Chapter 1...

I'm reading a book called "Food: The Good Girl's Drug..." So far it has been eye opening and painful to read. I've really only been able to make it through the first chapter because I keep stopping myself. It is difficult to continue on when you see the naked truth in front of your eyes. The deeper I'm delving into this whole self discovery and realization the more painful it becomes. The more fucked up I see that I am. I want to stop, I've had enough. Can't we just go back to ignoring the issues? This juice fast in combination with therapy have really scrounged up some shit. Stirring the pot makes stuff look murky but it also makes it better doesn't it? The juicing (because I quite frankly can't call it a fast) was supposed to help break the chains of these demons. These unhealthy habits and addictions to the wrong foods. Instead what I'm left with is a darker realization. I'm not addicted to eating the wrong foods, I am addicted to all foods. I am harming myself with food. I have an eating disorder. Now mind you I haven't presented this to any M.D. yet, however, it is pretty clear. We already knew I had a pretty skewed relationship with food, emotional in nature but it goes well beyond that. It is embarrassing to be honest. The deeper I go down this rabbit hole the deeper it gets. I wonder at many points throughout my day whether I shouldn't just be institutionalized for a little while. Spend a few hours a day with a doctor talking and maybe a few hours in an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. It's weird to think right? I'm not bulimic and I certainly am no anorexic but my struggles with food and self are just as fucked up. That all being said... what follows is just some journaling, as I finish each chapter it asks me a few questions to reflect. Gotta love self help books right? To give you a synopsis of the chapter, it explains BED (binge eating disorder) as well as good old fashioned emotional overeating. It shared the stories of a few people one is a gal who has always yo-yoed, another over eater who is nearly anorexic and one who has been obese since childhood. The questions were 1. what was my body and weight history. 2. did i relate to any of the eating disorder descriptions, how or why. 3. Do I think I am an emotional over eater or a binge eater and what terms would I use to describe my issues with food. So that my friends is what you will learn if you continue reading. I don't know why I'm sharing all this, but I've shared just about everything else with you all so why not right?

From a young age I knew I was over weight. My mom and aunts commented on our looks and I could see the difference between me and the other kids. I remember wanting to exercise and there were times when I would go "running" I was maybe 5 or 6 years old and I would wake up early on the weekend, put on my matching sweat pants and shirt and my Velcro shoes and grab my walk man as I walked out the door. I never made it very far, I'd run out of breath and energy and have to huff back to the house.
The question was whether I have identified as overweight or obese my entire life... I think in a lot of ways that identification was made for me. I have so many memories that are just flooding back.
I had a 2 piece bikini when I was a kid, it was so colorful and I was so excited to wear it. I finally got the chance to when we visited my grandparents in Mexico one summer. I distinctly remember that I didn't feel all that uncomfortable in it though I probably looked it. I remember seeing a picture later on and I just looked so god awful in it. The memory hurts but it is honest. That same suit was at the center of a fight I had with my sister not long after that. I had a friend since kindergarten, her name was Lolita. One day she came over after school and I was so excited because none of my friends ever came over. The excitement was certainly short lived. My sister being the older and cooler one of the two, with better ideas for what to do convinced my friend to go play with her. My sister wanted me to loan my bathing suit to Lolita so they could go play in the sprinklers or something. Whatever it was it involved water. I refused. I was too fat for it but I was not going to let her wear it. I was angry and probably hurt that I wasn't being included, I'm still angry about it today! Ha...
As I got older kids got meaner but for me the bullying always started at home. When I was 8 my little brother was born. I was so excited about him and loved him so so dearly. By the time I was 10 and he was 2 and able to talk things weren't so rosy anymore. My sister taught him to be cruel to me. He was like a tiny parrot for her to play with. I don't know how old he was but at one point he was chanting "fat, fat, fatty!!" or "shamuuuuu". He would giggle and think he was doing something good but he was cutting wounds that really haven't healed. 20 years later and I still remember all of them. I don't blame him and I don't hate him. I love my brother he is a wonderful man, do I blame my sister? Yes, I do. I can't hold her solely responsible because she too was a kid and couldn't understand the implications of her actions just as I couldn't. It hurt deeply and it does today just as much, so who's to blame? I don't quite know if there is blame to be placed. There is infinite amounts of pain though.
I felt like reading the opening pages of the book was like reading the story of my life. Set before me in a way that finally made some semblance of sense. So let me tell you what the national eating disorders association describes BED as: recurrent binge eating without the regular use of compensatory measures -- such as vomiting, excessive exercise, or using laxatives -- to counter the binges.

