I've started this blog over like 10 times in my head. I wasn't sure if I'd even bring it up after all you already know how demented I am but in keeping with my full disclosure agreement to myself... I have terrible heartburn right now. Probably from the 3 slabs of pizza I had for lunch. That was just me making conversation, you know like when you don't know the right way to tell someone you just ran their dog over. At least that’s what I imagine the conversation might go like. Then you just slip it in there... (Me) so your dog... he was a terrible pissing machine wasn't he? (You) Yes he is, but he's wonderful I just don't know what I would do without him. Why do you ask? (Me) Oh just asking, damn this heartburn is killing me! Speaking of killing things, I ran your dog over. *end scene* Is it terrible that I literally laughed out loud when I re-read that?
So enough of that goofiness; I went to the dr yesterday and I got my A1C measured. 7.2? Is that the story I told yesterday? I think so, it sounds right. So yeah at my worst my A1C was approximately 15. To give you a sense of that that means; 7% means that my blood glucose (sugar) is averaging 170. My goal is to stay around 5.5-6% which would equate to 120-135. When my A1C was hovering that high it meant my glucose was off the charts entirely. I would occasionally check at home and when I saw numbers in the 4-500's I would just stop looking. Why stress about it if it is just killing me anyway! So there we go. I am now somewhere in the manageable range. Very grown up and responsible of me! After a brief exchange with the receptionist at the office before I departed I made the mental decision that it was time to do something to reign in the crazy. I didn't kick any cars or belt out any curse words at anyone but boy did I want to. Instead I got to the office and called my primary care, and what do you know he can see me today! Well shoot I don't need a clearer sign that I need to see him! When I got in that afternoon they asked what I was there for and I explained that I have gone to bonkers and kept on going. I expressed my concerns about going back on antidepressants because they will strip me of my libido and I've worked pretty damn hard in therapy with Mike to take a giant leap back. He had me answer a pretty direct questionnaire. I was like geez doc I hope this stays between you and me! I drew lines between different mental disorders and diseases such as alcoholism and drug abuse and my relatives. I had too many lines to feel comfortable about the outcome of the visit haha.
So in comes my darling doctor who I haven't seen in a few months. Which really is rare for us; when we started seeing each other it was like a by monthly kind of thing now we go months between visits. Good for both of us, bad for his wallet? I don't know but I was so thrilled to show him my A1C results and I was delighted by his reaction. It was such a satisfaction to have made his day like that. He said there was a point where he never ever expected to see anything that low. He figured we'd cut and run and just let it go by the wayside. Considering that was the path we were on about 2 years ago he wasn't far from the truth. But he has made a serious impact in our lives. I trust this man with my life. It doesn't hurt that he's the chief of medicine at one of the hospitals here. So he starts asking questions, looking over my answers and listening attentively.
We discussed the resons why I went off of the Lexapro and here is what it trully boiled down to. It was the same reason I would give up on my other meds. From Lexapro to Celexa, Zoloft, Wellbutrin and rounding them back up with Lexapro they all stopped working. I would go a few months feeling fine, feeling fixed then slowly I would start feeling anxious, sleeping poorly, getting depressed. Asking Mike what the hell is the matter with me? Why am I so broken? We discussed my family history (Yes I am looking at you sister and the other one too!) and all that fun stuff. As I talked I was getting more and more anxious I felt a serious surge of adrenaline, my teeth were chattering and I was shivering. When I was done he took a deep breath and started talking.
The long and the short of it is that I have been officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Gee I sure do take a while to spit things out don’t I? I’ll be honest I was stunned at first but it just makes sense. I always imagined that someone who suffered from this would be manic in that they go from being extremely happy to a river of tears in moments or for no reason. In fact the incredible rush of adrenaline I was feeling when I was talking to him was a slight manic episode. I couldn’t talk fast enough and then trying to listen I was just shivering and my teeth chattered like I was sitting out in a bath of ice. He explained that he recently sat in on a conference with some of the leading experts in the field and they discussed the exact experience that I’ve had with antidepressants. Some physicians put their patients on one drug after another, when the effect of one starts diminishing they begin the next. There is a sort of carry over high between drugs that prolongs the stability and keeps episodes to a minimum. Had we ever really sat down to discuss my progress on the Lexapro we would have come to this conclusion earlier.
It was really an eye opening conversation. It felt like all of the pieces in my puzzle finally fit together. The outbursts, the incredibly violent thoughts and the waves of sadness; all were the result of my scrambled brains. He suggested a few medications that he typically gives patients in my boat. Clearly, like with all medications there are side effects and things that should be considered. With the last of the 3 there is a risk of a potentially life threatening skin condition. It sounds like a rash that can attack your organs. That sounded like a no brainer! There is another and why I can’t remember the names of these is totally beyond me, anyway. The most concerning effect of this medication is the risk of kidney damage. It isn’t sealing your fate, destining you to a life strapped to a dialysis machine by any means just something you would want to be aware of. The third; the most tried and true would be lithium. It is also not without it’s concerning effects. There is a potential thyroid issue which can easily be cared for with the addition of a low dose of thyroid medication.
My head has been swimming all day. I tend to delve into all of this and keep clicking links until I am so completely overwhelmed that I just want to run. My gut is telling me to start with the lithium. I’ve had my share of thyroid problems in the past and I’m no stranger to the medication synthroid. Really the diabetes can eat away at my kidness, heart, liver, stomach or whatever else it wants whether or not I’m dumping prescriptions into my system. It’s a trade off and I think a worthwhile risk if it will help me lead a healthy life. No I am not considering any vitamins, St Johsworth, holistic anything etc. I just don’t believe that it will help. I do strongly agree with my doctor that a healthy diet and exercise will only help improve my overall health. I haven’t been living under a rock; I’m just fat and sassy. And apparently really goddamn crazy.
Monday
I've got the whole world in my... fanny pack
Today I feel like I need a fanny pack. Stop judging me for a second and keep reading, you may then continue judging me or walk away slowly as to not be noticed hence avoiding the wrath.
I need a big fanny pack where I can stuff a bunch of people who I've shrunken down to size so I can then zip that little sucker shut and commence slamming said fanny pack into a wall.
I'll bet that didn't go where you thought it was, did it? I'm very very irritable today. I feel like I am perpetually premenstrual. On a very imagined ledge whose edge I feel like I'm being pushed up against only to be pulled back just before I fall.
I am seeing my doctor tomorrow, sadly for us all he isn't the one to dispense the drugs I need. I have good hopes that tomorrow he will tell me my A1C has come down to an even more acceptable number which will put me in a great mood! After all, I have been dedicating 4 days a week to the gym and eating healthier and taking my meds. So if I should go in tomorrow and be told the opposite is happening, then I just don't quite know if I'll be able to drag myself into the office. I fear I might kick a dent into my car door and set off a few car alarms while kicking the shit out of other peoples cars. Then I will likely call my primary care physician (from jail perhaps?) and tell him I made a big mistake and I need to live the rest of my days out in a medicated haze. I am desperately trying to keep from going back on anti depressants. I love pharmaceuticals, I love them all! But I don't love fighting with Mike because it has been 4 months since I fained enough interest in our marriage to put out.
That sounded pretty awful didn't it. I should make myself a bit clearer. I do love Mike very much and I am interested in my marriage, however, when I am under the effects of Lexapro, Zoloft, Celexa, or Wellbutrin I am generally a pleasant person be around. That doesn't translate the same in the bedroom. I quote for you from one of the funniest and most honest books I've read in some time. "A bottle of Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, or Effexor. Maybe some Lexapro. All of those will make you forget about sex. They're chemical castrators, believe me. The best side effect is you'll not only be frigid, you'll be the happiest frigid woman alive." I couldn't have said it better myself. I should add, however, this advise was given to a woman in the south who was struggling with keeping it in her pants. She wanted to wait until marriage and was struggling with her urges. Basically that's what I'm going through, the castration that is. It sucks. It sucks for him and it sucks doubly for me cause I have that good ol Catholic guilt. When I say no I feel like I've punched a puppy in the gut. I almost inserted baby in place of puppy but come on I dream of slapping babies around from time to time so you all would be judging saying I enjoy making him sad! You judging judgers!!! So I go off the meds, Mike gets lucky and occasionally frightened because I'm screaming obscenities and throwing things against the floor (my purse got it the other day). He tried telling me I was going to break something, but all I had in my purse was my glucometer which is housed in a cushy pouch.
Good gracious, I really don't know how I continue looking some of you in the face. Some days I wonder what people are thinking when they read the sludge that comes out of my brain. Other days I pretend that none of you actually read it, that's how I can continue to show my face around the office. Mike married me crazy and all so he isn't allowed to complain or judge the crazy. He is only allowed to observe quietly or walk out of the room and let the crazy subside.
I need a big fanny pack where I can stuff a bunch of people who I've shrunken down to size so I can then zip that little sucker shut and commence slamming said fanny pack into a wall.
I'll bet that didn't go where you thought it was, did it? I'm very very irritable today. I feel like I am perpetually premenstrual. On a very imagined ledge whose edge I feel like I'm being pushed up against only to be pulled back just before I fall.
I am seeing my doctor tomorrow, sadly for us all he isn't the one to dispense the drugs I need. I have good hopes that tomorrow he will tell me my A1C has come down to an even more acceptable number which will put me in a great mood! After all, I have been dedicating 4 days a week to the gym and eating healthier and taking my meds. So if I should go in tomorrow and be told the opposite is happening, then I just don't quite know if I'll be able to drag myself into the office. I fear I might kick a dent into my car door and set off a few car alarms while kicking the shit out of other peoples cars. Then I will likely call my primary care physician (from jail perhaps?) and tell him I made a big mistake and I need to live the rest of my days out in a medicated haze. I am desperately trying to keep from going back on anti depressants. I love pharmaceuticals, I love them all! But I don't love fighting with Mike because it has been 4 months since I fained enough interest in our marriage to put out.
