Tiki Torches and Tidal Waves

I’ve been having consistent dreams involving tidal waves over the past few weeks. Along with tornados, tidal wave dreams have become my new obsessive fear. I’m land locked in this here town yet I constantly dream of unending walls of water coming my way. Of course I’m never at home in Eugene when these walls appear. A few nights back I dreamt that I was driving down some unknown road, I can’t quite figure out if it was late afternoon or if my dreams were just hazed. I was driving the car; I think there might have been a passenger in it with me. Suddenly I look up to see this mountain of water speeding towards me. I cringed… I remember stopping the car, realizing there was no way in hell I’d be able to flee before becoming engulfed in the murky waters coming my way. I remember wondering if I should have put the emergency brake on. Maybe that would have kept the vehicle from moving. Wishful thinking, I’ve seen the videos of the Tsunamis!

Last night in my dream I was in some tropical place, I want to say Costa Rica. I was thinking of it when I was looking at flights to California. Specifically an ad for a Sandals resort, one day… So back to the story at hand, shall we? I was staying in a hotel with all of the family; it seemed to be a really big hotel suite. One of the rooms had bunk beds, there were 3 beds stacked together but they were really small. I remember telling Kennia that she had to sleep on one and she had a fit. I remember the kids were all there too. Natty, Tori, Kat and Adrian, I was so excited to see them and they were getting so big and I was just so happy to be with all of the family again. Next thing I know everyone is gone and I’m standing outside. I could see the waves crashing on the beach. They were tremendous in size and I was worried that our hotel was too close to the water’s edge. I walked further away from the beach. I was alone but talking out loud as I walked. I looked up and there was an enormous wave picking up speed and height. I thought oh God this is it and braced myself but instead of drowning everything out the wave crashed on the sand and went back in the ocean. I was so scared it was difficult to catch my breath. I was sure that would have been the end of it for me. Later I walked along the beach with someone, the waves continued to crash menacingly but I recall walking in the water maybe up to my ankles. It felt like bath water, warm enough to be satisfying but not hot enough to feel like I would cook. The person I was walking with asked me if I was afraid of the ocean. I told her I had grown up playing in the ocean and always loved it but was now terrified of being carried away by the tide. We both noticed how frighteningly dark it suddenly became. That is when I finally woke up.

I still don’t sleep well, I toss and turn and I can hear the t.v the entire night. It has been an interesting week schedule wise. Not working my 4x10 schedule has been nice, but I sure did miss having Monday off! I don’t get it though, I can go to bed whenever and get that full 8hrs of sleep even if I’m waking up at 6. Yet when I wake up and the entire day following it I feel like I have been tormented and kept awake for days at a time. If I’m getting up at 7:00 because I’m not starting work until 8:30, I have still accomplished 8 hours of sleep but feel completely different. What does this have to do with tidal waves? Who knows I was just thinking about that. I suppose not sleeping well can lead to nightmares or nightmares lead to not sleeping well. They go hand in hand, let us leave it there. But I was truly puzzled by all of the dreams I’ve been having so like an old fashioned internet junkie I pulled out my phone first thing in the morning and looked up the meaning of tidal waves.

Here is what thedreamwell.com says:

Dreaming of a tidal wave, or any massive wave, is usually experienced from the viewpoint of watching it approach, either on shore, from a hill or some other near-by vantage point.  This dream may often be accompanied by a sense of fear or panic.  To understand dreams of this nature, it can help to start by understanding what water and the sea mean to us in dreams (see “Dream Meanings: Water” post.)  If we look at water in our dreams as a symbol of our emotions and feelings, part of our inner world, then tidal waves can be like our emotions welling up and getting a little out of control.  One of the advantages of being on shore or nearby watching the wave approach in the dream is that it gives us an opportunity to step outside ourselves and look at what we are feeling.  This is usually a helpful thing to do when our emotions get so strong that they well up into a massive wave!
Tidal waves often appear in our dreams when are under a lot of pressure or when significant change is occurring.  They may be a an indication that we feel a little overwhelmed, that maybe we fear we won’t be able to cope or adjust with what we see in our own future.  They may occur as recurring dreams, with the wave getting bigger or closer over subsequent nights.  This may correspond to our increasing anxiety, or the looming date we fear getting closer.  It is worth recognizing that when we have these dreams there is often an area of our life that we are not looking at clearly, or that we are avoiding.  Tidal wave dreams remind us that if we don’t confront and deal with things that are out of balance in our life, then they will confront us first!  There are few clearer signs of confrontation than standing right before a towering body of surging water!

