I've started this blog over like 10 times in my head. I wasn't sure if I'd even bring it up after all you already know how demented I am but in keeping with my full disclosure agreement to myself... I have terrible heartburn right now. Probably from the 3 slabs of pizza I had for lunch. That was just me making conversation, you know like when you don't know the right way to tell someone you just ran their dog over. At least that’s what I imagine the conversation might go like. Then you just slip it in there... (Me) so your dog... he was a terrible pissing machine wasn't he? (You) Yes he is, but he's wonderful I just don't know what I would do without him. Why do you ask? (Me) Oh just asking, damn this heartburn is killing me! Speaking of killing things, I ran your dog over. *end scene* Is it terrible that I literally laughed out loud when I re-read that?
So enough of that goofiness; I went to the dr yesterday and I got my A1C measured. 7.2? Is that the story I told yesterday? I think so, it sounds right. So yeah at my worst my A1C was approximately 15. To give you a sense of that that means; 7% means that my blood glucose (sugar) is averaging 170. My goal is to stay around 5.5-6% which would equate to 120-135. When my A1C was hovering that high it meant my glucose was off the charts entirely. I would occasionally check at home and when I saw numbers in the 4-500's I would just stop looking. Why stress about it if it is just killing me anyway! So there we go. I am now somewhere in the manageable range. Very grown up and responsible of me! After a brief exchange with the receptionist at the office before I departed I made the mental decision that it was time to do something to reign in the crazy. I didn't kick any cars or belt out any curse words at anyone but boy did I want to. Instead I got to the office and called my primary care, and what do you know he can see me today! Well shoot I don't need a clearer sign that I need to see him! When I got in that afternoon they asked what I was there for and I explained that I have gone to bonkers and kept on going. I expressed my concerns about going back on antidepressants because they will strip me of my libido and I've worked pretty damn hard in therapy with Mike to take a giant leap back. He had me answer a pretty direct questionnaire. I was like geez doc I hope this stays between you and me! I drew lines between different mental disorders and diseases such as alcoholism and drug abuse and my relatives. I had too many lines to feel comfortable about the outcome of the visit haha.
So in comes my darling doctor who I haven't seen in a few months. Which really is rare for us; when we started seeing each other it was like a by monthly kind of thing now we go months between visits. Good for both of us, bad for his wallet? I don't know but I was so thrilled to show him my A1C results and I was delighted by his reaction. It was such a satisfaction to have made his day like that. He said there was a point where he never ever expected to see anything that low. He figured we'd cut and run and just let it go by the wayside. Considering that was the path we were on about 2 years ago he wasn't far from the truth. But he has made a serious impact in our lives. I trust this man with my life. It doesn't hurt that he's the chief of medicine at one of the hospitals here. So he starts asking questions, looking over my answers and listening attentively.
We discussed the resons why I went off of the Lexapro and here is what it trully boiled down to. It was the same reason I would give up on my other meds. From Lexapro to Celexa, Zoloft, Wellbutrin and rounding them back up with Lexapro they all stopped working. I would go a few months feeling fine, feeling fixed then slowly I would start feeling anxious, sleeping poorly, getting depressed. Asking Mike what the hell is the matter with me? Why am I so broken? We discussed my family history (Yes I am looking at you sister and the other one too!) and all that fun stuff. As I talked I was getting more and more anxious I felt a serious surge of adrenaline, my teeth were chattering and I was shivering. When I was done he took a deep breath and started talking.
The long and the short of it is that I have been officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Gee I sure do take a while to spit things out don’t I? I’ll be honest I was stunned at first but it just makes sense. I always imagined that someone who suffered from this would be manic in that they go from being extremely happy to a river of tears in moments or for no reason. In fact the incredible rush of adrenaline I was feeling when I was talking to him was a slight manic episode. I couldn’t talk fast enough and then trying to listen I was just shivering and my teeth chattered like I was sitting out in a bath of ice. He explained that he recently sat in on a conference with some of the leading experts in the field and they discussed the exact experience that I’ve had with antidepressants. Some physicians put their patients on one drug after another, when the effect of one starts diminishing they begin the next. There is a sort of carry over high between drugs that prolongs the stability and keeps episodes to a minimum. Had we ever really sat down to discuss my progress on the Lexapro we would have come to this conclusion earlier.
It was really an eye opening conversation. It felt like all of the pieces in my puzzle finally fit together. The outbursts, the incredibly violent thoughts and the waves of sadness; all were the result of my scrambled brains. He suggested a few medications that he typically gives patients in my boat. Clearly, like with all medications there are side effects and things that should be considered. With the last of the 3 there is a risk of a potentially life threatening skin condition. It sounds like a rash that can attack your organs. That sounded like a no brainer! There is another and why I can’t remember the names of these is totally beyond me, anyway. The most concerning effect of this medication is the risk of kidney damage. It isn’t sealing your fate, destining you to a life strapped to a dialysis machine by any means just something you would want to be aware of. The third; the most tried and true would be lithium. It is also not without it’s concerning effects. There is a potential thyroid issue which can easily be cared for with the addition of a low dose of thyroid medication.
My head has been swimming all day. I tend to delve into all of this and keep clicking links until I am so completely overwhelmed that I just want to run. My gut is telling me to start with the lithium. I’ve had my share of thyroid problems in the past and I’m no stranger to the medication synthroid. Really the diabetes can eat away at my kidness, heart, liver, stomach or whatever else it wants whether or not I’m dumping prescriptions into my system. It’s a trade off and I think a worthwhile risk if it will help me lead a healthy life. No I am not considering any vitamins, St Johsworth, holistic anything etc. I just don’t believe that it will help. I do strongly agree with my doctor that a healthy diet and exercise will only help improve my overall health. I haven’t been living under a rock; I’m just fat and sassy. And apparently really goddamn crazy.
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