That sounded pretty awful didn't it. I should make myself a bit clearer. I do love Mike very much and I am interested in my marriage, however, when I am under the effects of Lexapro, Zoloft, Celexa, or Wellbutrin I am generally a pleasant person be around. That doesn't translate the same in the bedroom. I quote for you from one of the funniest and most honest books I've read in some time. "A bottle of Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, or Effexor. Maybe some Lexapro. All of those will make you forget about sex. They're chemical castrators, believe me. The best side effect is you'll not only be frigid, you'll be the happiest frigid woman alive." I couldn't have said it better myself. I should add, however, this advise was given to a woman in the south who was struggling with keeping it in her pants. She wanted to wait until marriage and was struggling with her urges. Basically that's what I'm going through, the castration that is. It sucks. It sucks for him and it sucks doubly for me cause I have that good ol Catholic guilt. When I say no I feel like I've punched a puppy in the gut. I almost inserted baby in place of puppy but come on I dream of slapping babies around from time to time so you all would be judging saying I enjoy making him sad! You judging judgers!!! So I go off the meds, Mike gets lucky and occasionally frightened because I'm screaming obscenities and throwing things against the floor (my purse got it the other day). He tried telling me I was going to break something, but all I had in my purse was my glucometer which is housed in a cushy pouch.
Good gracious, I really don't know how I continue looking some of you in the face. Some days I wonder what people are thinking when they read the sludge that comes out of my brain. Other days I pretend that none of you actually read it, that's how I can continue to show my face around the office. Mike married me crazy and all so he isn't allowed to complain or judge the crazy. He is only allowed to observe quietly or walk out of the room and let the crazy subside.
Sunday
I have a dream
That one day fat little boys and girls (and big boys and girls) will not be judged by the size of their waistbands but by the color of their shoes.
That one day my boobs will stick out further than my gut and that my ass will no longer be subjected to the terrible genetics my parents bestowed onto me.
I have a dream that one day I will be able to look at an entire cheesecake and walk away without having gained a few pounds simply from looking into its delicious creamy being.
I have a dream that one day my insulin pump will stop beeping and reading "MAX BOLUS EXCEEDED!!" because I have learned to have a healthier relationship with rice and all carbs alike.
I have a dream....
That one day my boobs will stick out further than my gut and that my ass will no longer be subjected to the terrible genetics my parents bestowed onto me.
I have a dream that one day I will be able to look at an entire cheesecake and walk away without having gained a few pounds simply from looking into its delicious creamy being.
I have a dream that one day my insulin pump will stop beeping and reading "MAX BOLUS EXCEEDED!!" because I have learned to have a healthier relationship with rice and all carbs alike.
I have a dream....
Oh crap it's Sunday
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| Breakfast is served |
You know what I should be doing instead of sitting here thinking of all these meals I'm not going to eat, is slapping on some sweats and gym shoes and getting it over with. Yesterday was legs day but I conveniently fell asleep for a little while and skipped the whole damn thing. The back of my thighs has been aching since last gym trip. I don't know why since I was working on my back not my legs. Leave it to me to injure myself doing something completely unrelated.
I decided to take my measurements. The scale and I are taking a hiatus from each other. Well I from it, because I don't want to buy a new one which will need to happen when I body slam it for telling the truth. After discovering that my batwings are all but gone I realized I need something to show me that what I'm doing is working. The scale isn't doing it, and my jeans... well I wear those throughout a 30lb range so they are no good judge of size either. Mike keeps giving me the same bullshit line "we don't have starting measurements though!" Well asshole if we took any then those would be the starting measurements. Just sayin.
Friday
Days of our lives
I was feeling a little lonesome at work. G is off and my phone isn't ringing as it does every other day of my life. I started reading some of the blogs of note on this site and I found something interesting. I DON'T GIVE A FLYING RATS ASS what other people are writing about and frankly I was bored by what I did read. Some people have thousands of followers. Really? The mindless dribble they come up with is THAT amusing? I sure didn't think so. I suppose to each his own right? Wouldn't it be stressful to try and write something meaningful for all of those people? Whatever, moving on I have plenty of bitching to do so we'll just get right down to it!
1. Gold's Gym makes me homicidal. Oz says it's cause we're
I had more to groan about. Probably Mike, probably... Definitely. He makes very definite statements. Very factual statements which generally are not correct. An example so that you may better understand. We were driving to the gym earlier this week and there is a Jamba Juice a few doors down. This week they put up a sign that says "free samples". I said to Mike Hey look they have free samples today! He responds with "they ALWAYS have free samples." I came back with a hearty "they don't ALWAYS have free samples!" To which he responded "yes they do." I finally exploded with a NO MIKE THEY DO NOT ALWAYS SERVE FREE SAMPLES!! I HAVE BEEN THERE WHEN THERE WERE NOOOO FREE SAMPLES! Yep... it wasn't supposed to be a big deal but I am super crazy and he feeds into it. Last night we started talking about our friend Dave. He's a cool funny dude from Illinois; he had moved out here a while ago and then moved back about a year ago. We knew him when he was single and he's now married and looking to come back to Eugene. I was so excited when I heard that, he and I got along like gangbusters! He's in town visiting and we had dinner with them last night. His wife seems like a good fit in our dysfunctional family. Davis also Mormon and owns a pair of magic pants. We saw them when he was working out once lol. Mike and I are very curious about the Mormon religion; well more about their rituals like the magic pants. We watch Big Love and I watch Sister wives… we’re nutty ourselves and nutty people interest us! So last night as we drove home from dinner Mike brought it up. I tried telling him that they probably don’t use magic pants when they’re getting busy. Oh my gee why are we discussing our friends sex life anyway?! But whatever, we got into a pretty heated discussion about his magic pant situation. Frankly I was about ready to reach for my phone and call Dave but thought twice of cause it might really offend his wife. If I knew Dave didn’t use his Bluetooth speaker phone feature in the car I would have totally gone for it cause it would only be him I’d be having the discussion with not his wife. We finally settled on we don’t know but we’d both like to know. Ha… these are the days of our lives…
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| My "I mean business" look |
1. Gold's Gym makes me homicidal. Oz says it's cause we're
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| Reverse Fly |
going there at 6pm. Well gee when do you want me to go then 10pm? It is crowded all the time. Except on the weekends when they're all off stuffing cake in their faces and washing it down with booze and nobody goes to the gym cause who's gonna be there to look at them? The equipment leaves A LOT to be desired. On a good day 3-5 of the cardio machines have "Sorry for the inconvenience this machine is currently out of service" tags. That's on a good day my friends! The benches in the weight area all but went missing. I don't know what on earth they're doing around there! At one point there was about 6-8 benches but we showed up from one day to the next and there were like 4 of them. The others were still there but were missing the bench. It was just the metal frame. I remember when we were at the DAC once and I was swinging my weights around (properly) I nearly hit Mike. Oz said that day don't apologize! If he gets in your way while you're working out and gets hit that's his fault! Yesterday I was seconds from a rampage. People were constantly in my space and I had to move to accommodate others. At one point, Mike and I were using one of the remaining benches to do our work out and this asshole was just standing there staring at us. Finally he interrupts and says are you using this? No genius we're not we're just using it as a spacer between us. What the fuck kind of retarded question is that? We clearly were in the middle of a set. So he walks off only to return a few moments later and ask us to use another bench. Uh... you can't use that bench because...? I wanted to throw the fucking bench at his head. Man some days I feel like I'm on steroids you know how meat heads get all super angry? Anyway I got over that eventually. I had to stop for a moment and take a few deep breaths. I told Mike I wasn't angry at him but I wanted to go punch that asshole and that I hate Golds. A few exercises later we went back to free weights for one of my least favorite exercises; the Reverse Fly. We use lighter weights for this than other pain inducing moves and it works muscles I didn't realize my body had. So I was using a 7.5lb weight and Mike was using a 10lb weight. After my first set I look up and see that SAME ASSHOLE! Staring at my weights. No jackass I am not giving you my weights!! He didn't ask, but I noticed he found an 8lb set. That would have done it for me. I would have happily dropped the dumbbells on his feet hoping to crush a few bones.
Man I'll tell ya, I started getting angry all over again just writing that. I get distracted while I'm writing. Just so you know. I'll wander the internet’s and come back to the tab here and write a few more pieces of mindless dribble before wandering off. So yeah I got distracted and for some reason the need to pee hit me so suddenly that I thought man these people probably don't want to hear about that. Then I remembered I was mid blog. I had more to groan about. Probably Mike, probably... Definitely. He makes very definite statements. Very factual statements which generally are not correct. An example so that you may better understand. We were driving to the gym earlier this week and there is a Jamba Juice a few doors down. This week they put up a sign that says "free samples". I said to Mike Hey look they have free samples today! He responds with "they ALWAYS have free samples." I came back with a hearty "they don't ALWAYS have free samples!" To which he responded "yes they do." I finally exploded with a NO MIKE THEY DO NOT ALWAYS SERVE FREE SAMPLES!! I HAVE BEEN THERE WHEN THERE WERE NOOOO FREE SAMPLES! Yep... it wasn't supposed to be a big deal but I am super crazy and he feeds into it. Last night we started talking about our friend Dave. He's a cool funny dude from Illinois; he had moved out here a while ago and then moved back about a year ago. We knew him when he was single and he's now married and looking to come back to Eugene. I was so excited when I heard that, he and I got along like gangbusters! He's in town visiting and we had dinner with them last night. His wife seems like a good fit in our dysfunctional family. Davis also Mormon and owns a pair of magic pants. We saw them when he was working out once lol. Mike and I are very curious about the Mormon religion; well more about their rituals like the magic pants. We watch Big Love and I watch Sister wives… we’re nutty ourselves and nutty people interest us! So last night as we drove home from dinner Mike brought it up. I tried telling him that they probably don’t use magic pants when they’re getting busy. Oh my gee why are we discussing our friends sex life anyway?! But whatever, we got into a pretty heated discussion about his magic pant situation. Frankly I was about ready to reach for my phone and call Dave but thought twice of cause it might really offend his wife. If I knew Dave didn’t use his Bluetooth speaker phone feature in the car I would have totally gone for it cause it would only be him I’d be having the discussion with not his wife. We finally settled on we don’t know but we’d both like to know. Ha… these are the days of our lives…
Thursday
Monkey on my wrist
Dear Blog,
Did I tell you about the most humiliating moment I've had in the last few weeks? Possibly... Good thing you don't talk back cause I might repeat myself a lot and I don't need any lip from you. Earlier this week I was going about my business lamenting on my poop-less situation. You know the one; I've told you plenty about it. So I was emailing back and forth with Kisha, it's just what I do sometimes. But in the course of business I got an email from a lovely gal at one of the county offices. I didn't notice but I had hit reply on the wrong string of emails. Before I know it I had sent something along the lines of: "Mike thinks I should be more concerned by the constant runs than by the lack of poop. I say poop is poop and having none is worrisome." That's right ladies and gents! I sent that lovely message to an unsuspecting county employee. I followed that up with a sincere apology then jumped into hyper overdrive trying to remember how to recall a message. I think I was successful. I hope I was anyway. She and I talk often on the phone so when she called the next morning I tried to act casual. I had lost some of my ferocious embarrassment and I think the insane laughter that ensued between G and I at our desks made me feel a little less like a moron. Email... such a powerful tool. It can change the world. Or the way the world looks at you.