You don’t say? I’ve been MIA from my own blog for a while now mostly because I start to write and then lose the will to carry on. I’ve been slowly or maybe it’s quickly backsliding into a low. More irritable and depressed than I have since starting the new medications, mostly depressed. In spite of taking them religiously I still feel like I’m losing control. My heart hurts when I think of my family and all that is going on. My brother says we all sweat the small stuff, my mom says I shouldn’t be sad because they aren’t. But when things are just so far out of your control and you’re watching so many things just crumble to dust it is hard not to have feelings about it. I’ve had the time set aside to go home for a while now. I wasn’t sure if I was going to use it before because of financial reasons. Then it became more of a survival thing. I couldn’t bear to think of going home in the middle of all the turbulence, I didn’t want to get caught up in it and really just wish I could go home for a happy occasion ( baby shower anyone? Maybe a wedding? I guess In-N-Out will have to be it!) Then I realized if I don’t go now, I don’t know when I ever will. I thought maybe I should wait until Mike finds a new job, well the way the economy looks we don’t know when that could be. And if he did get a job it could be months before I could go anywhere because I’d be wrapped up in whatever mess a new job means to us! So I found an amazing deal of airfare and decided I had to take it. Victoria asked me a few months ago if I’d be home for her birthday. I told her I’d try my hardest. Now I know I will be and I just hope I can see her.  So that’s that… I’m afraid of tidal waves and I hope I don’t run into any when I go home.

Life is expensive

Four weeks ago we began a series of classes designed to educate us on financial matters. Last night was the last of this series and it culminated with learning to produce a budget. Frankly I was very disappointed in the series. It was a very high over view of financial basics. They wanted to make sure we walked away knowing the basics of financial health. 1. Have a goal. The second and third really escape me at this moment. I think # 3 is knowing your source of income. Clearly I gained a lot of knowledge, right?  I think it felt like a waste to me because this is all information I already know. I know that not paying your bills on time affects your credit. I know that bankruptcy stays on your credit record for 10 years. I know that most other debts fall off of your credit report after 7 years. I also know that Mike and I have been pretty irresponsible when it comes to our finances. That is the reason we were there. Hoping to find some education on how we can straighten ourselves out. We need more than ever to be on solid financial ground.

Since May 20^th we have really had to think about what we’re doing, how we’re spending and how we need to spend in order to be okay. I’ll be honest; we have never really tracked our spending. We spend way more than we should on frivolous things whether it is a good meal or a video game for Mike. Mostly it’s the good meals though. Sitting in last night’s class I couldn’t help but giggle often. The woman leading the class pulled out a giant board that had a blank budget for a make believe woman. They filled out her information such as her monthly income (roughly $2100 net) followed by her expenses. Utilities, rent, child care, etc… They added up her monthly expenses and in the particular scenario the customer was running $400 a month more than her income. So then they began scrutinizing her spending… That’s where the giggling started. I don’t know what universe these people come from but it wasn’t the same one I’m from! For instance they were talking about cutting her electric costs in half. The instructor asked, for a household comprised of a single mother of one child in say a 2 bedroom apartment do you guys think $175 is too high? Well yeah it is pretty high but you can’t just say yes that’s too high, we will only budget $75 a month for electric because realistically that is all she should be using! Sorry folks the real world doesn’t work that way!! You have no way of knowing why her bill is that high. She could have shit for insulation, which believe me is the case all over Eugene. She could have a dead heating element in her water heater and not know it. Hell she could be in a place with a shared meter and not know it! There really is no way to say why her bill is what it is unless she’s at home all day running the washer and dryer all day, while she soaks in her 100 degree bath tub. Of course according to the scenario she is a working mother so that wouldn’t fly. What else… Oh! Movies, she spent $30 a month on movies and the cries of outrage in that room were astounding. Really folks, unless you’re going to the cheap theater in Springfield (where you ass generally will not fit in the seats without some serious squeezing) you’re going to be paying at least $9 a show if it isn’t a matinee. Nowadays with Hollywood moving towards 3D this and IMAX that, you’re looking at closer to $15 a show, yes it hurts I know. Cable, yes Comcast is a vindictive whore. I know plenty of people who have cut their ties and kept them only for the sake of internet (you can find a handful of them in my living room watching HBO every Monday). I just don’t know if I’m ready to cut that tie yet. Yes we have Netflix but who cares? (I’m pouting at the thought right now!) There’s Hulu, but unless you have Hulu+ you kind of get the crap end of the stick when it comes to programming.

