Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.


****Please know this isn't a cry for help or attention. I'm just working through something and the best way I know how is to write it out. *****


I see a lot of odd folks around the office. It’s just part of the business. Most of the time they’re friendly and sometimes they linger around in hopes of chatting someone up. I don’t think it is for any other reason than to talk to someone else. There’s one man I’ve noticed a few times now, he comes in and takes care of his business and then sits to wait for the bus. After sitting for maybe 20 minutes he makes his way to my window and starts talking to me. It has been the same conversation each time. He installed digital thermometers in his home and his bills have dropped significantly. He has asthma and can’t sleep at night; he also has diabetes and has been known to lose consciousness from low blood sugar. All stuff he shares with me during each visit.

This morning he added that he hasn’t been sleeping well. He found out his friend killed a cop. That caught my attention! For you non Eugenians; Friday afternoon a local officer attempted to stop a woman who ran a light. A high speed chase ensued which ended when the driver got stuck in traffic, the officer got dangerously close and was shot. The man in my office knew this woman. He said she was in a support group with him. I didn’t ask what kind of group but he mentioned that she dropped out of it and her life seemed to slide downhill after her mom died a few years back. He said he knew she had mental issues but he could have never imagined that she could do something like this. He kept saying something must have made her snap.

It bothered me… not listening to him, but this whole idea of someone snapping like that. Through my career and education limited as though they may be I’ve learned about mental health. I’ve learned that a lot of homeless people come to that point not because they are lazy but because of circumstances that create the perfect storm. That may not be the case for all but it is for some. How could one not believe that when we have so many social agencies working to provide mental health care to the poorest of the poor in our communities?

It is frightening to me. It is frightening to think that this is something that could occur to me. I make light of my relentless depression, my crazy outbursts, my diagnosis; but I wonder how many of these people started out like me. Just a little weird, just a little depressed. I think back to a lot of the moments that made me crack. For example the time when I was a deep breath away from putting a steak knife in Mike’s ass. It sounds funny to say, maybe for some of you not funny in a haha kind of way. But what if I had done it? What if I had stabbed Mike? I’m sure I would have ended up in the Johnson Unit or in cuffs for domestic assault. That isn’t the only moment where I’ve wanted to cause something or someone harm. And there have been events that occurred, things that really sicken me to remember which even Mike doesn’t know of. What kind of change would that have caused in the trajectory of my life?

When I was home for lunch earlier I mentioned a bit of this to Mike. Like we always do he made a joke, you would only see the dust he left behind because he took off so quickly. People would be like “wow who knew that big boy could move that fast!” Of course I don’t believe he would leave me. We are a huge burden for each other; he takes care of me as much as I take care of him. It looks differently for each of us. He’s the big silent type, so when he speaks you’d better listen or you might miss something really important. I piss and moan and bitch and rant and rave all day long. I make doctor’s appointments, I cancel doctor’s appointments, constantly ask if he’s ok.

Can you imagine bringing another life into this circus of a life? I couldn’t. Whether or not I actually want children it would be the most irresponsible thing I could ever do. All of my supporters agree that it isn’t anyone’s business but Mike and my own. Wouldn’t it be great if everyone else could understand that? I watch way more reality tv than anyone should, and let me tell you. People are incredibly fucked up. They talk about their alcoholic, drug addicted, and mentally unstable parents and how they made them who they are today. Now imagine for a moment what would happen if I had a child. It would likely be a fat diabetic baby. If it were lucky it would only be fat and diabetic. Chances are this child would have a myriad of other health problems. Asthma I’m sure, bad eyes, I don’t know. What else are babies born with? My brother had pneumonia just out of the womb and he grew up to be kind of dumb. I don’t blame the pneumonia though.

So we already have a poor kid, predisposed to all sorts of shitty stuff. Add to it a crazier than shit mom who can’t stand the sound of crying babies, who will likely be suffering from post partum depression (you can’t take depakote during pregnancy). That child will be lucky to make it out of infancy. I know it is horrifying; but I honestly can’t say without a shadow of a doubt that I would never ever ever ever harm that child. It is something I simply can’t risk.

I think my greatest fear has become losing control of my mind. Not being able to trust what I know and living out my days in a padded room in a drug induced haze.

