. Instead I pulled out my phone and recorded her chunky strut. Yes I really did record her. Am I proud of it? Not really. Was it something only really crazy people do? Maybe not. It could have been bad if I had recorded it to make fun of her on the internet, but I did it for proof. I didn't want Mike to say I was crazy so I was gonna show him her strut and hope that he agreed that she was foolishly strutting. Instead he concluded that I am not only crazy but also creepy. So do I need to be medicated? Hell yes. Will I be medicated as soon as I need to? Probably not.
Friday
Open letter to the Girl Scouts
Your cookies come around once a year and every year your adoring fans flock to the local grocery store in search of the tiny table with 5 kids crowding it and the entry way to said grocery store. Well my little darlings I am not a fan. I despise being accosted on my way in and out of the grocery store. I hate that your damn cookies are so tasty that in years gone by I've scarfed boxes of them in one sitting. I hate that there are tiny kids selling this shit like crack! And I hate your parents for breeding. Why can't you guys sell your crack like schools do making the parents take their stupid order forms to work with them. I don't like high pressure sales and I don't like your militia style sales tactics. I have been in ONE grocery store that didn't have you brats parked outside every entrance. I feel like I have to bust some shit out like mission impossible to get in and out of the grocery store!You kids have every emergency exit covered. As a fat diabetic in America I say NO THANK YOU. And yet you brats got me!! 2 boxes of cookies sit in my kitchen as I type and that is it. Let me live my diabetic life in peace!
Sincerely this angry chunkster.
When I was a kid my sister, my cousin and I set up a lemonade stand. I got to go stand at the top of the street and hold our sign. I was just a tiny (age wise cause I was a plump little thing) innocent kid. I want to say I was like 6 or 7, I don't remember my little brother being born yet. So there I was standing with my lemonade sign waiting for any passer-byers. I was so excited when someone drove by and slowed to a stop. She rolled her window down and asked what we were selling. I said lemonade and mandarin oranges. She asked me if our lemonade had sugar in it I said I thought so. She scolded me. I was shocked! Shocked!! All I remember is she yelled something about being diabetic and I think the blank and slightly startled look on my face indicated lack of understanding to her. So she yelled something about sugar being bad for her before she drove away. I've never yelled at a kid trying to sell me sugar, don't know that I ever will.
I read a story today in the paper about a man in our area who had his toes eaten by his dog while he slept. This man was diabetic. It was pretty shocking to me not to mention disgusting! I think I need to cut that story out of the paper and paste it on the fridge and make copies and tape it to anything that has sugar that is in the house. Maybe that will be motivation enough to put down the cookies. Also I definitely think I'll rethink this whole dog idea. I like my toes where they are... on my feet.
Sincerely this angry chunkster.
When I was a kid my sister, my cousin and I set up a lemonade stand. I got to go stand at the top of the street and hold our sign. I was just a tiny (age wise cause I was a plump little thing) innocent kid. I want to say I was like 6 or 7, I don't remember my little brother being born yet. So there I was standing with my lemonade sign waiting for any passer-byers. I was so excited when someone drove by and slowed to a stop. She rolled her window down and asked what we were selling. I said lemonade and mandarin oranges. She asked me if our lemonade had sugar in it I said I thought so. She scolded me. I was shocked! Shocked!! All I remember is she yelled something about being diabetic and I think the blank and slightly startled look on my face indicated lack of understanding to her. So she yelled something about sugar being bad for her before she drove away. I've never yelled at a kid trying to sell me sugar, don't know that I ever will.
I read a story today in the paper about a man in our area who had his toes eaten by his dog while he slept. This man was diabetic. It was pretty shocking to me not to mention disgusting! I think I need to cut that story out of the paper and paste it on the fridge and make copies and tape it to anything that has sugar that is in the house. Maybe that will be motivation enough to put down the cookies. Also I definitely think I'll rethink this whole dog idea. I like my toes where they are... on my feet.
