thanks giving

I was driving home this morning recognizing every face I drove past. The ones that are usually invisible to me and probably you too. The unclean, scruffy men and women that live on the streets of Anycity, USA. Not long ago I was talking to them, spending time with them, interacting with them. But now I was in my warm car groaning under my breath about running out of gas and my achy back and they were back on the streets.
The steps up to my condo seemed to go on forever. I felt heavy with guilt. I just came from the basement of a church downtown where 50 men and women and some pets all spent the night like a giant slumber party. At 5:30 we had the changing of the guards. New volunteers streamed in and a few night watchmen got relieved of their posts to go home. 6 am was the wake up call. Folks started stirring awake and prepping for their day. A group of lovely old ladies and a few good men were already started in the kitchen. Coffee and breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast, a little cheese. When I got in I was told I was on clean up crew and I could have stayed in bed a while longer. I thought boy I wish I'd known that! What a jerk I am.
I sat around for a few minutes, the guests were still getting up. A few were sitting in the foyer with us and we chit chatted til people got moving. I made a job for myself helping retrieve peoples belongings and giving away bus passes. I collected blankets and packed stuff away. People kept thanking me for being there and I had to stop myself from saying thank you for coming. Cause really Zu, I don't think they would be there if there was anywhere else for them to be. They were all so friendly. I don't know why I expected anything else but I was just surprised at how kind they all were. One man came out of the sleeping room with a huge grin on his face. He said he came in and got dinner which he totally wasn't expecting and went to bed. He said he got up to pee and then right back to his mat and slept like a baby. It's terrible that these places can't be open all the time...
Last night I worked at a church near our place. I did intakes, something like 18 people during the time I was there. Once everyone was checked in they were free to hang around until dinner or they could go to bed. I spent the next few hours chatting with people watched others put together puzzles and read books or their bibles. It was so humbling to spend time with them.
I spent time with 3 men they were all older men, kind and happy with a little sadness in their eyes. When I was doing their intake one of them stopped and said to me "do you know how many lives you're saving tonight?"
I walked in the door a while ago, exhausted and sad. I climbed into my king size bed where my husband slept while cartoons played on the tv that we keep on all night for his sleeping comfort. And I sobbed. I sobbed as quietly as I could so as to not wake him. I got out of bed and came to my living room, turned on our 40 something or 50 something inch tv and pulled my lap top off the floor. My brand new lap top connected to my over priced wireless network. And I think, why do I deserve any of this?