Just a tad on the angry side

I'm in a funk. Feeling pretty low right now. No particular reason. Just sad. I miss Mike even though he's downstairs right now. He's playing video games and I can't take that away from him right now. He's had a rougher time the last few weeks than I have. Working til 3 and 4 am can not be fun by any stretch of the imagination. I feel really terrible for him. I know he busts his butt to do his work and a lot of his time is spent waiting for others to finish so he can start. When it's his turn it blows. One would think that folks in the industry would know by now how things go. Sound is about the last thing to go in and maybe cut the man some slack by working your deadlines around that. Not in his company. Here he is basically told he's a slacker and a cry baby. That if he didn't spend so much time with a thumb up his ass and did some work he wouldn't have to crunch to get his work done.
when he told me the way his review went the other night I about lost it. I was so angry for him. I don't know how he can take it. His boss is a worthless piece of shit asshole who doesn't know what Mike actually does. Imagine he conveniently makes certain he's out of the office the entire week that reviews are going on. The last few times Mike has actually heard him around the office he's mostly been bragging about the $900 + tab that he ran up in alcohol on the company tab of course while schmoozing other assholes in the industry. That man makes me want to spit in his face. I would literally go out of my way to hit this man with my car if I saw him crossing the street. I might back up and make sure to hit him once or twice more. It seems he's at a stalemate with these sons of bitches. He doesn't have anywhere to go and they can't afford to lose him. But because he maybe needs them more than they need him they treat him like shit.
Sometimes I wonder what members of the upper crust think when I post disparaging messages on facebook about the company. I wonder but frankly I don't care. If any of them consider themselves my friends they realize that what I say is truth. Mike doesn't get a 1/4 of the respect that he deserves. He puts up with it quietly because unfortunately that's who he is. The day will come when he finds a way out of that shit hole and I will be glad to see the place burn to the ground. 

Dinner is...

Ruined, gross, slimy.

Pick any of those nouns (They are nouns right? My mom used to ask me how the hell I could fail English class if I spoke the damn language. I said same way I fail Spanish) above and that was my dinner. It started out with good intentions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions right? So anyway! I had a shitty day, shitty shitty shitty! I just couldn't catch a fucking break all day long seriously. I am exhausted. My tipping point was a customer that I was helping cause he spoke Spanish. He just was not getting it. He wasn't making sense either. He thought we were either over charging him or we lost a payment that he made. Even after showing him a copy of the original receipt for that "missing" payment, showing him copies of his bills and explaining over and over and over and over and ooooooooover again why his balance was what it was he just didn't get it. He asked to speak to someone else because he was convinced we made a mistake. There was no mistake. Who else do you want to talk to? You got me buddy that's pretty much the end of the line cause no one else speaks Spanish and I'M EXPLAINING THIS TO YOU!! I think we were both really frustrated. He ended up storming out leaving his wife holding the bag. I tried to explain it to her one more time and I think she got it. I was trying so hard not to be rude or let him get to me. I was just frustrated beyond belief. I had a long as day leading up to this moment. I got back to my desk and asked G to hold me and rock me for a bit.
I have had a long week and it is only Tuesday. By the time I was close to going home I emailed Mike and told him I REFUSE to go to the gym. It had been a day that would cause me to throw very heavy free weights into someones face or onto someones foot just for kicks. It was such a gorgeous day. I left the office, picked up my prescriptions and went home. I took a nice stroll outside. Maybe 30 to 45 minutes. I think it helped cool my jets just a bit. So after my walk I came home to make dinner.
Dinner was supposed to be a shrimp and pasta. The recipe called for 1 and 3/4 cups of chicken broth, some minced garlic, lemon juice, parsley, and 2 tablespoons of corn starch to thicken it. When all was said and done the concoction was just like slime. It lacked flavor, the texture or rather the slime just grossed me out. It was just a terrible idea all around. I suppose if nothing else it was a great diet food. I ate maybe an appropriate serving of pasta! Ugh.. I'm hungry again and I have already tossed that stuff away. It was just bad.
There's a cold bottle of wine in the fridge and I think I'm gonna get a glass and go to town! I'm drinking my dinner tonight!

Reward offered

A size-able reward is being offered for any information leading to the safe return of my mind. Any leads and tips should be sent via text immediately or left in a comment bellow.