• Some symptoms include: Frequent episodes of eating large quantities of food in relatively short periods of time.
• Feeling out of control over eating behavior
• Feeling ashamed or disgusted by the behavior
• Eating rapidly 
• Eating in secret
• Eating until uncomfortably full

So sure while a lot of us fatties might eat rapidly or until uncomfortably full how many of you are feeling ashamed of yourself to the point of tears or like you literally cannot stop? I do. I'm raising both hands over here. I have gotten myself to the point where I have been in so much pain that I have tried forcing myself to vomit but I cannot make it happen. Recently there was an incident involving a few too many cups of white rice which left me in so much agony and shame and disgust that after failing to make it come up I was ready to drive my ass down to walmart for some ipecac. Instead I laid on the couch in the only position which didn't hurt and I waited for it to pass. When the pain had subsided enough I went into the kitchen and finished off the remaining rice. And then I cried. A girls account in the book talks about the postbinge guilt trip. It reads "All of my focus comes off of my work and onto my flaws. I think about how I have no self-control, how I'm obese, and I look down at my belly in disgust and let my thoughts abuse me." I can't tell you how frequently this happens. Often I end up picking up the phone and crying to Mike for absolution. I don't know why but I always want him to tell me what I did wasn't as bad as I think it is. He usually will and that will silence the screaming in my head for a bit. But there is always a next time...

So do I think I am an emotional eater or a binge eater... I never considered there could be a difference but now I realize that I am a binge eater. Sure emotion can be fueling it but ultimately I binge. I would eat the whole world away if I could. 

I remember a number of years ago Mike and I considered the idea of weight loss surgery. To the extent that we went to a seminar about it. They talked about how you suddenly felt full! These people they understood what that feeling was. One woman raised her hand and asked "what does feeling full have to do with anything?" What does it indeed.

Good bye cruel friend

Effective immediately the scale is leaving the house. Mike and I decided this was the best thing to do for a number of reasons. Fasting has never been exclusively about losing weight. Honestly weight loss has been one of the lower priorities of as far as a fast is concerned. First and foremost we are seeking a way to break free from the addiction to processed foods and over eating that we have struggled with all our lives. Who hasn't heard the old saying that your body is your temple? Seriously my body has been like a run down looted, gutted out and burned down old temple. Not even snakes or spiders would call it home.
The journey of self discovery and renewal that I have been on for the last few years has brought me understanding of my addiction to food. I have a very disruptive and emotionally unsatisfying relationship with food. I don't know why it is, I can't say it's my heritage cause frankly this is all inside of me. It is how I respond to my emotions. It is my comfort when I am so drained and there is nothing left of myself, I choose to replenish it with food. I have to stop living to eat. Weight loss may come or it may not but regardless that is not the end all of my journey.
The scale in this house has more and more become a way of finding my self worth. Did I do well this week? Great I am so proud of myself! If I didn't I begin to judge myself, think of every piece of food that I might have snuck in while Mike wasn't around. I begin to measure myself up against Mike, who can go out for a bike ride and have lost 3 or 4lbs to my 2 for the week. I have to stop doing that. This is not why I am doing this.
When we first began juicing it was about the weight loss. That's what we saw this guy on some documentary achieve! But as the days went on and we started noticing the decrease in our insulin in take, our renewed energy and strength... I was sleeping through the night! Wow what an idea that food can truly affect your life in ways other than making your not hungry.
For Mike continuing on and fasting multiple more times during our life can mean the end of all his insulin and pills and living a diabetes free life. That is something I truly hope we can achieve. That unfortunately isn't in the cards for me. However, I know that breaking the cycle of addiction and emotional eating will lead me to a happier healthier life. I want that so badly for myself. I want that more than I want to be free of the diabetes. I can live with the diabetes and I can live well, but this sick cycle of emotions is something I can't live with.
The last number of weeks I have been under immense amounts of stress, worry and fear. Who wouldn't be? Mike is coming up on a year of unemployment, taxes are due, I have more work than I can shake a stick at and my husband is leaving for 2 months all in the middle of a fast. My old handy go to friend is not allowed to play with me! If all this were going on and I was eating you can bet your ass I would have been a good 30Lbs heavier by the time Mike got back from Cinci. I'm missing my parents and I worry about my mom and her broken leg and what might happen with that. I hear how depressed she sounds when I've spoken to her and it makes my heart hurt. It makes me want to reach for a bag of chips. Because the chips will comfort me if only temporarily.
As of late they haven't, I have on a few occasions snuck some and frankly they weren't enjoyed. I just felt a desperation to eat them before anyone saw me or god forbid Mike found out. But almost every time I would confess my sins to Mike who would tell me it was ok, just don't do it again. You're right thanks hon, until the next time. I'd get on the scale and wait for its reproach. And I would leave the room head hung low. Yesterday was a bit of a breaking point for me. I can't continue doing this. I refuse to be a slave to that scale. It does not congratulate me for going an entire day on juice, it only reprimands me for the bag of chips. It doesn't say you're doing awesome in Jazzercise keep it up! It says you did it again didn't you? So that is why until we reach 122 days of juice the scale will find itself in the trunk of the car. Because that is the only place it belongs.