After all that we came to her spending on food. Oh it made me cringe and laugh all at the same time. It made me look around the room and take good inventory of the people that were there. On this sample budget the person spent roughly $170 in a month on meals eaten outside her home and another $150 on groceries. Remember this is for two people and one is a teenage son. The folks in that room were ready to tar and feather this imaginary person! It made me want to retreat slowly out of the room. There were statements being said such as: “if she’s spending that much eating out, then why does she bother buying groceries?” or “those groceries but be going bad in her refrigerator”. It truly boggled my mind and I wanted to ask them what THEY were eating if they were feeding their families for less than that a month. One guy claimed he NEVER eats out, as did an older gal who also pays $20 a month to sprint for internet (huh?). Honestly I think those people were full of shit. $170 divided by say 31 days in a month equals out to just over $5 a day. If she’s giving her kid money to go out with friends to the mall or whatever that is going to be more than $5 unless you’re telling your kid he can only eat off the dollar menu at McDonald’s.

Before going to class I had sat down and gone through every expense Mike and I had incurred since we began the class on June 6. What I found was astounding, yes a good chunk of our funds go towards dining out. Surprisingly, almost as much goes into our groceries. When cooking at home, I tend to cook healthier food than I would get while dining out. The thing is though; I generally spend the same or more on home cooked meals. I was surprised when I started to notice that trend, but frankly Mike and I don’t like to eat bad food. I could slash my grocery bill to $100 a month if I was only feeding him a steady diet of mac and cheese, hot dogs, or top ramen. Could you imagine the health implications of that? Protein isn’t cheap my friends! Neither are fresh vegetables! They are certainly worth the extra investment. Mike and I have cut out our soda habit completely. Admittedly it took longer for me to do so and I believe it lowered my grocery bill a good bit. I could guzzle a 12pack of soda in a few days time! I shudder to think what that was doing to my insides.

I felt kind of like an ass sitting there thinking about what I spend and wondering how honest these outraged folks were being. The woman teaching the class kept telling everyone “remember, it’s all about what each person puts value in”. I think I was almost offended by that. I know she didn’t mean it to be a negative statement. Really though one person can look at my spending and say you know if you weren’t doing this or that or eating here or there you could put down a down payment on a house. But that’s not something I want. I’m not interested in a mortgage at all. Are you kidding me? If I have learned anything in the past few weeks it’s that I am sick of people telling me what is best for me and Mike. If I had listened to my mother or his mother or anyone else who has told us we should have children, where would we be? Barely scraping by with a screaming kid who we can’t afford to keep! You can’t try out a kid for a month and then return it. It would be much nicer if you could that way I could show everyone that it isn’t for me. And what if we had paid attention to anyone who told us we’re wasting money on rent when we could own? We would probably be stuck in a house with a mortgage much higher than the value of the house, a kid we can’t afford and an unemployed husband. Oh the thought of that just stresses me the hell out!

So did I learn anything from the 8 hours I spent locked in that room? Yep. I learned that we eat far more than we should and that we need to sit down and look at our credit report and work our way through paying off old bills. Rome wasn’t built in one day so it will probably take some time but we will eventually be in a healthier financial state.

Where have all the monkeys gone?!

