Weigh in day

I lost exactly 0.00000 lbs. But you know what? I gained exactly the same. All things considered not bad. Mike and I only stepped foot in the gym twice during the week. I have plenty of excuses to give you, too much going on, blah blah blah. What it boils down to is that we weren't very motivated to. I give myself kudo's for having gone Friday afternoon before embarking on our grand adventure. So the fact that no weight came back on was a success in itself.
This week isn't starting up much more promising. Mike was sick yesterday and is home sick today. I think I have to say sorry you're sick babe I'll see you after Zumba, and just do it. After the dentist appointment its not looking so good for me either.
I've had a rocky start to the week. Woke up yesterday from an awful dream. For years now I occasionally have dreams that I've fought with my mom. I call her every name in the book sometimes I throw things, even push her. After each of these dreams I wake up feeling horrible, dirty and like the worst kid ever. I always thought to myself what on earth is my subconscious trying to do to me? Sometimes Mike has had to wake me up because I've been crying or yelling and thrashing in my sleep. It wasn't until recently that I finally figured out what the meaning of those dreams were. I woke up from one of those dreams a few months ago and immediately called my mom to apologize for the way I treated her in my dream. Kinda weird I know but I felt so horrible! She assured me that we were okay and it was actually my sister she wasn't speaking to.
My sister has had a difficult relationship with just about everyone in our family. We all love her to death but she makes it difficult to like her. She's quick to anger and holds long grudges against anyone who crosses her even unintentionally. If you're not on her side you're probably on the wrong side.
She's lived with my parents since she moved back from Seattle with her little girl. It was a mutually beneficial situation. My parent's have been dependent on us kids for a long time so having someone there with them to help keep bills in order and whatnot "seemed" like a good thing. I won't go into the nitty gritty but my sister and my parents have always been like rams, they just keep slamming their horns into each other over and over for years and years. On any given day you can pick up the telephone and hear from my sister how much she despises them, how horrible they make her life, and on at least one occasion that she wished they were gone. I know my parents are difficult to live with, they can be childish and stubborn but at the end of the day they're my parents. They have provided for me, they have clothed me, given me access to an education not to mention they've bailed us all out on more occasions than they should have. They have done the best that they knew how to make our lives better than theirs. I think we owe it to them to put up with them especially if you're not putting on your adult britches and going it on your own. They're now in a financial situation that none of us could have dreamed would be possible. It's frightening and it makes it that much harder to hear my sister say the awful things she says.
When I woke up from that dream yesterday morning I knew something was going on at home and I really didn't want to know. It's hard to hear about the distress they're facing, especially when there is little I can do. But we have to face it head on and try to find the answers we can. It makes me want to cry but I can't very well do that sitting at my desk with the phone ringing and people showing up at my window. So I snack...
Because food will distract, if not comfort me. Sounded like a good plan to me... It is just difficult to go about my day with something like that dangling in the back of my mind. I wish I could make it all better and really I feel guilty that I can't. I wish I could make everyone happy, take away all of their worries and sorrows and make them be happy and healthy. I don't want them to fight or be sad or worry about what else tomorrow will bring. The guilt of what I can't control eats away at me some days and I eat to give it something to feed off of instead.
Mike was sitting on the couch last night feeling so terrible, his stomach hurt, he shook from the low blood sugar and possibly the fever that was creeping in. The only suggestion I could make was to offer him food. Mike do you want some crackers? How about some fruit? Your blood sugar is still kind of low do you want some cheesecake? He wanted nothing to do with any of the "snacks" I offered him. Poor guy if his care was left to me he would be like one of those poor people on TLC who can't leave their houses.
I've been mulling over the idea of going to one of the OA meetings. It would have to be a weekend meeting since the weekday ones are in the middle of the day. I haven't built up the courage to do it yet. I convince myself that I really don't need to be there. Then I do things like today. Picked up lunch for myself and my coworker and on the way back I stopped for a diet soda at McD's. Like any good caffeine addict I needed my fix. Believe me I'm a better person with it. I'm consuming much less soda these days but I just need a small fix to ward off the migraines. So anyway I wasn't scolding myself for buying the soda. I drove up to the drive-thru and I ordered my soda and before I realized it I had also ordered a small french fry and was eye balling the chicken nuggets. Seriously?! Ok at least it was a small and I didn't get the nuggets but fricken shit Zu! I had a perfectly good lunch sitting right next to me! Not to mention it wasn't a small one, I was having the large yumm baby with a side of tortilla chips. More than enough food for me. But there I was scarfing down a bag of fries trying to dust off all evidence of them as I walked back into the office. Why did I really care if anyone noticed the crumbs? I stuffed the bag in the trash outside the building just so no one would see it. Yep... I really should be in one of those meetings.