I woke up this morning and I swear I had it but then again that was at 5:25 a.m. Why on Gods green earth would I wake up that early? I don't know you'd have to ask my internal clock about that. It's been my new witching hour. Bullshit is what it is. So I woke up. Scrambled around in bed trying to find my phone which was conveniently lodged between my boxspring and the wall. As I attempted to retrieve it, it fell all the way under the bed. Of course being the lunatic that I am, I decided to go under the bed looking for it. Again it wasn't yet 5:30 am. Gaaaah! So once safely back in my hand, my phone and I returned to bed. I went back to sleep and woke up to the usual Bayblade cartoons. Terrible terrible cartoons. Why kids get all into that I'll never know. So back on topic... I woke up later than usual. I had turned off my alarm around 7 don't quite know why but it seemed like a good idea. So I shoved Mike awake and made him get in the shower. That would buy me a precious few more moments of sleep. By the time I was in the shower it was nearly 8am. I have to be at work at 8:30... I rushed around the house, not sure if Mike got his insulin, I didn't grab my pills. I slapped some cold pizza into some foil, threw an apple and a banana in a bag with said pizza and the same with a yogurt container in a bag for Mike. Off we went at 8:25. Rushed into work and got my computer going. Then I just sat there. And sat there, and sat some more. Looked over at G and pronounced that I had absolutely no intentions of doing anything productive today before returning to my staring. Ok it felt a lot longer than it was. I might have wasted 20 or so minutes just reading useless emails and printing my morning work. The phone wasn't as busy as most days so I just let G manage that for a while.
I shoved some pizza down my gullet between customers, one guy kept coming back and asking one more question each time I had just taken a bite of food. I was becoming increasingly annoyed at his disrupting of my waste of time. Before I knew it, it was 11:30 and that means lunch time! I hard to schlep my ass down to the post office where I handed over an envelope containing $470 addressed to the Oregon Department of Revenue. Yeah they are collecting quite a bit of revenue those bastards. I was still pretty full from the breakfast pizza so I decided to go with a light lunch. I stopped in at the sushi station. I had some edemame, a shrimp tempura appetizer and a cucumber and avocado roll.
It was a gorgeous day. So sunny and awesome but cold as sin! I moved a little quicker trying to get back to the office. So back at my desk I went back to my little to no work production. Really I was spending the afternoon cleaning up messes that I've left over the week. I was just doing it slower than I could have. I have plenty of work to keep occupied with it's just a matter of desire. I was moving along nicely until I hit a speed bump. Isn't that how it always happens?
There was a particular account that I could have and probably should have left alone but for fear of the repercussions of doing so I went and made more work for myself. It was simply one of those you're damned if you do and damned if you don't kind of things. Either way it was going to be a pain in my ass. I just know it!  So I had something to do most of the afternoon. If I had come to work with my brain I might not have finished the afternoon like this.
I don't know where it all really went wrong but I was just embarrassed by how dumb I got as the day went on! I can't believe how many times I had the opportunity to fix one mistake and I just kept fucking it up!
So a man calls, very nice man friendly whatever. He says I just got off the phone with such and such agency and they said to call you. I look up his account and respond with. Oh well that was silly of them you need to call these folks for an appointment first! I'll be glad to transfer you to them! Off goes Mr. Friendly Guy. I went about my business then a second later I look back over at his account and it clicks. Damn it I didn't need to transfer him! I called the number I had on the account, well one of them and it was his wifes voice mail. I left a long winded pointless message basically asking he call us back. Then my phone rings. It was the agency I just transfered Mr. Friendly Guy to. They're confused, he just had his appointment why did someone refer him to schedule an appointment? Derrr... cause Zuzu didn't bring her brain to work... So I said yeah, my bad I just tried calling him. So the agency says so he's ok to go? I say yeah sure oh, wait no, he has to pay $___ first. Ok the nice gal will let him know. Crisis averted. Hang up the phone... GAWDDAMN IT ZU!! He doesn't need to pay anything!! *bangs head on keyboard*  Here's hoping he'll call tomorrow, his wife will call, I don't care. If they pay it that's fine too cause they likely have a balance anyway. Ugh... I almost did that to another person. Instead I gave him the right info and then forgot to finish the process that reverses the charges off his account. It was 5:30, I was waiting for Mike and about to shut down when I remembered. It was a second GAWDDAMNIT ZU! moment. Good grief.
So if you see my mind wandering the streets of Eugene, please, please, please capture it in a burlap sack and beat it a few times then deliver it to me!

Is there a support group for shopoholics?

Closet compulsive shopper? Me? Shopaholic? No way! Maybe? Hmmm... Ok so I admit to being an impulse shopper. I look at something it looks so pretty I just HAVE to have it. Sometimes I do it with clothes too. Ok a lot of the time it is with clothes.

When Mike and I first moved to Eugene I was unemployed. I was on a bit of a break for about a month and it wasn't so bad. It was just long enough to get comfortable in town and not quite long enough to break the bank. What could have broken the bank was all the shopping I started doing. Oh my goodness I was smitten by all the sales everywhere! Gottschalks was still open and they were constantly having sales like buy one get 2 free, 70-90% off everything under the sun etc. Oh there was Old navy, there was Lane Bryant. I was in a shopaholic’s heaven. The silver lining to all this is that I'm also kind of cheap so I don't like spending a lot on one thing when I can get so much more for the same price! I love love love sales and clearances. It got to the point where I would go to the mall once a day and maybe buy something maybe not. Either way I started stashing stuff around the house. Not because Mike would be mad but because I felt incredibly guilty. Even if I had just spent $10, it was $10 worth of clothes that I DIDN’T need.

Later on it became fun and sometimes more shameful to find these hidden “treasures”. I really miss the storage space at our old place. I hid stuff in so many nooks and crannies!