So today I jumped off the bandwagon. I know you thought it was only a matter of time, stop judging me blog! Oh wait maybe that's just my subconscious I'm speaking to. Either way you should shut your talking hole. I went to McDonnald's and I'm not proud of it. You know it didn't even provide the satisfaction I was after. Only lingering desire for a chocolate sundae and a serious case of eaters remorse. Oh don't you fret, I surely paid for it. My blood sugar spiked up to about 210, which really isn't as bad as I've seen it do in the past. Nonetheless it makes me feel like I should be curled up in a corner sucking on my thumb nursing my fat overdose. I just had a monkey on my back when lunch rolled around. It could have ended up a lot worse... Maybe it was the monkey lump on my wrist.
Did I tell you about the most humiliating moment I've had in the last few weeks? Possibly... Good thing you don't talk back cause I might repeat myself a lot and I don't need any lip from you. Earlier this week I was going about my business lamenting on my poop-less situation. You know the one; I've told you plenty about it. So I was emailing back and forth with Kisha, it's just what I do sometimes. But in the course of business I got an email from a lovely gal at one of the county offices. I didn't notice but I had hit reply on the wrong string of emails. Before I know it I had sent something along the lines of: "Mike thinks I should be more concerned by the constant runs than by the lack of poop. I say poop is poop and having none is worrisome." That's right ladies and gents! I sent that lovely message to an unsuspecting county employee. I followed that up with a sincere apology then jumped into hyper overdrive trying to remember how to recall a message. I think I was successful. I hope I was anyway. She and I talk often on the phone so when she called the next morning I tried to act casual. I had lost some of my ferocious embarrassment and I think the insane laughter that ensued between G and I at our desks made me feel a little less like a moron. Email... such a powerful tool. It can change the world. Or the way the world looks at you.
So today I jumped off the bandwagon. I know you thought it was only a matter of time, stop judging me blog! Oh wait maybe that's just my subconscious I'm speaking to. Either way you should shut your talking hole. I went to McDonnald's and I'm not proud of it. You know it didn't even provide the satisfaction I was after. Only lingering desire for a chocolate sundae and a serious case of eaters remorse. Oh don't you fret, I surely paid for it. My blood sugar spiked up to about 210, which really isn't as bad as I've seen it do in the past. Nonetheless it makes me feel like I should be curled up in a corner sucking on my thumb nursing my fat overdose. I just had a monkey on my back when lunch rolled around. It could have ended up a lot worse... Maybe it was the monkey lump on my wrist.
Wednesday
Day __ (Do you know?)
I've completely lost track of where we are on this damn challenge. My stomach has finally seized the hurting. I'm not as regular as is normal for me, yet. But I think we're on the right track. Mike says he's lost weight so far. But we both yo-yo. We might be heavier in the mornings than before bed. I guess it just depends on how much he poops. I'm sitting at a steady 230. Fuck this. I'm frustrated but I keep reminding myself it won't happen over night but we're doing things the right way and hopefully will mean sustainable weight loss. Mike is close to his 10lb loss mark. I'm really happy for him, really I am! It is really easy to focus on the negative and boy do I dwell on it. But last night we worked on our chest and I realized I have really made noticeable progress! I was doing incline bench presses? I don't remember what it was, that's not the point anyway. When we first started I was struggling to finish my third set with a 5lb dumbell. I was stoaked when I was using a 7.5lb dumbell! Yesterday I started with that 7.5 and thought I should do the 10lb instead so I did a set with the 10lb but I still felt like I could push myself a little further. Mike was doing 12.5 and I asked him if he wanted to try 15. Oz told him to do 20 and he did. I looked over and cautiously asked if I should try 15 and he said yes. So I did and I didn't crush myself! Look at that 10lb difference from day 1! That is measurable success.
Last night we went to dinner at El Torito only to find that they list the calories on their new menus. Damn that is bad for business! It was sobering to see that. Even the salads were scary but obviously were the least scary thing on the menu. I had a caesar salad with shrimp, Mike had a taco salad with chicken. We also chomped through 3 baskets of tortilla chips, so don't be quick to congratulate me! Anyway back to this calories thing. Why?! That is just cruel. I went there intending to eat a salad anyway but it was frightening nonetheless. If all restaurants head in this direction I'm really gonna be eating at home for the rest of my life. I know I know I know I should be doing that anyway but lets get real! Monday we had rotisserie chicken with mashed potatoes and asparagus. Tuesday, well that was yesterday see above. Tonight I made chicken enchiladas. And don't worry they weren't baked with oodles of cheese on top and inside. I made real enchiladas the way my mommy made them. I dipped them in the sauce and heated them in a saute pan slapped some chicken and a bit of crumbled cojita cheese inside then rolled them. They were topped with lettuce, green onion, cilantro a sprinkle of shredded cheese and a dollop of sour cream. Mike's reaction? "Why the hell haven't you made these before?!" Ahhh that felt good! So that's that for today. Sorry for the dull entries folks being so backed up has left me pretty uninspired. It can only go up from here!
Last night we went to dinner at El Torito only to find that they list the calories on their new menus. Damn that is bad for business! It was sobering to see that. Even the salads were scary but obviously were the least scary thing on the menu. I had a caesar salad with shrimp, Mike had a taco salad with chicken. We also chomped through 3 baskets of tortilla chips, so don't be quick to congratulate me! Anyway back to this calories thing. Why?! That is just cruel. I went there intending to eat a salad anyway but it was frightening nonetheless. If all restaurants head in this direction I'm really gonna be eating at home for the rest of my life. I know I know I know I should be doing that anyway but lets get real! Monday we had rotisserie chicken with mashed potatoes and asparagus. Tuesday, well that was yesterday see above. Tonight I made chicken enchiladas. And don't worry they weren't baked with oodles of cheese on top and inside. I made real enchiladas the way my mommy made them. I dipped them in the sauce and heated them in a saute pan slapped some chicken and a bit of crumbled cojita cheese inside then rolled them. They were topped with lettuce, green onion, cilantro a sprinkle of shredded cheese and a dollop of sour cream. Mike's reaction? "Why the hell haven't you made these before?!" Ahhh that felt good! So that's that for today. Sorry for the dull entries folks being so backed up has left me pretty uninspired. It can only go up from here!
Monday
Day eleventeenth
It's too late (or early) right now to actually remember what day I'm on. Somewhere between 11 and 13. I think we might be on 12... Hmm... Guess I'll have to check with Mike. I feel like an explorer in the 14th century... except I'm exploring food and not a new world. Do I have the right century by the way? Well you know what I mean, at least I sure hope so! Moving on moving on.. A status report. Still feel like I'm not eating often enough, weekends are just difficult. I don't sit around all day at a desk. I have to make sure to clarify that I mean at a desk, cause I sure do sit around a lot on the weekends! Nevertheless, I just don't think about eating all that much these days. I suppose that means something is going right. We started the meal replacement shake phase of this challenge and I have to be honest it isn't awful! I blended it with a banana and a slap of peanut butter and a few ice cubes, not bad at all! There are tons of vitamins we're taking, I'm not kidding when I say a ton. We take like 3-4 tablets 30 minutes before breakfast, then another 3-4 with breakfast followed by the same regimen before and during lunch. I thought that maybe I was just filling up on horse pills, however, Mike and I have come to the conclusion that some of those tablets must be hunger suppressants. I don't see anything wrong with that, as a matter of fact this is the first time I have ever realized I'm not hungry and therefore will not continue eating. Saturday night we were grilling at Armando's house. Mike and I went to the gym first; we did legs which nearly caused us both to faint and continues to punish us as we attempt to do stuff like WALK or STAND. Anyway after the gym we went down to the grocery store to find something to throw on the grill. I'll tell you for the last few years neither of us would blink twice at eating an entire 1lb steak. That's 16oz guys. You know when you go out and debate on getting the 9oz or the 12oz and then can't really finish the 9oz? Ok sometimes that doesn't happen to me but more often than not it does. Well why is it then that I can slap a 16oz slab of cow on a grill at home and wonder if there's anything else I can eat while I'm at it?! So we were looking around and I saw some new york strips which were smaller than what I would generally pick, the one I took home was .7lb which according to the internet is equal to about that 12 oz I would eat at a steak house. I thought ok that is still at least a serving size smaller than what I would generally eat. I mean if you consider a serving size 3-4 oz which I think is the acceptable amount I should be eating. Anyway! Gawd I can't keep myself on topic. So we got smaller cuts and a bunch of veggies like mushrooms, onion, bell pepper and tomatoes. Once it was all said and done I had my steak, 1cup of cooked rice and a veggie kabob. I am still working on this stop eating when you're full thing but really when I hit what could probably be the 8oz mark I was pretty stinken full. I told Mike on the way home that I need to start looking at it like it's not my last meal. I eat like I'm never going to eat meat again. Really I probably will in a few days. I eat too much red meat so I need to learn that it is ok to throw away a small portion of it if I really insist on buying the large piece. But the fact that I was full and I recognized that, it was definitely something that caught my attention. I was proud of myself in that moment, of course I continued on because what else are you to do when you have a whole big chunk of meat on your plate?