Wednesday
Caution: Biting Hazard
I won't bite you today cause my teeth hurt. Instead I might take a swing at you or kick you in the shins. If I could I would temporarily remove my teeth and gum you a bit. I'm having a rough day with this mouth soreness. Where was it last night when I was happily chomping down on my grilled cheese and soup?! Not only am I in some pain but the phones have been ringing off the hook. Every person who needs some hand holding within the entire state of Oregon has been on my phone. I tried to have lunch, a sandwich from Quizinos and a salad. I guess maybe my teeth were trying to tell me something. The sandwich would have been oh a measly 21 pts. The salad luckily was only 5. I only finished half the sandwich cause each time I bit through the bread I felt a jolt of pain. I guess if this is how I go about refraining from over eating then so be it?
Question: You've all seen those small watermelons at the grocery store right? They're called personal watermelons, at least the ones I picked up were. So does that mean that it would be ok for me to sit down and eat a whole melon on my own? Don't worry I didn't. At least not in one sitting... I had half for desert last night and half for breakfast this morning. It's sometimes a bit misleading to read individual when you're staring at a giant melon or a pan of lasagna or something like that. Misleading might be the wrong word. I guess it all comes down to common sense and whether or not we choose to ignore what we really know and do what we really want. Or in my case eat it.
Funny how my teeth ache but not enough to keep me from chomping on some crackers and soft cheese. I went on a crazy cheese fest last night at the grocery store. I got sliced cheese, soft cheese spreads, laughing cow cheese... cheese cheese and a little more cheese. I found these wheat thin flat bread thingies. 2 of them for 2 pts. Not the best deal but what the hell. It was also 2pts for 2 tablespoons of this garlic and herb cheese spread I found. Mmmm Mmm good! Basically the lesson of today is unless you want me chomping on your fingers which I've dipped in my cheese, do not look at me cross when you see me with a handful of crackers and cheese or crumbs on my shirt.
Question: You've all seen those small watermelons at the grocery store right? They're called personal watermelons, at least the ones I picked up were. So does that mean that it would be ok for me to sit down and eat a whole melon on my own? Don't worry I didn't. At least not in one sitting... I had half for desert last night and half for breakfast this morning. It's sometimes a bit misleading to read individual when you're staring at a giant melon or a pan of lasagna or something like that. Misleading might be the wrong word. I guess it all comes down to common sense and whether or not we choose to ignore what we really know and do what we really want. Or in my case eat it.
Funny how my teeth ache but not enough to keep me from chomping on some crackers and soft cheese. I went on a crazy cheese fest last night at the grocery store. I got sliced cheese, soft cheese spreads, laughing cow cheese... cheese cheese and a little more cheese. I found these wheat thin flat bread thingies. 2 of them for 2 pts. Not the best deal but what the hell. It was also 2pts for 2 tablespoons of this garlic and herb cheese spread I found. Mmmm Mmm good! Basically the lesson of today is unless you want me chomping on your fingers which I've dipped in my cheese, do not look at me cross when you see me with a handful of crackers and cheese or crumbs on my shirt.
Tuesday
Weigh in day
I lost exactly 0.00000 lbs. But you know what? I gained exactly the same. All things considered not bad. Mike and I only stepped foot in the gym twice during the week. I have plenty of excuses to give you, too much going on, blah blah blah. What it boils down to is that we weren't very motivated to. I give myself kudo's for having gone Friday afternoon before embarking on our grand adventure. So the fact that no weight came back on was a success in itself.
This week isn't starting up much more promising. Mike was sick yesterday and is home sick today. I think I have to say sorry you're sick babe I'll see you after Zumba, and just do it. After the dentist appointment its not looking so good for me either.
I've had a rocky start to the week. Woke up yesterday from an awful dream. For years now I occasionally have dreams that I've fought with my mom. I call her every name in the book sometimes I throw things, even push her. After each of these dreams I wake up feeling horrible, dirty and like the worst kid ever. I always thought to myself what on earth is my subconscious trying to do to me? Sometimes Mike has had to wake me up because I've been crying or yelling and thrashing in my sleep. It wasn't until recently that I finally figured out what the meaning of those dreams were. I woke up from one of those dreams a few months ago and immediately called my mom to apologize for the way I treated her in my dream. Kinda weird I know but I felt so horrible! She assured me that we were okay and it was actually my sister she wasn't speaking to.