FYI: this entry has nothing to do with monkeys.
I have been dragging ass like a sad baboon though so if that satisfies the monkey quota then so be it. I am just so so so tired today! I can't really think straight. The problem with this wonderful 4x10 schedule is that I can't get into the rhythm of sleeping correctly. Tuesday-Thursdays I go to bed around 10. I fall asleep nearly at 11. The idea is to be asleep within minutes of going to bed so I can get some sleep! I'm getting smarter about having something quick and easy that I can throw together in a lunch bag to run out the door. I'm getting out of bed around 5:45 every working morning. I don't know how people with kids do it! Sweet Jesus I need my sleep! I'm at work by 7 and then for the next hour I contend with the desire to crawl under my desk for a nap or simply propping myself up against my keyboard while no work gets done. Work always wins. I curse at it while I'm slowly getting it done. When I get in the lights are always off and I have to go out of my way to turn them on so they stay off until approximately 8:58 when one of the lovely ladies in the office comes out to unlock the doors. They always flick them on for me.
By the time Friday rolls around I'm getting used to it. Going to bed on time and getting up with the crack of dawn and the shriek of my alarm. It gets easier to feel human at 7, I make it through the day ever so grateful that I have 3 days off!! So inevitably Friday night I stay up later than usual, 12, 1, 2 am usually. Not doing anything fun like the college kids my age. No I'm a sad old lady who gets her kicks watching Parking Wars til the wee hours of the night. Sleep in Saturday stay up late then sleep in Sunday, repeat on Monday except throwing in a few naps too. Oh it's heavenly. Until it's 11pm on Monday night and I'm still awake, not ready for bed but as I set my alarm it reminds me I have 6 hrs and 45 minutes of sleep before the damn thing goes off.
Sure it's gonna be super duper awesome when I have somewhere to go and I could use the extra day without spending my precious vacation hours! But until that day actually comes the routine is simply taxing! It doesn't help that I've been pretty much on my own the last two weeks. I just move in hyper slow speed when G isn't around. Not that she pokes me with a stick to make more work come out, there is just more energy around. For the last week I have been staring at a pile of work that needs to be filed away. "That will be tomorrow's project" I tell myself that lie every morning. Granted I have a hefty project I've been moving through. It's been like wadding through a waist deep pool of molasses. Click click click click, copy, paste, copy, paste... Click click click... All work and no chocolate makes Zuzu a sad girl!

In other news... today I read in the news (hehe!) some interesting things. The folks over at the Pentagon want to remove the D as in Disorder from PTSD. They claim it is in order to reduce the stigma associated with it. They're saying that posttraumatic stress is a normal reaction and therefore shouldn't be labeled a disorder. Interesting... I can see this going one of two ways. 1. Folks are going to feel more at ease about seeking help when it becomes too much or 2. Insurance companies are going to deny benefits based on the idea that this is a "normal" reaction to the situations they faced. Believe me, I've had enough run ins with Metlife and disability insurance companies like them to know. Just saying.

Another story I read was about the shortage of workers that is becoming a big problem for farmers. What's that you ask? I guess instead of the monkeys I should be asking where all the Mexican's have gone! Well in Georgia anyway. The new incredibly strict guidelines for employers that are rolling out nationwide are bringing big problems to those who continue to hire illegals. It's also giving more power to law enforcement to harass potential illegal criminals. So the result of all of this is that the field workers are fleeing the area. This is leaving the farmers with the huge dilemma of how to pick all that fruit/veggies without labor. They have tried raising wages 20% in an effort to lure legal workers and even *gasp* Americans to come work the fields. Of course like any self respecting American knows, we don’t actually want to do those jobs! All those racist pricks screaming that the illegals are taking our jobs while they can’t find a decent paying job to support their families with are not rushing to apply at any of these fields! The article I was reading pointed out that many Americans will in fact take lower paying jobs when a field worker position is available and pays better wages. Funny how that works huh? Anyway it was a really good article and you should read it here.

Last but certainly not least! The folks in France have taken a serious stand against Facebook and Twitter.  Tv and radio are no longer allowed to use such profane words unless(!) they are reporting on something directly related to either. The reason has something about subliminal adversiting. When you're watching the news or listening to the radio and someone says something like "follow us on twitter!", do you instantly reach for your phone and check your twitter? I don't know cause I don't twitter so you tell me! I suppose they could be onto something though {buy Zuzu chocolate} I mean after all I do watch commercials for Olive Garden and think mmmm pasta... Somedays I just hear the jingle of a restaurant that I've heard maybe a million times and when Mike asks what's for dinner that's the only thing I want. {chocolate makes Zuzu a happy girl, make Zuzu a happy girl buy chocolate!} Or how about home improvement? I rarely and I mean RARELY need anything from a home improvement store but man I know that I'd better, better, better head to Jerry's!!