This morning we didn't plan on eating out but Henry was in town and the nerds were convening for breakfast before a movie. Mike and I are working on leaving food behind on our plates. Mike obviously is doing much better than me, but this morning wasn't too bad. I ordered a scramble with sausage and spinach and had the homefries instead of pancakes. I ate about half of the potatoes and maybe a 1/4 to 1/3 of the eggs. It was far too much food for me. By the time mike suggested lunch, about 4 hrs had gone by and I really wasn't interested. My stomach hasn't been very happy with me all day. I'll have you know I pooped once today but I just had an ache all day. For lunch we had like 4 small ribs each. We had bought this precooked thing of ribs they weren't very big. Served with a side salad and that was that. Mike went out to a movie tonight and I stayed behind. Got a little peckish so I had some popcorn and some nuts. When Mike got back we decided to go out and get something. Ended up at Shari's where we both just stared at the menu. Nothing was calling out to me. Seriously, my default grilled cheese sounded terrible. I didn't want anything fried or cheese covered or ranch slathered. Quick someone get my temperature I must be sick! We both ordered Caesar salads, Mike with Salmon mine with chicken. Gawd it was horrid! The lettuce looked disgusting, it was wilted and soggy and black in some spots. Come the frick on people, I've pulled less gross looking lettuce out of my fridge when I'm tossing stuff out! Mike thought maybe the chicken had wilted it until I informed him that the chicken was cold. So much for that theory! We're not people that complain at restaurants we take the shitty service and go home. Tonight I had to speak up. I told the manager it was disgusting and asked her if they generally mix the lettuce with the dressing and let it sit. She said they do. Um... yeah that isn't a good idea dumb ass. Just saying. So they took one salad off the check and I left a $1 tip. I would have felt bad except the server had dropped off our food and never came back. We were there for about 45 min waiting for anyone to come by. I was just too sore to get up and crack some skulls. Moral of the story being that I owe Oz an apology. Whatever he's been doing to us is working if nothing else we are making smarter choices. Whether or not we like it is beyond the point we're not bucking against it we've kind of resigned ourselves to this way of eating. I really don't feel deprived, but I get frustrated because nothing sounds good and the things that used to now make me feel guilty just at the thought.
This morning we didn't plan on eating out but Henry was in town and the nerds were convening for breakfast before a movie. Mike and I are working on leaving food behind on our plates. Mike obviously is doing much better than me, but this morning wasn't too bad. I ordered a scramble with sausage and spinach and had the homefries instead of pancakes. I ate about half of the potatoes and maybe a 1/4 to 1/3 of the eggs. It was far too much food for me. By the time mike suggested lunch, about 4 hrs had gone by and I really wasn't interested. My stomach hasn't been very happy with me all day. I'll have you know I pooped once today but I just had an ache all day. For lunch we had like 4 small ribs each. We had bought this precooked thing of ribs they weren't very big. Served with a side salad and that was that. Mike went out to a movie tonight and I stayed behind. Got a little peckish so I had some popcorn and some nuts. When Mike got back we decided to go out and get something. Ended up at Shari's where we both just stared at the menu. Nothing was calling out to me. Seriously, my default grilled cheese sounded terrible. I didn't want anything fried or cheese covered or ranch slathered. Quick someone get my temperature I must be sick! We both ordered Caesar salads, Mike with Salmon mine with chicken. Gawd it was horrid! The lettuce looked disgusting, it was wilted and soggy and black in some spots. Come the frick on people, I've pulled less gross looking lettuce out of my fridge when I'm tossing stuff out! Mike thought maybe the chicken had wilted it until I informed him that the chicken was cold. So much for that theory! We're not people that complain at restaurants we take the shitty service and go home. Tonight I had to speak up. I told the manager it was disgusting and asked her if they generally mix the lettuce with the dressing and let it sit. She said they do. Um... yeah that isn't a good idea dumb ass. Just saying. So they took one salad off the check and I left a $1 tip. I would have felt bad except the server had dropped off our food and never came back. We were there for about 45 min waiting for anyone to come by. I was just too sore to get up and crack some skulls. Moral of the story being that I owe Oz an apology. Whatever he's been doing to us is working if nothing else we are making smarter choices. Whether or not we like it is beyond the point we're not bucking against it we've kind of resigned ourselves to this way of eating. I really don't feel deprived, but I get frustrated because nothing sounds good and the things that used to now make me feel guilty just at the thought.
Friday
The things one learns
I was going through my hotmail email account. I don't bother with it too often. Today I remembered why. Did you know that you can deepen your relationship with the Catholic church while learning how to have amazing orgasms?! I didn't either! I wonder if the deeper part in that statement refers to ahhhem...
So enough of that nonsense. We're at day 10 friends! Mike thinks I can't drink yet because I skipped a day of probiotic restore pills. I say he can suck my probiotics. I've had a week that calls for a round of Margaritas! So what comes after day 10 anyway? Apparently meal replacement shakes. Um... I'm not quite sure how that will work out. I told Mike that I will be extremely pissed off if at the end of this I'm heavier than when I started. Considering I'm 10 days in and 1.5 lb heavier it is definitely not setting my hopes too high. I keep trying to tell myself that in actuality I am building muscle. Whether or not that is a complete fabrication I'm going to continue with that idea. It makes me feel like less of a moron for letting mike buy into this. I'm sure it works for someone. Somewhere... but not me. Or as mike says the results are yet to be seen. One thing I've learned is that I don't like diets because they make me angry. They make me start hating the foods that I already love. When I'm told that I should eat salads and veggies and fruits and lean protein it makes me want to fry all of these! I know this isn't forever, we're doing this along side the weight watchers plan. Overall I know I have been making smarter choices and I commend myself for that. The urges to fry all of my food come and go and honestly I think they will always be there. I read in TIME this morning that you can't depend on willpower to help you lose weight. Willpower won't get you very far. Isn't that the truth. So if you can't depend on your own willpower who can you depend on? I think a nice dentist who will wire your jaw closed. Permanently.
So enough of that nonsense. We're at day 10 friends! Mike thinks I can't drink yet because I skipped a day of probiotic restore pills. I say he can suck my probiotics. I've had a week that calls for a round of Margaritas! So what comes after day 10 anyway? Apparently meal replacement shakes. Um... I'm not quite sure how that will work out. I told Mike that I will be extremely pissed off if at the end of this I'm heavier than when I started. Considering I'm 10 days in and 1.5 lb heavier it is definitely not setting my hopes too high. I keep trying to tell myself that in actuality I am building muscle. Whether or not that is a complete fabrication I'm going to continue with that idea. It makes me feel like less of a moron for letting mike buy into this. I'm sure it works for someone. Somewhere... but not me. Or as mike says the results are yet to be seen. One thing I've learned is that I don't like diets because they make me angry. They make me start hating the foods that I already love. When I'm told that I should eat salads and veggies and fruits and lean protein it makes me want to fry all of these! I know this isn't forever, we're doing this along side the weight watchers plan. Overall I know I have been making smarter choices and I commend myself for that. The urges to fry all of my food come and go and honestly I think they will always be there. I read in TIME this morning that you can't depend on willpower to help you lose weight. Willpower won't get you very far. Isn't that the truth. So if you can't depend on your own willpower who can you depend on? I think a nice dentist who will wire your jaw closed. Permanently.
Thursday
Zu is short for ZuZu-Cachoo
I would have posted something tomorrow if I hadn't been so incredibly tired! It has been one crazy week. Monday was cardio night, I can't remember what I ate all day. I'm sure I might have written about it earlier this week. Wow I can't believe I can't remember the rest of the days this week! I take that back I thought today was Friday so I lost a few days for a moment. So back to the run down of the week.. Tuesday I took the day off cause I was in a terrible mood. Customers probably did me wrong, can't really remember. Wednesday was fricken insane! Insane might not even begin to explain it! I started my morning at 8am in the office. The boss and I went over to the fairgrounds where we checked in and began helping set up for the project homeless connect. Setting up tables, moving chairs, more tables and chairs. We moved poles, we put curtains on poles, took down some poles, there was so much back and forth walking on the hard concrete. My knees ached by the time I left that building.
We left there at 12, ran over to our operations center and picked up donations then back to our office. By the time I got back It was almost 1pm and I hadn't had lunch. I hadn't had much at all actually I think an apple? My blood sugar plummeted to 65. I thought I was dying. I had to take a working lunch since apparently the gates of hell had burst open and we were insanely busy. So there I was trying to shovel food in my face between phone calls and customers at my window while trying not to faint from the lack of sugar in my blood stream.
When I say we were busy I mean it. I don't think in the 3 months I've been working in that department it has been that busy. All of our phone lines were ringing at the same time, there were people at my window asking for help, I had faxes coming through and I had people asking me to translate at their windows. I'm sorry guys but there is at least one other Mexican in the office, use them! If it's not a busy day and we have both of us there then absolutely I would love to help you but when it's just me, keep in mind I'm still learning and I'm not made of play-dough like Gumbi. I was up at someones desk translating and my headset was ringing. So there I was speaking Spanish to a customer and trying to answer a call in my headset. I think what frustrates me is that people don't hang up when the phone has rang 15+ times. It is truly unnerving to have a phone ring that long!
The plan was to leave the office at 4pm so we could go back to the fairgrounds to do our orientation. At 4pm I was still taking calls. I was annoyed by people who refused to finish the calls they started because why? I don't know. I just finished telling you there isn't anything more that I can tell that customer that you haven't already so why the hell are you transferring the call to me?! Ok enough of that. It was an insanely difficult day I guess it was time for me to hit the ground running. I left the office at 5 til 5 and went to orientation. By 6:30 I was just ready to die. Mike gave me the choice to go do cardio or not. Monday's and Wednesday's are cardio days. I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with the gym last night. NOTHING!!!! We made dinner, got some marinated chicken and grilled the hell out of it. We had chicken salads, grilled asparagus and fingerling potatoes. Good for us, right? An hour or so of anime later, I was in bed.
This morning I slowly dragged my ass out of bed and into clothes. At 8 I was back at the fairgrounds. We did some last minute orientation before the doors opened.
This was a great event and I don't think I've said enough about it, over my compulsive bitching and all. There are tons of services out in the community to help people that are homeless or at risk to become homeless. Being homeless isn't only considered sleeping on the streets, it's all those folks who are couch surfing. The problem with all the agencies is that they're all over the county. This under-served community of people are in crisis mode and it seems almost impossible to get to any of the appointments the agencies schedule for them when they're trying to get around town on buses. What this event has done is brought together all of the local agencies to one location. These folks had free access to doctors, dentists, chiropractors and vision exams. That was just the tip of the iceberg. There were folks there fixing bicycles, veterans services, housing assistance, mental health assistance, even the dmv was there! There was legal help, folks doing HIV testing and giveaways. Coats, socks, hats, gloves, clothing, backpacks, sleeping bags etc.
My role there was as a translator. Since there wasn't a high demand for Spanish speakers we were called upon to work as floor hosts. When a client got through intake we would take them to the first stop they were interested in. These were some of the nicest people I've come across in a long time. The volunteers were awesome too. A lot of them were people who work in the county. They weren't the ones heading up their departments table, they were like me some of the day to day folks and they were amazing. We all had our name tags and it was really fun to turn to someone and say "hey ____ can you help me with this?" Even the clients would call us by name. I was standing in line for lunch and the woman in front of me turned around and said hey Zu can you help me with this? A lot of folks were interested in my name. My name gets me a lot of attention, considering I don't like attention it is usually very uncomfortable. Everyone was so friendly today it wasn't uncomfortable. It was a great day. It was so rewarding. It really made me realize that I want to be more involved in the Hispanic community. I have so much damn time on my hands and yet so damn lazy. Zuzu-Cachoo should be synonymous with lazy little jumping bean. So I'm gonna ask you not hold me to it but I hope to be doing more volunteering in the future.
