Dear Depression,
I read earlier an article that claims people who write on a frequent basis find it soothes their depression in some fashion. Ok, truth be told I read the headline and not the actual article. Whatever. But what followed the headline was "what would you write in a letter to your depression?" And that got me wondering, what do I have to say to you?
I have a lot of feelings towards you, most of them aren't very positive as you can imagine. I would say it's nothing persona, but truly it is. You're a selfish son of a bitch, you make it hard for me to live my life how I want it to be lived and taking my meds to keep you at bay makes it shittier of an existence. I get tricked into believing that living with you and letting you run the show is better somehow than the alternative, that icky feeling-less dull fog that I become enveloped in after a few weeks of "compliance". So then I let you run rampant in hopes that for a few moments a day I will feel euphoric, like I'm surrounded by candy rainbows, unicorns and butterflies. But at most I get a few moments of heart racing electricity coursing through me that makes me feel more anxious than alive. So you're a liar. One big fat fucking liar.
Then there's that incessant need of mine to run my mouth that you gleefully encourage. To share every fucking thought in my head with the entire world! Facebook asks how I'm feeling today, do you really want to know Facebook? I don't think you do but I will tell you anyway. I will tell you so fucking much how I'm feeling that people start to wonder if they should be checking me for self inflicted cuts or making certain that I don't have my head in the oven (don't worry I don't have a gas oven). I share more with Facebook than I can cram into an hour long appointment with my shrink once a week.
And I'm awkward! Oh so fucking Awkward... around strangers, around friends. I collect weirdo's like some people collect stamps because I don't know how to tell everyone to fuck off. But sometimes I do, sometimes at work I just lose my patience and string together obscenities like paragraphs. I make people uncomfortable and shockingly have yet to be reprimanded for my behavior. Is it because people recognize that I am one talking to away from walking away from work? Godforbid that should ever happen cause then I'd be in a serious pile of shit up to my eyeballs...
Sometimes though, ok not sometimes, this time around. This ride around the rodeo, I really feel like a clown at the rodeo you know... Anyway, this time around I think I found something that makes me less angry at you Depression. I found that this cave I fell into goes way deeper and spans wider than I ever knew. And when I fell in I found that maybe I don't have to say EVERYTHING all of the goddamn time. Being more of an observer of the world and less of a loud childlike participant has been different. I dunno what that means exactly, but I get a feeling you understand.
And you know what else Depression? I found so much support in the most likely-unlikely of places. I found a world of support in my husband, who by all means should be my #1 supporter but who has I believe struggled to be. I don't blame him at all, or resent him. I don't think he understood what my brand of crazy needs or how to best support it and I don't know how to ask for what I need cause all I need is to stay on my meds but I don't know how to do that. But something shifted this time around... and he has been an incredible rock for me. And my family, I love them so much it hurts sometimes. I think for the first time ever I've felt like I really have a safety net in them. My mom didn't tell me to cheer up, or think happy thoughts or some dumb shit like she has for the last 10 years. And my sisters, I just love my sisters. They're rough and tough and will kick my ass into the ground and kick some dirt on me before they pick me up and love me and dust me off and hold my hand. But that's what kids do, and no matter how old those bitches get they will always be my childhood friends, the same ones that picked on me at every corner but were there to stand up for me whenever anyone else tried to pick on me.
So my dear friend Depression, we've been to hell and back together. We'll be back to hell and we'll come back again together, skipping along hand in hand talking shit to each other all the way. And like a sibling I'll curse you and call you every name in the book. But you'll always be part of my life like my sisters will until the day we die. You've taught me good lessons and for that I thank you.
So that's what I would say to you my lifelong friend. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.
