Someday's you just have to smile through the pain and know that there is a higher power that is watching over you. There is a plan greater than all of us and regardless of how things may seem to you, you really don't know what the greater good is.
With the holiday's approaching, I think we find ourselves contemplating on the year. Our successes and our failures, our blessings and our losses. It becomes a period of remembering what we have and tossing an extra dollar in that donation bucket or buying a can of food to put in a collection bin. As warm and fuzzy as we all feel when we do this it always leaves me with a feeling of guilt. Because I can and should be doing more. I should be doing something everyday, not only because some holiday is upon us. That I should be thankful everyday for every breath I take, for every smile I see, for every meal I have, for every morning I wake up to, for every time I hear my mothers voice. And I am... most days. I've spent a lot of time reflecting this year. Trying to figure out who I am and who I am supposed to be; realizing that I am more than the sum of my own parts. I am a complete person because of those around me, the people who love me and even those who hate me. I am made up of the personalities of my beautiful friends who know when to hug me and are glad to tell me I need my meds. I have learned from the amazing strength and courage of a stranger how to choose joy and from his beautiful wife, how to accept that the master plan doesn't mean it won't hurt. I watched my friend suffer through one of the most painful losses she will ever experience with such grace, strength and courage that she was there supporting others that have suffered the same loss and grief only days after her own. I have been privileged to be part of my sisters life has she grows into a completely different, stronger, smarter and braver woman than she was. I take no pleasure in the pain and struggles she has faced but feel overjoyed to be part of her life as she overcomes them so triumphantly coming out on the other side stronger and like a brighter star. I get a sense of pride watching her grow, none of it is my doing of course but I feel validated. For so long I've wanted someone to understand what I've felt when I've served someone a hot meal or given someone a hot cup of coffee as they come in from the cold. I've always feared that others might think I'm tooting my own horn or that I have some other agenda for wanting to spend my time this way. But I do it because I owe it to others. I owe it to them because for some reason I have been given more than I deserve. One smile or one thank you are more than enough payment for my time.There are no words in any language that can truly define that feeling. It is something you can only experience, it is heart breaking and it is uplifting and it is humbling. I want to share with you what my sister wrote on facebook today because I can't do justice to her feelings either, I can tell you it brought tears to my eyes. You get it sissy, you really really get it. "I appreciate & thank you all for your support - times get tough & when it rains it sure does pour. Seems like one bad thing right after another bad thing..when you think it couldn't get any worse, something else happens. As luck would have it, or I should say as God willed it, I was lucky enough to have the chance to help out my dear friend, Erik the Busy Little Queen. He asked for my help and I wholeheartedly said yes. He asked if I could deliver all the blankets & food he has collected so far. Natty & I drove to a church in Temecula that runs Project Touch which helps out homeless men, women & children. I explained why I was there & all Heaven broke loose. The joy that these blankets and cans of food brought these people was exhilarating. This is what I needed, what my heart needed. To be there, to talk to some of these people, to see and feel the happiness in a little girl when Natty handpicked a blanket that had a babydoll attached to it was unimaginable. Thank you Erik and thank you God for helping me see a light that I was looking for. For helping me remember that it can always be worse, but that people are good. So tonight I will lay my little head on my pillow and say my prayers with a whole lot of extra love, extra thankfulness, and extra joy. I learned my Thanksgiving lesson today. Happy Thanksgiving, my friends. May you all be lucky enough to find that extra little something we all need. Love you all"
It's those beautiful moments that can haunt you the most. They start you on this trip down the rabbit hole wanting to fix the world. To feed every hungry person and to clothe every naked person. To bring peace to every troubled soul and a warm bed to every homeless person. It's not the worst thing in the world right? It's just something to reflect on. You might not change the world but you can help someone change their world. Lets all make a resolution today, to carry the euphoria from the holiday season throughout the year. To reflect and adjust our outlook and our attitudes every day not once a year. To choose joy in all our circumstances and to lead our lives as an example to others so that they too will learn how to choose joy.
Wednesday
Saturday
thanks giving
I was driving home this morning recognizing every face I drove past. The ones that are usually invisible to me and probably you too. The unclean, scruffy men and women that live on the streets of Anycity, USA. Not long ago I was talking to them, spending time with them, interacting with them. But now I was in my warm car groaning under my breath about running out of gas and my achy back and they were back on the streets.