We left there at 12, ran over to our operations center and picked up donations then back to our office. By the time I got back It was almost 1pm and I hadn't had lunch. I hadn't had much at all actually I think an apple? My blood sugar plummeted to 65. I thought I was dying. I had to take a working lunch since apparently the gates of hell had burst open and we were insanely busy. So there I was trying to shovel food in my face between phone calls and customers at my window while trying not to faint from the lack of sugar in my blood stream.
When I say we were busy I mean it. I don't think in the 3 months I've been working in that department it has been that busy. All of our phone lines were ringing at the same time, there were people at my window asking for help, I had faxes coming through and I had people asking me to translate at their windows. I'm sorry guys but there is at least one other Mexican in the office, use them! If it's not a busy day and we have both of us there then absolutely I would love to help you but when it's just me, keep in mind I'm still learning and I'm not made of play-dough like Gumbi. I was up at someones desk translating and my headset was ringing. So there I was speaking Spanish to a customer and trying to answer a call in my headset. I think what frustrates me is that people don't hang up when the phone has rang 15+ times. It is truly unnerving to have a phone ring that long!
The plan was to leave the office at 4pm so we could go back to the fairgrounds to do our orientation. At 4pm I was still taking calls. I was annoyed by people who refused to finish the calls they started because why? I don't know. I just finished telling you there isn't anything more that I can tell that customer that you haven't already so why the hell are you transferring the call to me?! Ok enough of that. It was an insanely difficult day I guess it was time for me to hit the ground running. I left the office at 5 til 5 and went to orientation. By 6:30 I was just ready to die. Mike gave me the choice to go do cardio or not. Monday's and Wednesday's are cardio days. I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with the gym last night. NOTHING!!!! We made dinner, got some marinated chicken and grilled the hell out of it. We had chicken salads, grilled asparagus and fingerling potatoes. Good for us, right? An hour or so of anime later, I was in bed.
This morning I slowly dragged my ass out of bed and into clothes. At 8 I was back at the fairgrounds. We did some last minute orientation before the doors opened.
This was a great event and I don't think I've said enough about it, over my compulsive bitching and all. There are tons of services out in the community to help people that are homeless or at risk to become homeless. Being homeless isn't only considered sleeping on the streets, it's all those folks who are couch surfing. The problem with all the agencies is that they're all over the county. This under-served community of people are in crisis mode and it seems almost impossible to get to any of the appointments the agencies schedule for them when they're trying to get around town on buses. What this event has done is brought together all of the local agencies to one location. These folks had free access to doctors, dentists, chiropractors and vision exams. That was just the tip of the iceberg. There were folks there fixing bicycles, veterans services, housing assistance, mental health assistance, even the dmv was there! There was legal help, folks doing HIV testing and giveaways. Coats, socks, hats, gloves, clothing, backpacks, sleeping bags etc.
My role there was as a translator. Since there wasn't a high demand for Spanish speakers we were called upon to work as floor hosts. When a client got through intake we would take them to the first stop they were interested in. These were some of the nicest people I've come across in a long time. The volunteers were awesome too. A lot of them were people who work in the county. They weren't the ones heading up their departments table, they were like me some of the day to day folks and they were amazing. We all had our name tags and it was really fun to turn to someone and say "hey ____ can you help me with this?" Even the clients would call us by name. I was standing in line for lunch and the woman in front of me turned around and said hey Zu can you help me with this? A lot of folks were interested in my name. My name gets me a lot of attention, considering I don't like attention it is usually very uncomfortable. Everyone was so friendly today it wasn't uncomfortable. It was a great day. It was so rewarding. It really made me realize that I want to be more involved in the Hispanic community. I have so much damn time on my hands and yet so damn lazy. Zuzu-Cachoo should be synonymous with lazy little jumping bean. So I'm gonna ask you not hold me to it but I hope to be doing more volunteering in the future.
Tuesday
Return of the Monkey-lump!
I'm convinced the .4 lb I gained is housed solely in the monkey lump on my wrist. Mike and this stupid advocare 24 day challenge can go suck it. I don't feel any different and I haven't lost any weight. I take part of that statement back. I feel different. I feel cranky that I am not eating often enough and wondering if that is why I'm not loosing weight. I'm not a big snacker... especially on weekends. Mike and I can go upwards of 8 hours between meals which if you ask anyone with a sense of proper dietary needs would tell you we're idiots. I know were not supposed to do that but I just don't think about eating when I'm not strapped to my desk! When I'm at work all I can think about is food. I ate a bunch of trail mix, an apple, a hard boiled egg. I guess when I look at it spelled out it doesn't seem like that much food. Maybe I'll have egg #2. I also started the morning with a wonderful fiber drink. That stuff is simply vile, there is no way around it. I still can't poop. I'm lucky if I actually go once a day. I want to think I'm doing fairly well in terms of overall diet and I wish the scale or my pants agreed. I don't really know. Yesterday I had some trail mix in the morning, went to Mucho Gusto for lunch and had something called a mucho dippo? Who are these idiots? Anyway it was a bowl with rice, chicken, salsa, cabbage, lettuce, a bit of cheese and sour cream. Of course served with tortilla chips. I ate whatever trail mix I had left in the afternoon. For dinner we grilled some chicken breasts marinaded in something (doesn't "something" sound so delicious?). We sliced those puppies up and slapped them on some pita with home made taziki, shredded lettuce, tomato and cucumber. Not bad Zuzu, not bad at all.
I was at the gym last night trying to keep some momentum going. I desperately wanted to be home in bed not on some elliptical with a running stride (I don't know what that means either, it was labeled that way). My wrist kept having short bursts of pain run through it. Like a shock or a slight electrical current? I'm not quite sure. It was bothering me a lot that's for sure. Upon closer inspection I found that my monkey lump had returned. For those of you not familiar with said monkey lump; it is a ganglion cyst that first appeared around the end of last year. Medical treatment options include slamming it with a heavy book (yes, really), aspirating it with a giant needle or in severe cases surgery. Mike and I opted for a smaller needle. He took an insulin needle and poked around a few days later it was gone. I told Mike it was back, I can't remember what he said about it. My sister suggested we take a bible to it. I'm not sure why a bible...
I was at the gym last night trying to keep some momentum going. I desperately wanted to be home in bed not on some elliptical with a running stride (I don't know what that means either, it was labeled that way). My wrist kept having short bursts of pain run through it. Like a shock or a slight electrical current? I'm not quite sure. It was bothering me a lot that's for sure. Upon closer inspection I found that my monkey lump had returned. For those of you not familiar with said monkey lump; it is a ganglion cyst that first appeared around the end of last year. Medical treatment options include slamming it with a heavy book (yes, really), aspirating it with a giant needle or in severe cases surgery. Mike and I opted for a smaller needle. He took an insulin needle and poked around a few days later it was gone. I told Mike it was back, I can't remember what he said about it. My sister suggested we take a bible to it. I'm not sure why a bible...
Sunday
Advocare day 5
I haven't quit... yet... I've gotten a 3 day reprieve from those awful fiber drinks which makes this a little more bearable. There are so many horse tablets to swallow though! There are 4 gel tabs that I can take all at once or split up, 2 am 2 pm. Then theres this packet of herbal cleanse I take before bed that would be 3 giant pills that smell pretty bad and during these 3 days off the fiber drinks there are another 3 pills. These are regular people sized pills, probiotics I believe. I suppose the idea is really that all these pills are filling you up! We're supposed to be eating 5 small meals a day. We fail at that. Yesterday we had a banana for breakfast. We didn't leave the house until close to noon we went and had lunch and our next meal wasn't until about 8pm. No snacks, no munchies nothing. Oz is not gonna be happy with us! According to the scale I am up another pound since Tuesday. That's just irritating. I think the problem is that I'm so backed up! I used to be on a pretty consistent poop schedule. One would think with all the extra fiber I'd be spending hours of my day on the toilet, but I'm not. It's frustrating. Well it's day 5, 19 more to go, I'm not going to call this a complete failure until day 23.
We went out to dinner last night, Mike said just pick where your heart is telling you to. I said my heart was steak fries and ranch... to which he responds with "your heart isn't in this diet is it!" No sir it is not! I love salads and veggies but when I'm told that has to be my main source of sustenance for almost a month, I am going to completely buck against the system. It is simply my nature. We ended up at McGrath's fish house. I tried a new fish. I had the Marlin with steamed broccoli and red potatoes, no butter. The fish itself was delicious! So much for saying I don't like fish huh? I guess I just can't really do salmon. I try cause I'm supposed to but I just can't. Mike and I tried to pick the fish that were not served in a butter or cream sauce. Mine was crusted in coconut and almonds and did have a bit of a cream sauce but wasn't drowning in it. It was like a pineapple sauce, very tasty. Mike had a cajun steel-head served with a mango salsa, I got a bite out of him very tasty. All things considered not bad. I guess if I had left the bread alone it would have been better but hey I'm working on making better choices and that isn't going to happen over night. I forwent the beer battered shrimp or the shrimp scampi and the coconut shrimp and the stuffed shrimp, the baked potato loaded with butter, sour cream and cheese. All my life seafood has been synonymous with shrimp. I can eat the hell out of some shrimp cocktail, it's like engraved in my genes. So for me to go out for seafood and eat marlin or any other type of fish that had a face is really quite a difference!
So on a side note, I've been thinking that it is high time I make an appointment to talk to my Dr. I think I need to consider the idea of staying off of antidepressants and maybe just go on something like diazepam (valium) or Xanax. More often than not it is just a build up of crazy that suddenly makes it impossible function properly. The problem with the antidepressants being that they zap my libido which really causes more anxiety because it makes Mike frustrated which makes me frustrated at him and me! Of course if you ask my mother I should just chill the eff out. Thanks madre!