I have really curtailed my shopping over the last few months. Especially after our move, I was so upset at myself for all of the junk I had allowed to pile up! If I wanted to make an excuse for it I could chalk it up to part of my manic behavior. Whether or not that’s true is another story to dig through with a professional. It has always made me feel excited to see all of these awesome finds for so cheap. It isn’t okay, I shouldn’t do it but I can’t help it. Do we remember the meat sale that I found at Albertson’s? I spent about $60-$70 on meat. I should have gone home and immediately frozen some of it. Instead I left it in the fridge and used some of it over the next few days. Sadly just days ago I found two steaks in the fridge that had turned to some unrecognizable shade of green. Buh bye!! Then there were the pork chops. I looked at them, they looked fine, and they didn’t smell any different than raw meat usually does so I cooked them. The jury is still out on whether that was what did me in yesterday but I’ve got a good feeling. One of my coworkers told me today that she won’t keep pork in the fridge longer than 2 days. Mine sat for over a week. Well okay then maybe it is the reason I nearly killed myself!

On Sunday I was cleaning out my inbox on an account I rarely use these days. I came across an email from Old Navy. Dun dun DUN!!! It was letting me know that Sunday was the last day of their sale. Everything was 30-50% off! INCLUDING CLEARANCE!!! Oh you bet your sweet ass I was heading there asap! I hadn’t been shopping in a number of weeks especially not at Old Navy. So I loaded my hubby in the car, got him some lunch and off I went on my grand shopping adventure. I left my purse at home and brought only the essentials; my glucometer (which doubles as a wallet), my keys and my phone. I must have spent close to two hours in that store! Trying stuff on, digging through piles of jeans, making painful decisions to leave things behind. There was a GORGEOUS white pea coat, short, double breasted buttons… $10. But it was too big. DAMN IT! I couldn’t justify buying it for the sake of its gorgeousness if I really couldn’t wear it. It hung on me like a man’s coat. I couldn’t even try and pretend, so I put it back. At the end of my shopping extravaganza I had purchased 3 pairs of jeans for $5.49 each, 2 cowl neck sweaters one was white the other green $1.49 each, 2 cute tops that are kind of long and can probably be worn with leggings $8 each. One dress that I will probably need to wear some spanx with (or lose some damn weight)! I think a few other odds and ends. My total bill was $47. Three bags full of stuff I probably don’t need and could have gone without but I got a hell of a deal damn it!

What got me thinking of all of this was a phone call I got earlier. I was away from my desk for a while and when I got back I had a missed call and a voice mail from a local number. Did I forget about a dr’s appointment? Hmm… so I checked my voicemail and found it was a call from a sales person at Torrid. She was calling to inform me that they are having a 50% sale off of all of their clearance! It was like the skies parted, the rays of sun came burning through and were gloriously lighting up the doorway to that store. I love Torrid. Most big girls do! Its stylish clothes for the heavier women, unfortunately they can be extremely pricey. It makes me wonder sometimes if they’re really charging by the foot. So when they have sales like that you bet your tush I’m going to go take a look! After all my husband just got a Nintendo 3DS, he owes me something!

She's fat and sassy!

Kinda not how I'm feeling today. The morning started off fine with the exception of a pesky headache. It quickly progressed to include nausea and dry heaving. I made it until 10 am when I just had to get out of the office. I was having that extra saliva building up in my mouth that comes right before you throw up. I'm sure you know the feeling. I know I'm not crazy for thinking that! So I came home. My head was pounding my eyes hurt I wanted to throw up and I wanted peace and quiet.
Instead I came home to more construction. I wanted to bang my head against the steering wheel when I pulled up. How could I forget? I was just there like 2 hours ago and they had just gotten started for the day. But really what other choice did I have? I dragged my sick ass up the stairs and inside. I gagged a lot. The thought of my face near the toilet grosses me out no matter how clean that fucker is. I tried and tried to no avail to throw up. So I moved onto the couch. I couldn't lay in bed because they were working on the siding of the building closest to my bed. I figured a centralized position in the middle of the living room should be ok. Then they started working on the deck. Oh FUCK ME! Really guys? Then the front of the house! I was literally surrounded by hammers, and saws and banging and noise and hell all entirely hell. I tried and tried to sleep. I would half doze only to be woken by the sound of more and louder bangs. I pooped a lot. Yes I know you don't want to know that. But my butt was on fire! I think the pork chops were getting their revenge on me.
By the time I woke up with my blood sugar crashing I realized I hadn't eaten all morning, or afternoon by that time. It was about 1 or 2 pm and I was starving. I wandered into the kitchen where I found absolutely nothing I could put together into a meal. I had cheese and no tortillas or bread. I had peanut butter and jelly again no goddamn bread. So I decided I would venture out to the market of choice pick up some lunch and some pepto, immodium, or anything designed to stop the runs and pain. As I was slapping on my shoes I thought I heard the door. So I swing the bastard open only to find a gapping hole where my porch once was. Also there was a freaked out looking construction worker yelling for me not to step outside and a strangely perched UPS delivery guy asking if Michael Jones resided here. I was so confused so out of it. I was like ok no I won't step off my front door and yes he does. Um.. could you uh... leave that somewhere?
So much for lunch or meds. I went back to the couch and pouted. I have no fucking food, no way to get food into the house. i suppose I could order a pizza but they've taken down my house numbers so if they found their way here they would also be posed with the same question of how the hell to get my food in the door. I found an expired bag of tortilla chips that I hadn't opened and a jar of salsa. I made some ghetto nachos which did more harm than good to my already wrecked stomach and I went back to sleep. Somewhere around 4:30 I woke up and all sounds of work that subsided.