My sister has had a difficult relationship with just about everyone in our family. We all love her to death but she makes it difficult to like her. She's quick to anger and holds long grudges against anyone who crosses her even unintentionally. If you're not on her side you're probably on the wrong side.
She's lived with my parents since she moved back from Seattle with her little girl. It was a mutually beneficial situation. My parent's have been dependent on us kids for a long time so having someone there with them to help keep bills in order and whatnot "seemed" like a good thing. I won't go into the nitty gritty but my sister and my parents have always been like rams, they just keep slamming their horns into each other over and over for years and years. On any given day you can pick up the telephone and hear from my sister how much she despises them, how horrible they make her life, and on at least one occasion that she wished they were gone. I know my parents are difficult to live with, they can be childish and stubborn but at the end of the day they're my parents. They have provided for me, they have clothed me, given me access to an education not to mention they've bailed us all out on more occasions than they should have. They have done the best that they knew how to make our lives better than theirs. I think we owe it to them to put up with them especially if you're not putting on your adult britches and going it on your own. They're now in a financial situation that none of us could have dreamed would be possible. It's frightening and it makes it that much harder to hear my sister say the awful things she says.
When I woke up from that dream yesterday morning I knew something was going on at home and I really didn't want to know. It's hard to hear about the distress they're facing, especially when there is little I can do. But we have to face it head on and try to find the answers we can. It makes me want to cry but I can't very well do that sitting at my desk with the phone ringing and people showing up at my window. So I snack...
Because food will distract, if not comfort me. Sounded like a good plan to me... It is just difficult to go about my day with something like that dangling in the back of my mind. I wish I could make it all better and really I feel guilty that I can't. I wish I could make everyone happy, take away all of their worries and sorrows and make them be happy and healthy. I don't want them to fight or be sad or worry about what else tomorrow will bring. The guilt of what I can't control eats away at me some days and I eat to give it something to feed off of instead.
Mike was sitting on the couch last night feeling so terrible, his stomach hurt, he shook from the low blood sugar and possibly the fever that was creeping in. The only suggestion I could make was to offer him food. Mike do you want some crackers? How about some fruit? Your blood sugar is still kind of low do you want some cheesecake? He wanted nothing to do with any of the "snacks" I offered him. Poor guy if his care was left to me he would be like one of those poor people on TLC who can't leave their houses.
I've been mulling over the idea of going to one of the OA meetings. It would have to be a weekend meeting since the weekday ones are in the middle of the day. I haven't built up the courage to do it yet. I convince myself that I really don't need to be there. Then I do things like today. Picked up lunch for myself and my coworker and on the way back I stopped for a diet soda at McD's. Like any good caffeine addict I needed my fix. Believe me I'm a better person with it. I'm consuming much less soda these days but I just need a small fix to ward off the migraines. So anyway I wasn't scolding myself for buying the soda. I drove up to the drive-thru and I ordered my soda and before I realized it I had also ordered a small french fry and was eye balling the chicken nuggets. Seriously?! Ok at least it was a small and I didn't get the nuggets but fricken shit Zu! I had a perfectly good lunch sitting right next to me! Not to mention it wasn't a small one, I was having the large yumm baby with a side of tortilla chips. More than enough food for me. But there I was scarfing down a bag of fries trying to dust off all evidence of them as I walked back into the office. Why did I really care if anyone noticed the crumbs? I stuffed the bag in the trash outside the building just so no one would see it. Yep... I really should be in one of those meetings.
This week isn't starting up much more promising. Mike was sick yesterday and is home sick today. I think I have to say sorry you're sick babe I'll see you after Zumba, and just do it. After the dentist appointment its not looking so good for me either.