We went out to dinner last night, Mike said just pick where your heart is telling you to. I said my heart was steak fries and ranch... to which he responds with "your heart isn't in this diet is it!" No sir it is not! I love salads and veggies but when I'm told that has to be my main source of sustenance for almost a month, I am going to completely buck against the system. It is simply my nature. We ended up at McGrath's fish house. I tried a new fish. I had the Marlin with steamed broccoli and red potatoes, no butter. The fish itself was delicious! So much for saying I don't like fish huh? I guess I just can't really do salmon. I try cause I'm supposed to but I just can't. Mike and I tried to pick the fish that were not served in a butter or cream sauce. Mine was crusted in coconut and almonds and did have a bit of a cream sauce but wasn't drowning in it. It was like a pineapple sauce, very tasty. Mike had a cajun steel-head served with a mango salsa, I got a bite out of him very tasty. All things considered not bad. I guess if I had left the bread alone it would have been better but hey I'm working on making better choices and that isn't going to happen over night. I forwent the beer battered shrimp or the shrimp scampi and the coconut shrimp and the stuffed shrimp, the baked potato loaded with butter, sour cream and cheese. All my life seafood has been synonymous with shrimp. I can eat the hell out of some shrimp cocktail, it's like engraved in my genes. So for me to go out for seafood and eat marlin or any other type of fish that had a face is really quite a difference!
So on a side note, I've been thinking that it is high time I make an appointment to talk to my Dr. I think I need to consider the idea of staying off of antidepressants and maybe just go on something like diazepam (valium) or Xanax. More often than not it is just a build up of crazy that suddenly makes it impossible function properly. The problem with the antidepressants being that they zap my libido which really causes more anxiety because it makes Mike frustrated which makes me frustrated at him and me! Of course if you ask my mother I should just chill the eff out. Thanks madre!
Wednesday
How the human penis lost its spines
Ha ha! Ok time to come clean, this entry has nothing to do with its title. I was paroozing CNN and I saw that headline. It tickled me... maybe I'll go back and read the article.
Today was day 1 of this 24 day challenge. It's gonna be a long long long 24 days. The morning started with a citrus flavored fiber drink. Drink is being too generous actually. It had the consistency of apple sauce and tasted 10x worse. I had to choke it down and keep myself from gaging and vomiting all at the same time. Good lord that was awful and I have to do this for another 23 days?! I had an apple for breakfast, an apple at 11 and a banana at 12. I was starving by the time lunch finally rolled around. I had a fajita salad for lunch with a crap ton of tortilla chips. Lunch was 24 pts. I forgot to pack anything else to snack on. This "recommended diet" says no cheese. Oz says I can just reduce my cheese intake. He says so long as I follow the plan 80% of the time I'll be okay. I woke up on time but very tired since I didn't fall asleep until after midnight. The morning was going fine until I had to get out of bed. I thought okay this isn't so bad... then I tried walking down the stairs on our way out and I realized just how wrong I was. Going up stairs hurts but going down them feels like I'm going to loose control of my bowels. Pretty imagery right? Ha, I'm sorry! So part way through the afternoon I had a spark energy drink. I'm still waiting for that to kick in. Tonight will consist of another work out. We were given the night off after all. I thought we were doing back or chest but we didn't, good thing cause I'm starting to lock up.
We went to the pizza research institute for dinner. We didn't have any pizza. We shared a greens and gorgonzola salad and an order of stuffed mushrooms. They had artichoke somethin or other inside. Tasty! I felt full but really wanted something else to eat, I hadn't reached that stuffed feeling. Mike said we were ok and we have to have a snack before dinner anyway. So I came home and ate 5 pieces of dove caramel filled chocolates. Yes I'm hanging my head in shame.
Tomorrow I'm going to the gym on my own. It's bunko night and I can't drink, this sucks. I have to go on my own cause I'll be off before they are and bunko is at 6:45 so I'll do my work out at 5 and be on my way. I promise I will stick it out even if no one is around to hold me accountable. This man is not kidding about fixing the Jones'! When I met up with them for lunch I told Oz I hate him. I know 6 months from now I'll be building alters to him cause I'll feel stronger even if I'm still just as heavy, but today I just hate him.
Today was day 1 of this 24 day challenge. It's gonna be a long long long 24 days. The morning started with a citrus flavored fiber drink. Drink is being too generous actually. It had the consistency of apple sauce and tasted 10x worse. I had to choke it down and keep myself from gaging and vomiting all at the same time. Good lord that was awful and I have to do this for another 23 days?! I had an apple for breakfast, an apple at 11 and a banana at 12. I was starving by the time lunch finally rolled around. I had a fajita salad for lunch with a crap ton of tortilla chips. Lunch was 24 pts. I forgot to pack anything else to snack on. This "recommended diet" says no cheese. Oz says I can just reduce my cheese intake. He says so long as I follow the plan 80% of the time I'll be okay. I woke up on time but very tired since I didn't fall asleep until after midnight. The morning was going fine until I had to get out of bed. I thought okay this isn't so bad... then I tried walking down the stairs on our way out and I realized just how wrong I was. Going up stairs hurts but going down them feels like I'm going to loose control of my bowels. Pretty imagery right? Ha, I'm sorry! So part way through the afternoon I had a spark energy drink. I'm still waiting for that to kick in. Tonight will consist of another work out. We were given the night off after all. I thought we were doing back or chest but we didn't, good thing cause I'm starting to lock up.
We went to the pizza research institute for dinner. We didn't have any pizza. We shared a greens and gorgonzola salad and an order of stuffed mushrooms. They had artichoke somethin or other inside. Tasty! I felt full but really wanted something else to eat, I hadn't reached that stuffed feeling. Mike said we were ok and we have to have a snack before dinner anyway. So I came home and ate 5 pieces of dove caramel filled chocolates. Yes I'm hanging my head in shame.
Tomorrow I'm going to the gym on my own. It's bunko night and I can't drink, this sucks. I have to go on my own cause I'll be off before they are and bunko is at 6:45 so I'll do my work out at 5 and be on my way. I promise I will stick it out even if no one is around to hold me accountable. This man is not kidding about fixing the Jones'! When I met up with them for lunch I told Oz I hate him. I know 6 months from now I'll be building alters to him cause I'll feel stronger even if I'm still just as heavy, but today I just hate him.
Recommended diets and no booze make a bore of Zu
Theres two boxes of stuff sitting in my living room. One is closer in view and I kinda feel like throwing a blanket over it. Advocare products. They're health supplements and weight loss aids? I don't quite know. Oz was talking about meal replacement shakes and no bread. I think the look of horror on my face alarmed him. He assured me I don't have to do away with it but eat less of it. I might have broken down in tears if he said rice. Maybe he would have been disgusted if he knew how much rice I eat. Good gracious if he knew what I ate on a daily basis he would slap me upside the head! But while he said meal replacement shakes he also said 5 meals a day. Ok I think I can get down with this.
I don't know how I got talked into this. It's a 24 day challenge. There is a recommended diet plan... um yeah that might not work out too well. I spent enough cash on it to give it an honest try. So far so good. Then he said "No alcohol for the first 10 days." Man that was good while it lasted wasn't it! Ha ha! I'm not a drunk, hell I don't think I've had alcohol in the last 10 days. Wait when was the wine fest again? Yeah thats right no booze in the last 10 days sucka! But I was definitely looking forward to some boozing while I help Dana with her wallpaper project. Fine no booze sad sad Zuzu... Dagnabit this better be worth it!
Today we did legs... Leg press, then standing lunges then uh.. somethin else. When he said lunges I was like uh... no I don't do that. I hadn't seen what was coming yet but I had a bad feeling about it. Then he demonstrated. Yeah my body doesn't move like that. I don't have the coordination to stay upright. He let us modify it and yet I still thought I might die. How is it that without any machines and just a 10lb dumbbell in my hand I could be in that kind of agony? Guess it's what happens when you use your own body as resistance, lord knows I have enough resistance and body.
Today was weigh in day. I went up exactly 1lb. I'm okay with that, really I am. I've been working pretty hard in the gym the last few weeks and I haven't fallen off the Weight Watchers wagon. I think I need to eat less red meat. Gawd it is so tasty but it is so high in points (insert sad face). I got an email from Livestrong.com it said are you vegan-ish? As I hit delete I chuckled to myself saying yeah not even a little bit. I love dead animals, that sounds awful but they're just so tasty. Today I had a pork chop and a half cup of mashed potatoes for lunch. Also some baby carrots and celery sticks with about 3 tablespoons of this awesome cheese spread. I keep it at work that way I wont scarf it down when I get bored at home. Although there is plenty of cheese to keep me busy around here too! Anyway lunch was about 10pts. I was right on track until I ate a pepperoni stick and a teryaki meat stick. I was trying to support Jenny's little boy and his troop. 4pts each. So sad for me! Dinner consisted of a subway sub. It was the cold cut combo on wheat bread. I got the foot long intending to have half of it tomorrow. That didn't work out according to plan. I ate the whole thing there. Meh could have been worse I could have eaten a bag of chips with it too! I guesstimate it was roughly 20ish points. I couldn't tell you for sure right now cause weightwatchers.com is down. Damn it Jennifer Hudson if you're gonna slap your face on something at least make it work! Skinny bitch. Ugh. If I had money like she does I could hire people to shop and cook for me and a trainer to train me like 4hrs a day! And should all else fail, I'd have my jaw wired shut or weight loss surgery! And I'd have a team of shrinks at my disposal with all the drugs I could ever need. I would be like Anna Nicole Smith without the slurred speech and I'd fess up to my crazy pills! Of course if she was on crazy pills and not the other meds she was being prescribed... well lets just let her rest in peace. Have you guys heard that damn song that Nikki Minaj is rapping on talking about Anna? Oh Em Gee, I don't know what the rest of the song even is or why the fuck she's rapping about Anna Nicole Smith let alone the Virgin Mary and Joseph... Really is that all it takes to be famous these days? I don't get it. Whatever! If yall see me around the office pushing myself in my chair be kind and drag me to whatever my destination is, its unlikely I'll have use of my legs.
I don't know how I got talked into this. It's a 24 day challenge. There is a recommended diet plan... um yeah that might not work out too well. I spent enough cash on it to give it an honest try. So far so good. Then he said "No alcohol for the first 10 days." Man that was good while it lasted wasn't it! Ha ha! I'm not a drunk, hell I don't think I've had alcohol in the last 10 days. Wait when was the wine fest again? Yeah thats right no booze in the last 10 days sucka! But I was definitely looking forward to some boozing while I help Dana with her wallpaper project. Fine no booze sad sad Zuzu... Dagnabit this better be worth it!