The joys of unemployment

I was sitting around the office earlier thinking that I've been ignoring my blog lately. It isn't something I want to do cause I just don't. It has just been exhausting being me lately. I know there are people out there with far more difficult problems, with fewer solutions, fewer recourses, just shittier all around. Still for me it's about as much as I can deal with right now.
I just want to pick up my toys and go play in the different part of the sandbox. I don't want to continue to dwell on what was done, said etc. Mike was fucked over by these people, I hope every manager at Pipeworks Software chokes on a dick. The end. I'm done with that. Now the problem is pulling Mike out of that corner of the sandbox. Obviously he's going to have harder feelings and hold onto them for a lot longer but it tires me out. I feel like we're just spinning and I wish the fucking ride would stop so I could get off.
Dealing with the unemployment office has become the nightmare of the moment. I can't blame Mike, it all really wouldn't have happened if I had read everything extremely carefully as I submitted his first week claim. The problem occurred because I submitted it hours too early. I have never done this before how was I supposed to know? Ok maybe if I had noticed the week end date before hitting submit I would have caught that I was in fact submitting a claim for the week ending May 21 and not May 28.  If I had done it just 1.5 hrs later it would have officially been Sunday and it would have allowed me to file the claim for the week ending 5/28. Oops! When Mike called to correct my mistake, because by this point he had to "restart" his claim he made the fatal mistake of mentioning to the phone rep what his manager stated was the reason he was laid off: "performance issues". RED FLAG!!!
Oh Mike... I really can't blame him for being an honest person but what his manager said and the reason he was let go are two different things. Much less what his manager said vs what HR wrote in his file. So now his claim is being reviewed by an adjudicator and it could be 4 weeks before a decision is rendered. Fantastic!!
The house is a mess, I just have no energy to clean it. I've done some laundry, got it put away. There are piles of laundry in the laundry room, all clean mind you. Just not put away. Something smells funky in the kitchen. Probably something I tossed out last weekend and I am sure I never took that garbage bag out cause I planned to clean out the fridge then take it out.
I'm getting fatter and fatter by the minute. I can feel it. Mike lost a few pounds the week he was first let go. Stress related I'm sure. I found them. He mentioned the gym this morning. We made the decision to keep our DAC membership. I need to cancel my Golds Gym membership ASAP and pay them whatever is outstanding. Oh the DAC... $145 a month yeah there is some goddamn incentive to work out! Why would we keep such an outrageously priced membership when he just lost his job? Cause if we kept the Golds membership I would never go. The depression and anxiety and frustration that are all already taking over would make me explode and punch some fat chick in the back of the head.
Next week we are starting a financial education class. We will see how this goes... It was something I heard about through work. It's offered via O.U.R community credit union and it's a series of like 4 classes. 2 hours each, which teach you about budgeting, saving, etc. I really am hopeful that this will be a temporary situation. I want to give him a break for a little bit but at the same time I need to sit down with him an hash out a what if plan. What if you don't get any of the jobs that are posted nationwide? What if nothing comes open? Do we send you back to school?
The less pessimistic version of me is saying, he will get something really quickly and he will have to pick up and move somewhere outside Eugene. And while the prospect of him working makes me happy, it also fills me with dread. It is so frustrating to think that it is only a matter of time before I have to leave my job. I finally found somewhere that I really feel is for me. A lot of it is clerical but the opportunities it brings my way are worth the paper pushing time. I love being involved in the community resource network we have going, I love working with the other agencies. When our friends started dropping like flies around Pipeworks we would occasionally have the "what if I were next" chat. And we've kind of informally made the decision that we would get him set up in whatever this destination is and I would stay behind. It would be difficult, but I simply will not leave my job for the unknown. When we moved to Oregon I wish I had done that differently. I was in a position where I couldn't transfer to a store because of internal bullshit. Had I stayed behind for even 5 more months I could have secured a well paying position at a local store but I felt like we were up against a wall. My supervisor at the time gave me some false hope that I would in fact be able to figure this whole thing out but quickly stopped returning my calls and it wasn't until about 2 weeks later when I attempted to log into our employee site that I realized I was no longer an employee of VZW.
It really all turned out for the best I guess. It could have worked out better I'm sure but I spent 11 months working for Enterprise-Rent-A-Car before finding my home at EWEB. I suppose I've always known that this isn't the place where I'll retire. Mike isn't a small town kind of guy and has way too much potential to be trapped in a place like Pipeworks. But when I started working in limited income I felt like I had found the job for me. This here is home.