I looked out back and I had the beginning of a deck, I opened the front door and to my glorious surprise there was once more a slab of wood where hours earlier only a hole resided. As you can tell from that picture only a small piece of front porch remained I don't know what made it so special but there it stood holding up my welcome mat which really should read "Go Away" and the package that Mike received.
What a day indeed. Now I feel better, I had dinner and it stayed down and inside. Oz is here... whole other entry. But leave it to say that my kitchen is like an OCD dream and all of my laundry is clean and put away. That was more out of shame than anything! Well with that... off to bed. Drugs await me!

This little piggy went into the trash

As I type Mike is off scrubbing the toilet. I know he is cause I can smell the cleaning products. It reminds me of a time I came home to find him bent over the bathtub giving it the scrubbing of its life. He reeked of bleach and I have never been so turned on in my life! hahaha!! Oh Mikey, he does keep me guessing.
I've been in a foul mood all afternoon. Mostly cause I was sleepy as hell. Cause I had to answer the same question 15 different times and then dinner pissed me off. Bastard wouldn't cook! I followed the directions and that goddamn pork chop was pink inside no matter how long I left it on the heat. Eventually I just gave up and threw the fucker away. I didn't throw all of it away just 2 pieces. That wasn't bad. I know there are starving kids in other countries and in Eugene, but really I don't think they deserve being poisoned by my terrible cooking. Hell I'm not entirely convinced that Mike and I are in the clear. Only time will tell.
I'm more than a little agitated right now. It feels like nails on a chalk board the agitation that is. I don't know why but the guys downstairs laughing and carrying on is driving me insane. I miss my old place with walls that went from floor to ceiling!! I need some noise canceling headphones.

A successful day

I've been on the depakote for 5 days now and so far so good. No rashes, no tremors and no seizures. I have however had one killer headache! Been having one daily, it isn't one of those "I'm going to ruin your entire day everyday" but substantial enough to make it a difficult week. My energy reserves have sprung a leak. I have been so incredibly tired everyday. Last night I made it through dinner before running off to the spare room at Armando's and put myself down for a nap. The problem with naps at 8:30pm is that you wake up around 11 and well now you've already gotten 1/3 to 1/2 of your nights sleep. I woke up in a haze. Tired as hell yet not ready for more sleep. We got home and had some ice crea, watched some Archer and then went off to bed. I've been waking up at 5:35 every morning for the last week. I don't know why. It's brief. As soon as I am awake enough to realize what time it is I go back to sleep but how annoying. The sleep specialist had suggested if I have a hard time going back to sleep, that I simply get out of bed and stop trying. Yeah not gonna happen!
So no deadly side effects yet, we're still on a low dose of this stuff but overall I feel more mellow. I went to the market by myself today. That would have previously been unheard of. It was a sunny day so that means all of Eugene would be out and about and you all know what happens to me around crowds right? I don't like them. I don't like even large groups of my friends. I get too anxious, uncomfortable, claustrophobic, and inevitably irritable, very very irritable. I was at the market for about a half hour before I found Suzanne. But during that time I made my way through all the crowds, found veggies and more veggies and crowds lots of them. But it didn't affect me. I was very calm making my way through the maze of people. I was very proud of myself. It was like I was a functioning person not the lunatic I turn into.
Last night I had a slight exchange with a 6 year old which perhaps I could have handled less rudely but all in all I think we're still friends! haha It went something like this. I was playing angry birds minding my own business waiting as patiently as I could for dinner to be ready. Little E wanted to play angry birds as well. The entire time she was way too far into my comfort bubble. But it would have just been mean to shake the child off. So instead our conversation went like this.
E: What are you playing?
Me: Angry birds.
E: Oh I love that game! I wish I could play!
Me: Yeah, but I'm playing.
E: Well could I try?
Me: Nope
E: Why not?
Me: I don't like to share.
E: But sharing is nice!
Me: Yeah that's what I hear. -- She then wandered off. See kids have a short attention span and I doubt she'll remember that I'm mean auntie Zulema who doesn't like to share. Or maybe she will and I won't be asked to share my toys. Either way neither of us lost anything except a few games of Angry Birds.