I've had a rocky start to the week. Woke up yesterday from an awful dream. For years now I occasionally have dreams that I've fought with my mom. I call her every name in the book sometimes I throw things, even push her. After each of these dreams I wake up feeling horrible, dirty and like the worst kid ever. I always thought to myself what on earth is my subconscious trying to do to me? Sometimes Mike has had to wake me up because I've been crying or yelling and thrashing in my sleep. It wasn't until recently that I finally figured out what the meaning of those dreams were. I woke up from one of those dreams a few months ago and immediately called my mom to apologize for the way I treated her in my dream. Kinda weird I know but I felt so horrible! She assured me that we were okay and it was actually my sister she wasn't speaking to.
My sister has had a difficult relationship with just about everyone in our family. We all love her to death but she makes it difficult to like her. She's quick to anger and holds long grudges against anyone who crosses her even unintentionally. If you're not on her side you're probably on the wrong side.
She's lived with my parents since she moved back from Seattle with her little girl. It was a mutually beneficial situation. My parent's have been dependent on us kids for a long time so having someone there with them to help keep bills in order and whatnot "seemed" like a good thing. I won't go into the nitty gritty but my sister and my parents have always been like rams, they just keep slamming their horns into each other over and over for years and years. On any given day you can pick up the telephone and hear from my sister how much she despises them, how horrible they make her life, and on at least one occasion that she wished they were gone. I know my parents are difficult to live with, they can be childish and stubborn but at the end of the day they're my parents. They have provided for me, they have clothed me, given me access to an education not to mention they've bailed us all out on more occasions than they should have. They have done the best that they knew how to make our lives better than theirs. I think we owe it to them to put up with them especially if you're not putting on your adult britches and going it on your own. They're now in a financial situation that none of us could have dreamed would be possible. It's frightening and it makes it that much harder to hear my sister say the awful things she says.
When I woke up from that dream yesterday morning I knew something was going on at home and I really didn't want to know. It's hard to hear about the distress they're facing, especially when there is little I can do. But we have to face it head on and try to find the answers we can. It makes me want to cry but I can't very well do that sitting at my desk with the phone ringing and people showing up at my window. So I snack...
Because food will distract, if not comfort me. Sounded like a good plan to me... It is just difficult to go about my day with something like that dangling in the back of my mind. I wish I could make it all better and really I feel guilty that I can't. I wish I could make everyone happy, take away all of their worries and sorrows and make them be happy and healthy. I don't want them to fight or be sad or worry about what else tomorrow will bring. The guilt of what I can't control eats away at me some days and I eat to give it something to feed off of instead.
Mike was sitting on the couch last night feeling so terrible, his stomach hurt, he shook from the low blood sugar and possibly the fever that was creeping in. The only suggestion I could make was to offer him food. Mike do you want some crackers? How about some fruit? Your blood sugar is still kind of low do you want some cheesecake? He wanted nothing to do with any of the "snacks" I offered him. Poor guy if his care was left to me he would be like one of those poor people on TLC who can't leave their houses.
I've been mulling over the idea of going to one of the OA meetings. It would have to be a weekend meeting since the weekday ones are in the middle of the day. I haven't built up the courage to do it yet. I convince myself that I really don't need to be there. Then I do things like today. Picked up lunch for myself and my coworker and on the way back I stopped for a diet soda at McD's. Like any good caffeine addict I needed my fix. Believe me I'm a better person with it. I'm consuming much less soda these days but I just need a small fix to ward off the migraines. So anyway I wasn't scolding myself for buying the soda. I drove up to the drive-thru and I ordered my soda and before I realized it I had also ordered a small french fry and was eye balling the chicken nuggets. Seriously?! Ok at least it was a small and I didn't get the nuggets but fricken shit Zu! I had a perfectly good lunch sitting right next to me! Not to mention it wasn't a small one, I was having the large yumm baby with a side of tortilla chips. More than enough food for me. But there I was scarfing down a bag of fries trying to dust off all evidence of them as I walked back into the office. Why did I really care if anyone noticed the crumbs? I stuffed the bag in the trash outside the building just so no one would see it. Yep... I really should be in one of those meetings.
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