Still here still blogging!

 THIS IS A LOOOONG ONE. It does get pretty honest and it was hard for me to write. It is probably the reason I haven't been writting as much this week so if you want to read it all please do. If you get bored or whatever else I won't know if you didn't read it so don't worry about it. So theres that. Without further adu:




I'd like to start by thanking miss Natascha for reminding me to keep up the dedication to this blog. I wasn't sure if anyone was actually still following along of you all just pop in from time to time. I'm not offended if you only stop in once a month so don't feel obligated but it was nice to see someone is ready and waiting to see what I have to say! So thank you Natascha and thank you to all of my girls!
So then where have I been? Frankly I've been struggling with some stuff and I have been more so struggling with whether or not I wanted to put myself out there (or here?). Regardless this is a safe place right? I hope so anyway. I mean it's pretty fricken open but what I mean is that those of you reading will love me nonetheless. So deep breath and here we go!

I went off of my "crazy pills" a few weeks ago. Pretty dumb idea if you ask anyone in the medical or mental health proffession. Especially since I did it without consulting any of these folks. I just wasn't seeing a benefit from them anymore. Despite knowing better, I went ahead and quit cold turkey. It was probably about a week or so before I really started feeling the withdrawals of it. It was especially bad in the days leading up to last weekend’s trip to Seattle. I think chipping my tooth was really where I started to unravel. I really had no intentions of going to Seattle, hadn’t made any specific plans and didn’t want to impose. But as the day got closer I was getting more pressure from Mike to say yes or no. Then when I said no he was like well I thought you were doing this with so and so. News to me! Ok I guess I’m in is what I ended up giving him. I love visiting Seattle any chance I get, but I wasn’t feeling like myself for obvious reasons. I was very frustrated by this damn tooth and feeling seriously manic. Saturday morning over breakfast I was just an unruly bitch. I recognized that this all sprang from the lack of medication coursing through my system. I stopped and apologized to Mike and told him that I had been off my meds and that is where this anxious bitchy attitude was coming from. Being the wise man that he is he responded with a “well why would you do that?” Not exactly what I needed at that moment. I realize that it wasn’t a smart idea and I don’t have an answer that is going to be satisfactory to anyone but myself.
So I went along with this trip hoping and trying to make the best of it. It was extremely difficult given the group of people I was traveling with. While I love all of my friends it is sometimes difficult for me to be around them. I can be somewhat neurotic and it usually comes off as me making a mountain out of a molehill. I am easily flustered and have this need to escape. I don’t like crowds, I especially can’t stand being amongst a group of people that make simple plans into productions. That is a theme that plagues most of our outings. Dinner in Seattle production #1: Where to go? Ok so we figured it out. Hot pot. Who’s coming? It somehow went from the 4 of us traveling plus Henry to the 5 of us plus person A and person B. Well what about person B’s girlfriend? Or person C? Well person C hasn’t responded and isn’t sure if they’ll make it. And person D? Ok let me see if person D wants to come with. Henry made a reservation for 9, I believe, by the time all was said and done there were 11 of us who showed up for dinner. I started feeling the urge to crawl out of my skin and leave it behind before water was even served.
Production #2: Breakfast. I understand wanting to spend time with people you don’t see every day but come on guys we’re in downtown Seattle and want to take 11 people to breakfast? Somehow you made it work. I’m sure the staff at any location we invade want to die when they see us walk in. I really don’t know that the 18% auto gratuity is enough for putting up with all of us. And #3: I’d like to apologize to Armando who so graciously drove us, for snapping at him. I was just very tightly wound and by the time we went into a deep discussion of the best way to approach Pike’s Place Market I had simply had enough. It simply should not be so difficult to decide that we are going to the market. Park where you want we will eventually find each other. But I did snap a bit. I’m sorry! I did surprisingly well in the market itself. Being around so many people usually upsets me tremendously, but I held up well. It was a nice day in the city. I got cheesecake to go and then we headed home.
If you’re still reading I commend you. I have taken a really long way around to get to my point so I apologize! Being on weight watchers has forced me to scrutinize my eating habits and the actual food I put in my mouth. Often times I find myself uttering “oh my god I can’t believe I just ate that” or thinking I’m totally full so why am I still eating? I was taking a mental inventory of all the crap I had put in my mouth during the 24 hours I was away from home. I started at IHOP having a gross grilled cheese sandwich with bacon and fries… with ranch. Oh and don’t forget that salad with ranch too! The sandwich was just not good so it was a waste of points. On the drive up we stopped in Vancouver to use the bathroom. I picked up a bag of Lays sour cream and onion chips 4pts for 17 chips, a bag of chocolate covered peanuts at 4pts for ¼ cup (why on earth have I memorized these points values?!) and a diet Snapple. The chips were gone within minutes. The peanuts I ate a few of, then put the bag away not to be forgotten they were gone before I was in Seattle. I was so stuffed from breakfast and I wasn’t quite sure why I was eating them. Dinner: Hot Pot, it was hard to pin point points for this since I’m not sure how much I ate. It wasn’t much of the stuff itself. I had 2 pot-stickers and some noodle stuff. Undoubtedly I ate all my points and then some. I was still peckish when we left. Let me tell you hotpot should not be done with that many people it just doesn’t work. So after the show Kisha and I went to I wanted something else. What that something was I’m not sure. I didn’t want a full meal that was for sure. I settled on chocolate chip cookies and vanilla ice cream. Oh yeah I make awesome choices. Chocolate chip cookies according to weight watchers 1 pt each for commercially prepared medium cookies. I ate about 5. Vanilla ice cream 4pts for ½ cup. I ate about a 1 ½ cups. There you go. Sunday morning? I had 3 cookies and 1 cup of ice cream it was an appetizer for breakfast. I had a bad dream had to eat it away. What do you want from me?! Ok so at breakfast: Cheeseburger with bacon: 15 pts. French fries: 20 fries for 11 pts. Salad with ranch: let’s just not rehash that. We then moved onto the market where I had a shrimp cocktail. It was good, it was fresh but I was still full. I thought about tossing the rest but I felt guilty. Even as I write this I realize how our parents effed us up. “You better finish your soup ‘cause there are starving babies in Africa who don’t have any soup!” Now I have a hard time throwing anything away. If it manages to make it to my house in a to-go box it will usually sit in the fridge until it starts growing life. I don’t want anything to do with it but I feel guilty throwing it out or leaving it behind. We stopped in the middle of Washington at Cabelas, the scary place that people who I don’t know go shopping for hunting gear and the like. It is hardcore. They ask you to check your weapons at the door. Seriously they have a gun safe where you can valet that shit. Why were we there? Because of Mike, because Mike enjoys the stranger fare in life. He wanted to go shopping in the deli for some exotic meats. We reached the food court just as they closed, not to mention we didn’t see a deli counter anywhere. Mike was convinced they had offerings of emu, wild boar, and other sad creatures that I don’t ever want to see on my plate. It wasn’t until we were leaving totally discouraged that I spotted said counter. It was housed in the food court which was closed. So we moved on. I was somewhat disappointed at not having obtained a corn dog before leaving. Yes really. I know I was still full but again when the urges strike…
We stopped at Burger King where I demolished enough points for a full day in just one sitting.
So I was contemplating all of this as we drove from Vancouver to Eugene. I was also mulling over the binge I had gone on earlier in the week. You know the one with the chips, sunflower seeds, half pound of carrots and cucumber all being had after a perfectly satisfying dinner. I began to think wow I really have a problem. All kidding aside, what am I doing to myself? I complain that I eat as many points as Mike does in a day but have half the allowance when really there is no need! I am about 80lbs lighter than my husband but happily could eat him under the table. It’s disturbing and quite disgusting! I started googling overeaters anonymous, and thought really is this what my life has come to? I think it is. They have a section labeled is OA for you?