Today we did legs... Leg press, then standing lunges then uh.. somethin else. When he said lunges I was like uh... no I don't do that. I hadn't seen what was coming yet but I had a bad feeling about it. Then he demonstrated. Yeah my body doesn't move like that. I don't have the coordination to stay upright. He let us modify it and yet I still thought I might die. How is it that without any machines and just a 10lb dumbbell in my hand I could be in that kind of agony? Guess it's what happens when you use your own body as resistance, lord knows I have enough resistance and body.
Today was weigh in day. I went up exactly 1lb. I'm okay with that, really I am. I've been working pretty hard in the gym the last few weeks and I haven't fallen off the Weight Watchers wagon. I think I need to eat less red meat. Gawd it is so tasty but it is so high in points (insert sad face). I got an email from Livestrong.com it said are you vegan-ish? As I hit delete I chuckled to myself saying yeah not even a little bit. I love dead animals, that sounds awful but they're just so tasty. Today I had a pork chop and a half cup of mashed potatoes for lunch. Also some baby carrots and celery sticks with about 3 tablespoons of this awesome cheese spread. I keep it at work that way I wont scarf it down when I get bored at home. Although there is plenty of cheese to keep me busy around here too! Anyway lunch was about 10pts. I was right on track until I ate a pepperoni stick and a teryaki meat stick. I was trying to support Jenny's little boy and his troop. 4pts each. So sad for me! Dinner consisted of a subway sub. It was the cold cut combo on wheat bread. I got the foot long intending to have half of it tomorrow. That didn't work out according to plan. I ate the whole thing there. Meh could have been worse I could have eaten a bag of chips with it too! I guesstimate it was roughly 20ish points. I couldn't tell you for sure right now cause weightwatchers.com is down. Damn it Jennifer Hudson if you're gonna slap your face on something at least make it work! Skinny bitch. Ugh. If I had money like she does I could hire people to shop and cook for me and a trainer to train me like 4hrs a day! And should all else fail, I'd have my jaw wired shut or weight loss surgery! And I'd have a team of shrinks at my disposal with all the drugs I could ever need. I would be like Anna Nicole Smith without the slurred speech and I'd fess up to my crazy pills! Of course if she was on crazy pills and not the other meds she was being prescribed... well lets just let her rest in peace. Have you guys heard that damn song that Nikki Minaj is rapping on talking about Anna? Oh Em Gee, I don't know what the rest of the song even is or why the fuck she's rapping about Anna Nicole Smith let alone the Virgin Mary and Joseph... Really is that all it takes to be famous these days? I don't get it. Whatever! If yall see me around the office pushing myself in my chair be kind and drag me to whatever my destination is, its unlikely I'll have use of my legs.
Monday
You're being watched... Yes, you.
It's not the government this time!!
So why am not medicated yet? Well there are a few good reasons. Ok really there really is just one. It's a double edged sword and his name is Mike. I've been medicated for the better part of the last five years. Mike hasn't gotten laid for the better part of those five years. Poor bastard I can't believe he actually married me! And I will not hold it against you if you stopped reading after that last sentence up there. When I started taking Lexapro, Mike was so excited. It was like a wonder drug that took away the demented woman he bamboozled himself into falling in love with and replaced her with someone he could actually imagine living with! He was doing PSA's for that stuff to anyone that would listen. I for my part went from a very angry account rep at a time share company to a less angry person who stopped slamming the rubber wrist guard against their desk in fits of rage. One of the side effects of this sudden amazing new woman who came into the room was that her libido ran screaming from the room. So for the next five years Mike's least favorite word became NO. Poor bastard has heard it so often it nearly replaced his name. Since going off the meds he's either been really happy, really miserable or really happy. Maybe confused.
So what does any of this have to do with my creepy behavior? Well I mean obviously it just goes hand in hand. Last night I was sitting on a recumbent bike pedaling away. I can't believe what a terrible mood that place puts me in! Maybe Gold's Gym isn't for me. It makes me angry. People go there to be seen more than to actually work out. At least at the DAC the old white people don't give a flying fig about anyone but themselves. So there I was in that dingy, badly lit gym trying to keep myself going and wishing Pandora would stop being a pmsing bitch. Then I see her. This plump little girl making her way to a treadmill. She stopped and set her water bottle down, then walked off to the left and came back with a magazine. I was still trying to figure out where the magazine came from when she plopped her chunky ass up there. I started watching her she stood off to the side and started the machine. I think that was where it began... my annoyance with her. Aren't you supposed to be on the machine when the belt starts? Generally folks get off the belt when they're trying to get off of it cause they were going too fast not cause it is about to begin moving at a very slow pace. Ok let us see where this goes... She manages to get herself going. And going... suddenly it hits me. This heifer is strutting! What the hell? Was she some reject from America's Next Top Model? Was she learning under Miss Jay and Mr. Jay? What the hell lady why are you walking that way?!?! STOP IT STOP IT PLEASE STOP IT! The longer I watched her the more I wanted to throw my phone at the back of her head. Why was it boiling my blood that way? I don't have any idea except that I'm totally insane. I momentarily considered running across all of the treadmills next to her and just bull rushing her off of hers. I could totally picture it in my head. Instead I pulled out my phone and recorded her chunky strut. Yes I really did record her. Am I proud of it? Not really. Was it something only really crazy people do? Maybe not. It could have been bad if I had recorded it to make fun of her on the internet, but I did it for proof. I didn't want Mike to say I was crazy so I was gonna show him her strut and hope that he agreed that she was foolishly strutting. Instead he concluded that I am not only crazy but also creepy. So do I need to be medicated? Hell yes. Will I be medicated as soon as I need to? Probably not.
Friday
Open letter to the Girl Scouts
Your cookies come around once a year and every year your adoring fans flock to the local grocery store in search of the tiny table with 5 kids crowding it and the entry way to said grocery store. Well my little darlings I am not a fan. I despise being accosted on my way in and out of the grocery store. I hate that your damn cookies are so tasty that in years gone by I've scarfed boxes of them in one sitting. I hate that there are tiny kids selling this shit like crack! And I hate your parents for breeding. Why can't you guys sell your crack like schools do making the parents take their stupid order forms to work with them. I don't like high pressure sales and I don't like your militia style sales tactics. I have been in ONE grocery store that didn't have you brats parked outside every entrance. I feel like I have to bust some shit out like mission impossible to get in and out of the grocery store!You kids have every emergency exit covered. As a fat diabetic in America I say NO THANK YOU. And yet you brats got me!! 2 boxes of cookies sit in my kitchen as I type and that is it. Let me live my diabetic life in peace!
Sincerely this angry chunkster.
When I was a kid my sister, my cousin and I set up a lemonade stand. I got to go stand at the top of the street and hold our sign. I was just a tiny (age wise cause I was a plump little thing) innocent kid. I want to say I was like 6 or 7, I don't remember my little brother being born yet. So there I was standing with my lemonade sign waiting for any passer-byers. I was so excited when someone drove by and slowed to a stop. She rolled her window down and asked what we were selling. I said lemonade and mandarin oranges. She asked me if our lemonade had sugar in it I said I thought so. She scolded me. I was shocked! Shocked!! All I remember is she yelled something about being diabetic and I think the blank and slightly startled look on my face indicated lack of understanding to her. So she yelled something about sugar being bad for her before she drove away. I've never yelled at a kid trying to sell me sugar, don't know that I ever will.
I read a story today in the paper about a man in our area who had his toes eaten by his dog while he slept. This man was diabetic. It was pretty shocking to me not to mention disgusting! I think I need to cut that story out of the paper and paste it on the fridge and make copies and tape it to anything that has sugar that is in the house. Maybe that will be motivation enough to put down the cookies. Also I definitely think I'll rethink this whole dog idea. I like my toes where they are... on my feet.
Sincerely this angry chunkster.
When I was a kid my sister, my cousin and I set up a lemonade stand. I got to go stand at the top of the street and hold our sign. I was just a tiny (age wise cause I was a plump little thing) innocent kid. I want to say I was like 6 or 7, I don't remember my little brother being born yet. So there I was standing with my lemonade sign waiting for any passer-byers. I was so excited when someone drove by and slowed to a stop. She rolled her window down and asked what we were selling. I said lemonade and mandarin oranges. She asked me if our lemonade had sugar in it I said I thought so. She scolded me. I was shocked! Shocked!! All I remember is she yelled something about being diabetic and I think the blank and slightly startled look on my face indicated lack of understanding to her. So she yelled something about sugar being bad for her before she drove away. I've never yelled at a kid trying to sell me sugar, don't know that I ever will.
I read a story today in the paper about a man in our area who had his toes eaten by his dog while he slept. This man was diabetic. It was pretty shocking to me not to mention disgusting! I think I need to cut that story out of the paper and paste it on the fridge and make copies and tape it to anything that has sugar that is in the house. Maybe that will be motivation enough to put down the cookies. Also I definitely think I'll rethink this whole dog idea. I like my toes where they are... on my feet.
Wednesday
Caution: Biting Hazard
I won't bite you today cause my teeth hurt. Instead I might take a swing at you or kick you in the shins. If I could I would temporarily remove my teeth and gum you a bit. I'm having a rough day with this mouth soreness. Where was it last night when I was happily chomping down on my grilled cheese and soup?! Not only am I in some pain but the phones have been ringing off the hook. Every person who needs some hand holding within the entire state of Oregon has been on my phone. I tried to have lunch, a sandwich from Quizinos and a salad. I guess maybe my teeth were trying to tell me something. The sandwich would have been oh a measly 21 pts. The salad luckily was only 5. I only finished half the sandwich cause each time I bit through the bread I felt a jolt of pain. I guess if this is how I go about refraining from over eating then so be it?
Question: You've all seen those small watermelons at the grocery store right? They're called personal watermelons, at least the ones I picked up were. So does that mean that it would be ok for me to sit down and eat a whole melon on my own? Don't worry I didn't. At least not in one sitting... I had half for desert last night and half for breakfast this morning. It's sometimes a bit misleading to read individual when you're staring at a giant melon or a pan of lasagna or something like that. Misleading might be the wrong word. I guess it all comes down to common sense and whether or not we choose to ignore what we really know and do what we really want. Or in my case eat it.