The steps up to my condo seemed to go on forever. I felt heavy with guilt. I just came from the basement of a church downtown where 50 men and women and some pets all spent the night like a giant slumber party. At 5:30 we had the changing of the guards. New volunteers streamed in and a few night watchmen got relieved of their posts to go home. 6 am was the wake up call. Folks started stirring awake and prepping for their day. A group of lovely old ladies and a few good men were already started in the kitchen. Coffee and breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast, a little cheese. When I got in I was told I was on clean up crew and I could have stayed in bed a while longer. I thought boy I wish I'd known that! What a jerk I am.
I sat around for a few minutes, the guests were still getting up. A few were sitting in the foyer with us and we chit chatted til people got moving. I made a job for myself helping retrieve peoples belongings and giving away bus passes. I collected blankets and packed stuff away. People kept thanking me for being there and I had to stop myself from saying thank you for coming. Cause really Zu, I don't think they would be there if there was anywhere else for them to be. They were all so friendly. I don't know why I expected anything else but I was just surprised at how kind they all were. One man came out of the sleeping room with a huge grin on his face. He said he came in and got dinner which he totally wasn't expecting and went to bed. He said he got up to pee and then right back to his mat and slept like a baby. It's terrible that these places can't be open all the time...
Last night I worked at a church near our place. I did intakes, something like 18 people during the time I was there. Once everyone was checked in they were free to hang around until dinner or they could go to bed. I spent the next few hours chatting with people watched others put together puzzles and read books or their bibles. It was so humbling to spend time with them.
I spent time with 3 men they were all older men, kind and happy with a little sadness in their eyes. When I was doing their intake one of them stopped and said to me "do you know how many lives you're saving tonight?"
I walked in the door a while ago, exhausted and sad. I climbed into my king size bed where my husband slept while cartoons played on the tv that we keep on all night for his sleeping comfort. And I sobbed. I sobbed as quietly as I could so as to not wake him. I got out of bed and came to my living room, turned on our 40 something or 50 something inch tv and pulled my lap top off the floor. My brand new lap top connected to my over priced wireless network. And I think, why do I deserve any of this?
The steps up to my condo seemed to go on forever. I felt heavy with guilt. I just came from the basement of a church downtown where 50 men and women and some pets all spent the night like a giant slumber party. At 5:30 we had the changing of the guards. New volunteers streamed in and a few night watchmen got relieved of their posts to go home. 6 am was the wake up call. Folks started stirring awake and prepping for their day. A group of lovely old ladies and a few good men were already started in the kitchen. Coffee and breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast, a little cheese. When I got in I was told I was on clean up crew and I could have stayed in bed a while longer. I thought boy I wish I'd known that! What a jerk I am.
I sat around for a few minutes, the guests were still getting up. A few were sitting in the foyer with us and we chit chatted til people got moving. I made a job for myself helping retrieve peoples belongings and giving away bus passes. I collected blankets and packed stuff away. People kept thanking me for being there and I had to stop myself from saying thank you for coming. Cause really Zu, I don't think they would be there if there was anywhere else for them to be. They were all so friendly. I don't know why I expected anything else but I was just surprised at how kind they all were. One man came out of the sleeping room with a huge grin on his face. He said he came in and got dinner which he totally wasn't expecting and went to bed. He said he got up to pee and then right back to his mat and slept like a baby. It's terrible that these places can't be open all the time...
Last night I worked at a church near our place. I did intakes, something like 18 people during the time I was there. Once everyone was checked in they were free to hang around until dinner or they could go to bed. I spent the next few hours chatting with people watched others put together puzzles and read books or their bibles. It was so humbling to spend time with them.
I spent time with 3 men they were all older men, kind and happy with a little sadness in their eyes. When I was doing their intake one of them stopped and said to me "do you know how many lives you're saving tonight?"
I walked in the door a while ago, exhausted and sad. I climbed into my king size bed where my husband slept while cartoons played on the tv that we keep on all night for his sleeping comfort. And I sobbed. I sobbed as quietly as I could so as to not wake him. I got out of bed and came to my living room, turned on our 40 something or 50 something inch tv and pulled my lap top off the floor. My brand new lap top connected to my over priced wireless network. And I think, why do I deserve any of this?
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