Please Stand By

I'm not super amusing today. I'm feeling sluggish and would give anything for a nap right now.
I went to see Dr. L yesterday and we decided to go with our #2 drug. Depakote. Reason being that Lithium comes with the risk of thyroid problems. While it isn't anything major and it is treatable the diabetes also comes with the same potential risk and so we decided it's best not to tempt fate. Oh and there is also a risk of kidney damage, but again it isn't a guarantee and it isn't deadly. Ok sure whatever. Just feed me some pills doc!
The fun really began when I picked up the prescription. Keep in mind the only thing we really talked about was the drowsiness that this stuff could cause. He also gave me directions on how to take it. 1 tablet a night before bedtime for the 1st week. 2 tablets a night before bed for the next week. 2 tablets at bedtime and 1 in the morning for the next week. Well really from the third week on until further notice. He said not to worry about it seeming like I was taking a truckload of pills. His goal is to get me to around 1200 to 1500mg a day. Holy shit right?! Apparently he's got a patient on approximately 2500 I was like wow so that bitch is 2x as crazy as I am! So there I am at the pharmacy super excited that I only paid $10 for it. Gawd I love generic medications! So I come up to the pharmacist since he has to release them. So he asks if I was made aware of the side effects I should be aware of. Um... not really why don't you share Mr. Pharmacist! And he does... poor guy couldn't look me in the eye possibly because of the way my eyes kept getting wider and wider. So he starts with... You may notice tremors. They're somewhat common, this is an anti-seizure medication... are you taking this for seizures or um... (starts looking way above my head) moods? That totally made me a little self conscious too and I was like uh... um.. moods...
So he moves onto "Well this can also trigger seizures, that's another pretty common thing but more likely if you already suffer from seizures." Are you serious? Not that I expect to have a seizure but explain to me why a medication made to treat seizures will also set them off. Also the seizures can be triggered while on the medication and mixing it with alcohol. Well slap my ass and call me crazy! This shit is gonna put a damper on my weekends! But hey what's a little shaking and drooling between friends?! Oh but we haven't yet gotten to the best and definitely not least of the effects to look for. Rash. And not any kind of rash but a life-threatening one. I thought the med that was off the table was the one that caused the rash! Gawddamnit! I couldn't do anything other than laugh.
I have to keep laughing cause I'm sure one of the stated effects will eventually rear its ugly head. I guess if it's the tremors then I can live with that. I had read about one medicine that causes this condition where your eyes shift stupid fast back and forth and you get stuck like that for like ever. This one isn't it so I guess if my hands shake a little for a while then I can deal with that. But if you really knew me, you'd know that I'm usually the worst care scenario. Take this entire situation for example. I went in for some Xanax or Valium. I walked out with a whole new diagnosis. Crazy is as crazy does.  So please stand by while some version of me comes back ladies and (if there are any) gentlemen.

It's Sunday today. Yesterday was Saturday, tomorrow will be Monday. You know I should probably listen to that girls song if I'm gonna continue to mock her. Or maybe I should just not mock her. Meh it's a toss up.

I went to the grocery store this afternoon. I wanted to go into Fred Meyers cause they have like everything but when I pulled into the parking lot I about lost my mind. It was just so busy! People can't seem to drive their way out of a paper bag. There were idiots driving past other idiots that were trying to leave nearly hitting them, there were other idiots just stopping at random in front of me. Absolutely no reason to have stopped, it just looked like a good place for a break? I couldn't do it. I left immediately. My anxiety was spiking I felt like I had an elephant on my chest. It was almost as hard to leave the parking lot as it was getting in. There was only a left hand turn available to exit and cars just kept coming. Finally I just darted out like all the other assholes on the road. I made it across the street and safely into the Albertson's parking lot which was much more my speed. Totally deserted. I had to sit in the car and take a breather before I could muster up enough will to get out of the car.
I've been completely devoid of energy all day long. I slept poorly and woke up ready for a nap. Of course there is no such luck for me. Mike and I had breakfast then went to see a movie. We saw the source code and it was good but I kept drifting off. I was worried I'd start to snore during the movie. It's not unlike me to do that. After the movie was lunch. First we needed to get mike a belt or some suspenders to keep his pants up. We got home sat at the table for a few minutes and yawned and yawned. I would have not given it a second thought to climb in bed at that second. Mike suggested a meal replacement shake for lunch. I said sure I'll make you one and have some popcorn myself. What I was really thinking was I'll make you your shake, I'll eat some popcorn and I'll climb in bed. He didn't like that plan he wanted real food. I thought jesus christ on a pogo stick, my blood sugar HAS to be through the roof if I'm feeling this run down! I was wrong. It was 160, although Mike assures me it could have been way higher earlier thus causing the comatose feeling. I kept telling myself if I kept moving I might be okay. I'll shake off the feeling. In retrospect, I was wrong.
We had lunch and I took him to work. I had decided this grocery trip was going to happen whether I would have to stop in a parking lot and snooze for a half hour or not.