Funny how my teeth ache but not enough to keep me from chomping on some crackers and soft cheese. I went on a crazy cheese fest last night at the grocery store. I got sliced cheese, soft cheese spreads, laughing cow cheese... cheese cheese and a little more cheese. I found these wheat thin flat bread thingies. 2 of them for 2 pts. Not the best deal but what the hell. It was also 2pts for 2 tablespoons of this garlic and herb cheese spread I found. Mmmm Mmm good! Basically the lesson of today is unless you want me chomping on your fingers which I've dipped in my cheese, do not look at me cross when you see me with a handful of crackers and cheese or crumbs on my shirt.
Question: You've all seen those small watermelons at the grocery store right? They're called personal watermelons, at least the ones I picked up were. So does that mean that it would be ok for me to sit down and eat a whole melon on my own? Don't worry I didn't. At least not in one sitting... I had half for desert last night and half for breakfast this morning. It's sometimes a bit misleading to read individual when you're staring at a giant melon or a pan of lasagna or something like that. Misleading might be the wrong word. I guess it all comes down to common sense and whether or not we choose to ignore what we really know and do what we really want. Or in my case eat it.
Funny how my teeth ache but not enough to keep me from chomping on some crackers and soft cheese. I went on a crazy cheese fest last night at the grocery store. I got sliced cheese, soft cheese spreads, laughing cow cheese... cheese cheese and a little more cheese. I found these wheat thin flat bread thingies. 2 of them for 2 pts. Not the best deal but what the hell. It was also 2pts for 2 tablespoons of this garlic and herb cheese spread I found. Mmmm Mmm good! Basically the lesson of today is unless you want me chomping on your fingers which I've dipped in my cheese, do not look at me cross when you see me with a handful of crackers and cheese or crumbs on my shirt.
Tuesday
Weigh in day
I lost exactly 0.00000 lbs. But you know what? I gained exactly the same. All things considered not bad. Mike and I only stepped foot in the gym twice during the week. I have plenty of excuses to give you, too much going on, blah blah blah. What it boils down to is that we weren't very motivated to. I give myself kudo's for having gone Friday afternoon before embarking on our grand adventure. So the fact that no weight came back on was a success in itself.
This week isn't starting up much more promising. Mike was sick yesterday and is home sick today. I think I have to say sorry you're sick babe I'll see you after Zumba, and just do it. After the dentist appointment its not looking so good for me either.
I've had a rocky start to the week. Woke up yesterday from an awful dream. For years now I occasionally have dreams that I've fought with my mom. I call her every name in the book sometimes I throw things, even push her. After each of these dreams I wake up feeling horrible, dirty and like the worst kid ever. I always thought to myself what on earth is my subconscious trying to do to me? Sometimes Mike has had to wake me up because I've been crying or yelling and thrashing in my sleep. It wasn't until recently that I finally figured out what the meaning of those dreams were. I woke up from one of those dreams a few months ago and immediately called my mom to apologize for the way I treated her in my dream. Kinda weird I know but I felt so horrible! She assured me that we were okay and it was actually my sister she wasn't speaking to.
My sister has had a difficult relationship with just about everyone in our family. We all love her to death but she makes it difficult to like her. She's quick to anger and holds long grudges against anyone who crosses her even unintentionally. If you're not on her side you're probably on the wrong side.
She's lived with my parents since she moved back from Seattle with her little girl. It was a mutually beneficial situation. My parent's have been dependent on us kids for a long time so having someone there with them to help keep bills in order and whatnot "seemed" like a good thing. I won't go into the nitty gritty but my sister and my parents have always been like rams, they just keep slamming their horns into each other over and over for years and years. On any given day you can pick up the telephone and hear from my sister how much she despises them, how horrible they make her life, and on at least one occasion that she wished they were gone. I know my parents are difficult to live with, they can be childish and stubborn but at the end of the day they're my parents. They have provided for me, they have clothed me, given me access to an education not to mention they've bailed us all out on more occasions than they should have. They have done the best that they knew how to make our lives better than theirs. I think we owe it to them to put up with them especially if you're not putting on your adult britches and going it on your own. They're now in a financial situation that none of us could have dreamed would be possible. It's frightening and it makes it that much harder to hear my sister say the awful things she says.
When I woke up from that dream yesterday morning I knew something was going on at home and I really didn't want to know. It's hard to hear about the distress they're facing, especially when there is little I can do. But we have to face it head on and try to find the answers we can. It makes me want to cry but I can't very well do that sitting at my desk with the phone ringing and people showing up at my window. So I snack...
Because food will distract, if not comfort me. Sounded like a good plan to me... It is just difficult to go about my day with something like that dangling in the back of my mind. I wish I could make it all better and really I feel guilty that I can't. I wish I could make everyone happy, take away all of their worries and sorrows and make them be happy and healthy. I don't want them to fight or be sad or worry about what else tomorrow will bring. The guilt of what I can't control eats away at me some days and I eat to give it something to feed off of instead.
Mike was sitting on the couch last night feeling so terrible, his stomach hurt, he shook from the low blood sugar and possibly the fever that was creeping in. The only suggestion I could make was to offer him food. Mike do you want some crackers? How about some fruit? Your blood sugar is still kind of low do you want some cheesecake? He wanted nothing to do with any of the "snacks" I offered him. Poor guy if his care was left to me he would be like one of those poor people on TLC who can't leave their houses.
I've been mulling over the idea of going to one of the OA meetings. It would have to be a weekend meeting since the weekday ones are in the middle of the day. I haven't built up the courage to do it yet. I convince myself that I really don't need to be there. Then I do things like today. Picked up lunch for myself and my coworker and on the way back I stopped for a diet soda at McD's. Like any good caffeine addict I needed my fix. Believe me I'm a better person with it. I'm consuming much less soda these days but I just need a small fix to ward off the migraines. So anyway I wasn't scolding myself for buying the soda. I drove up to the drive-thru and I ordered my soda and before I realized it I had also ordered a small french fry and was eye balling the chicken nuggets. Seriously?! Ok at least it was a small and I didn't get the nuggets but fricken shit Zu! I had a perfectly good lunch sitting right next to me! Not to mention it wasn't a small one, I was having the large yumm baby with a side of tortilla chips. More than enough food for me. But there I was scarfing down a bag of fries trying to dust off all evidence of them as I walked back into the office. Why did I really care if anyone noticed the crumbs? I stuffed the bag in the trash outside the building just so no one would see it. Yep... I really should be in one of those meetings.
This week isn't starting up much more promising. Mike was sick yesterday and is home sick today. I think I have to say sorry you're sick babe I'll see you after Zumba, and just do it. After the dentist appointment its not looking so good for me either.
I've had a rocky start to the week. Woke up yesterday from an awful dream. For years now I occasionally have dreams that I've fought with my mom. I call her every name in the book sometimes I throw things, even push her. After each of these dreams I wake up feeling horrible, dirty and like the worst kid ever. I always thought to myself what on earth is my subconscious trying to do to me? Sometimes Mike has had to wake me up because I've been crying or yelling and thrashing in my sleep. It wasn't until recently that I finally figured out what the meaning of those dreams were. I woke up from one of those dreams a few months ago and immediately called my mom to apologize for the way I treated her in my dream. Kinda weird I know but I felt so horrible! She assured me that we were okay and it was actually my sister she wasn't speaking to.
My sister has had a difficult relationship with just about everyone in our family. We all love her to death but she makes it difficult to like her. She's quick to anger and holds long grudges against anyone who crosses her even unintentionally. If you're not on her side you're probably on the wrong side.
She's lived with my parents since she moved back from Seattle with her little girl. It was a mutually beneficial situation. My parent's have been dependent on us kids for a long time so having someone there with them to help keep bills in order and whatnot "seemed" like a good thing. I won't go into the nitty gritty but my sister and my parents have always been like rams, they just keep slamming their horns into each other over and over for years and years. On any given day you can pick up the telephone and hear from my sister how much she despises them, how horrible they make her life, and on at least one occasion that she wished they were gone. I know my parents are difficult to live with, they can be childish and stubborn but at the end of the day they're my parents. They have provided for me, they have clothed me, given me access to an education not to mention they've bailed us all out on more occasions than they should have. They have done the best that they knew how to make our lives better than theirs. I think we owe it to them to put up with them especially if you're not putting on your adult britches and going it on your own. They're now in a financial situation that none of us could have dreamed would be possible. It's frightening and it makes it that much harder to hear my sister say the awful things she says.
When I woke up from that dream yesterday morning I knew something was going on at home and I really didn't want to know. It's hard to hear about the distress they're facing, especially when there is little I can do. But we have to face it head on and try to find the answers we can. It makes me want to cry but I can't very well do that sitting at my desk with the phone ringing and people showing up at my window. So I snack...
Because food will distract, if not comfort me. Sounded like a good plan to me... It is just difficult to go about my day with something like that dangling in the back of my mind. I wish I could make it all better and really I feel guilty that I can't. I wish I could make everyone happy, take away all of their worries and sorrows and make them be happy and healthy. I don't want them to fight or be sad or worry about what else tomorrow will bring. The guilt of what I can't control eats away at me some days and I eat to give it something to feed off of instead.
Mike was sitting on the couch last night feeling so terrible, his stomach hurt, he shook from the low blood sugar and possibly the fever that was creeping in. The only suggestion I could make was to offer him food. Mike do you want some crackers? How about some fruit? Your blood sugar is still kind of low do you want some cheesecake? He wanted nothing to do with any of the "snacks" I offered him. Poor guy if his care was left to me he would be like one of those poor people on TLC who can't leave their houses.
I've been mulling over the idea of going to one of the OA meetings. It would have to be a weekend meeting since the weekday ones are in the middle of the day. I haven't built up the courage to do it yet. I convince myself that I really don't need to be there. Then I do things like today. Picked up lunch for myself and my coworker and on the way back I stopped for a diet soda at McD's. Like any good caffeine addict I needed my fix. Believe me I'm a better person with it. I'm consuming much less soda these days but I just need a small fix to ward off the migraines. So anyway I wasn't scolding myself for buying the soda. I drove up to the drive-thru and I ordered my soda and before I realized it I had also ordered a small french fry and was eye balling the chicken nuggets. Seriously?! Ok at least it was a small and I didn't get the nuggets but fricken shit Zu! I had a perfectly good lunch sitting right next to me! Not to mention it wasn't a small one, I was having the large yumm baby with a side of tortilla chips. More than enough food for me. But there I was scarfing down a bag of fries trying to dust off all evidence of them as I walked back into the office. Why did I really care if anyone noticed the crumbs? I stuffed the bag in the trash outside the building just so no one would see it. Yep... I really should be in one of those meetings.
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