1.     Do you eat when you’re not hungry?

2.     Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?

3.     Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?

4.     Do you give too much time and thought to food?

5.     Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?

6.     Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?

7.     Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?

8.     Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?

9.     Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?

10.   Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?

11.   Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?

12.   Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?

13.   Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?

14.   Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?

15.   Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

The site says if you answered yes to 3 or more of the questions chances are you’re well on your way to having a compulsive eating problem. There are 15 questions and I answered yes to 9. What does that tell you? I explained this to Mike a few nights ago. And I’m fighting the tears again just thinking about it. I don’t know that Mike really realized exactly what was happening. As two fat people we tend to say well yeah we eat a lot but we’re fat so I understand I do it too! I had to stop him and explain to him how I felt that particular night with the chips. I made dinner, I ate and I felt full. I would have a few more bites if I had any left I thought to myself. “Try to show some self control Zu” I thought to myself. When Mike left I sat down on the couch and started logging my points on the weight watchers site. Oh I have a few points left I thought, good job! I look over to my left… oh there’s that orange haired temptation monster that weight watchers used for their promotional stuff 2 years ago. He’s staring me right in the face dressed as a bag of Lays chips. So I dug in. Ok I’ll only have one serving I thought. 1/3 of the way down the bag I just crumpled it closed and said ENOUGH! Then I thought well if you’re gonna snack then at least make it something that will fill you up and is 0 points. So I marched into the kitchen and put together a bowl of baby carrots and a sliced cucumber with lemon juice and hot sauce. (Don’t mock it til you try it!) Back on the couch I kept chomping away until the bowl was empty. Mind you this was like a half pound of carrots and a full cucumber. I was so stuffed I couldn’t believe I could still sit up straight. And still I wanted the rest of that damn bag of chips!! Why?! I’m not giving in, I thought. Oh look sunflower seeds! Sometimes I just need something to occupy my mouth. Gum makes my jaw hurt so I don’t use that anymore. So I chomped for what felt like an eternity. Once I was done with that I STILL wanted the chips so I said eff it. I’m eating them. I polished off the bag then finished the sunflower seeds cause there were still some left. Believe me I wondered why I was still going while I was mid chomp. I couldn’t tell you why. I felt ashamed of myself, so ashamed. I wanted to cry, my stomach hurt… it was a very low moment.

I’ve said it half joking before; that if I had it in me to make myself throw up I would be bulimic. There is more truth in that statement than I care to admit to. I said it to Mike recently he asked me why since I’d still be hungry after throwing up. He didn’t realize I was dead serious. No it doesn’t make sense, I’m well aware of the health implications of eating disorders but isn’t what I’m doing to myself classified as one? Is it that I’m fat therefore I can’t possibly have an eating disorder? *Sigh* I started looking at the schedule for the meetings. I’ll be honest; I’m not sure if I will go. I’m not sure if I’m at a point where I can commit… I suppose I’m taking the first step in admitting it to myself.