I made it into Albertsons with no idea what I was actually there for. The last few months we've always gone in and come out with at least apples and bananas, so I figured if nothing else... I started checking out some fruits and veggies. I found an incredible turnip! It was the most gigantic thing in the world! Compared to red cabbages its like the equivalent of like 4 of them side by side. Holy crap you could use that thing as a deadly weapon! So that cheered me up. Then I meandered into the meat section. I wasn't looking for anything in particular. But I stumbled upon a sale. Buy one get one free on just about everything there! If anyone doesn't know this by now, I am incredible sucker for sales. Whether or not I need the item on sale chances are I'll consider the purchase anyway. Sales were made for idiots like me. That being said, I left the store with 2 packets of chicken breast, 2 packets of pork chops, 2 packs of lean ground turkey, and like 4 packets of steak. I don't know how many pounds each contains but there's a lot. Sorry Mike! I was on such a high after my amazing $30 in savings (yes I am being sarcastic about the savings, no I'm not kidding about the high I was on) I ran off to Walmart. Oh goodness. I just needed zip lock bags and foil. Then I ended up purchasing new tubes for my bike, and a new seat, and brown rice. Why? Because I can! No not really but because eventually I would have purchased the bike stuff I hope the sun starts coming out in our parts. And the rice, well I wanted some goddamn rice! I found myself driving back to the other side of town cause I forgot Mikes prescription needed to be picked up. Then I got home and my knees about buckled at the thought of taking all those bags upstairs... But I did it. I'm tired, sleepy and now I have to go to the gym. So here I go friends. Off to the DAC Thats right bitches. Gold's Gym can go suck on that turnip!

Saturday

If you really can't read my writings with an open mind please stop right here.

I'm reluctant to even write today but I definitely have something weighing on me. It's my nephews birthday so I called my sister to say happy birthday. Some days I wonder why I bother anymore. Maybe it is best to just take a long break from the family. I realize how hurtful that is to say but I am constantly having my feelings hurt by them.
I let myself become so consumed by the situations going on there that I forget that when I need support I may not find it there. I may be writing out of anger and hurt but that is where I am right now. I don't know who's reading and who doesn't and it's not that I don't care but ultimately I'm writing for me. I hope I don't hurt any one's feelings in the process but this really is for me. I have been changing and evolving over the last several months and it hasn't been easy. No one has ever claimed that change is easy. So I come here and I vent, and I say what I have to say and sometimes I feel better. I am 100% honest whether it's pretty or ugly, funny or dumb, whether or not it is interesting because it is for me. I struggle every day to make the right choices, to say the right thing or to not say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I'm not always successful, I'm not always coherent, I'll step on a lot of toes and I will make a lot of apologies.
Today my sister really broke my heart. She's been more cruel, more cold and more insensitive but today it just cut me a little too deep. Whether this gets back to her or she reads it herself is irrelevant at this point.
My family has a long long long history of turmoil. My parents don't make the wisest choices, they don't always say the right thing, they hold grudges, but ultimately they haven't ever abandoned me. When it comes to our parents and my sister they have always been like rams. The just keep bucking against each other for the better part of my life. Still my sister lives under their roof. She makes threats, she stomps around like a bratty child; she gives the cold shoulder etc but she's still there and they allow her to be there.
The last 2 or 3 months have been exceptionally dramatic. I try to listen to every one's side of the story, I try not to judge because I've been there. I know how they are but man does it stress me out. It makes me sad and it makes me feel like I'm losing my family. I told Mike I wished to visit home but that's no longer home. I don't feel like I have anything to come home to.
Today when I called I got filled in on all of the gory details of the last few weeks. It was hard to listen to... all the outbursts, all of the fights. All culminating in a "we're going to pretend like everything is ok until we move out. After that if I never see mom again it will be fine by me." Fine do what you will. Suddenly the conversation turned to me and my need for attention. I'm an attention whore, I need to one up my sisters, there is nothing in my life that should be stressing me out.
So I guess I need to break that all down for myself. I'm an attention whore because I blog. Because my blog is not private, instead I allow my friends to get a look inside my head. I'm one upping my sister because she recently reached out of help for her own issues and I went and got myself diagnosed as bipolar. Selfish bitch that I am! How dare I seek out help after months of complaining to my husband, of talking to my therapist of suffering inside my mind. I guess the one up is because I told someone about it? I didn't tell you about the fight I had with Mike over the whole thing. About crying myself to sleep because I was so frustrated. I'm frustrated that I don't have control over my mind, over my body, over my weight, over just about everything. She told me she could very well walk into a Dr's office and leave with the same diagnosis if she wanted. Well news flash you fucking idiot that's because you are just as goddamn crazy as I am! Go ahead so I can call you and tell you that you're just trying to one up the rest of us!

I realize that mental health issues come with a stigma. It is a fact that truly saddens me. Instead of support, people are finding ridicule. It isn't something that everyone understands and the fear of the unknown causes us to behave like complete fucking idiots. Keep in mind for a moment that your actions but especially your words affect those around you. They can be positive or negative and you never really know the state of mind that somebody else is in and how they will receive your message. Your words might seem funny to you, but they can be like a dagger to somebody else.
I am hurt by finding such lack of support in my own family. We always joke that we're all nuts. That joke is not so much a joke. Sure everyone is a little off in their own ways. Genetically we're predispositioned to have addictive personalities. It could be alcohol, drugs, food... I'm not calling anyone out but we all know who we are. Does it anger you that I'm getting treatment because I'm airing out my own dirty laundry? I'm sorry some of yours gets let out with my own. I mean no harm, but you are all part of what makes me who I am. I have been strong enough to step up and say I need help. I can't do this on my own. I am afraid, I am hurt. I shouldn't be chastised for it.

Zuzu stole what?!

When I was but a wee crazy pants child I was quite the clepto. Oh the things I would steal... I stole my cousins diary once. Can you believe that? Not because I wanted to read it but because it was pretty. Lany if you're reading this I'm sorry and I promise I really didn't read it! One of the most poignant stories of theft from my childhood was the time I stole $11 from my dads wallet. I couldn't tell the difference between a $1 and a $10 at the time. I was in like first grade. I thought I took two dollars. On the school bus I showed my sister and she demanded to be paid for her silence. I gave her the $1 only because the other one was prettier. I bought ice cream for myself and one of my friends that day. The change I got back I put into a plastic rabbit. It was fuchsia pink. It was an Easter present, at some point it had been candy filled now it held all the change I received after spending 60 cents on 2 ice cream sandwiches. I was so surprised that they gave me more money than I had given them or so I thought. I was so excited to have gotten my ice cream and having something awesome to put in my pink bunny. I went skipping off to the bathroom, jingling bunny in hand. I carefully set my pink bunny on the floor of the bathroom stall and sat my then tiny ass on the toilet. I sat there doing my business, little feet dangling when suddenly I see a strange small hand reaching under the wall separating the stalls. I sat there frozen in time as I watched this tiny hand reach for my pink bunny and then disappear back under the wall. I couldn't tell you today why I didn't kick the hand or jump off the toilet and pursue the thief that had just made away with my favorite worldly possession. I just let it go.
When asked about the missing money I told my mom that I had taken $2 and that I had shared it with my sister. When questioned my sister had adamantly denied such allegations. I think we may have both gotten in trouble anyway. Years later the story was brought up again and at that point I fessed up to my sticky fingers. I don't know if to this day my sister has ever fessed up to her part in the theft.
Oddly enough my kleptomania was never really addressed by my parents. I wonder how different I would have turned out had someone taken the time to scold me properly about that. *Shrug* I remember being told later in life about the conferences my mom had with my teachers. In kindergarten I would steal chalk for my chalk board at home. Why I didn't just ask my parents to buy me the colorful stuff instead of the plain white stuff is beyond me. Instead every so often would come home with underwear full of chalk. Yes, you read that correctly. I would stuff the contraband chalk into my days-of-the-week underwear. Markers were next, candy sometimes. Who knows I stole a ton of stuff. I used to get candy out of the bulk bins at the grocery store and put in the bags and toss it in the grocery cart I was helping mom push around and eat it as we walked. In 5th grade I was on the playground with some friends. One of them had a nutty butter bar that she had left by the swing set with a sweatshirt possibly. I snatched that sucker and ran. What's worse is I didn't even eat it. I went to the girls room and stuffed it in the trashcan. Gawd I was a hateful little thing wasn't I? I'm surprised I didn't steal from the collection plates in church!
Dad worked for a plant nursery and we lived on acres of land covered in plants and trees and it was beautiful. My sister and I spent a lot of time on our own. Mom worked full time and since we lived on the property dad was working they felt safe leaving us at home most of the time.(Silly old people right?!) There was a small administrative office directly next to our house. The two buildings were separated only by the car port between them that sister once set on fire. But that is a story for another day. Sister and I found the keys to the office once and from that day on our lives might never be the same again. We would sneak in there and steal office supplies mostly. Sister would steal string cheese out of the mini fridge the ladies shared. We always made sure to leave our shoes off outside the door just to make sure we didn't leave tracks. Our filthy socks probably left tiny imprints in the white carpet. I'm sure they realized they didn't have mice that could get into the fridge but tiny nosey kids that lived next door. We were never "caught" although I suspect they knew.