Effective immediately the scale is leaving the house. Mike and I decided this was the best thing to do for a number of reasons. Fasting has never been exclusively about losing weight. Honestly weight loss has been one of the lower priorities of as far as a fast is concerned. First and foremost we are seeking a way to break free from the addiction to processed foods and over eating that we have struggled with all our lives. Who hasn't heard the old saying that your body is your temple? Seriously my body has been like a run down looted, gutted out and burned down old temple. Not even snakes or spiders would call it home.
The journey of self discovery and renewal that I have been on for the last few years has brought me understanding of my addiction to food. I have a very disruptive and emotionally unsatisfying relationship with food. I don't know why it is, I can't say it's my heritage cause frankly this is all inside of me. It is how I respond to my emotions. It is my comfort when I am so drained and there is nothing left of myself, I choose to replenish it with food. I have to stop living to eat. Weight loss may come or it may not but regardless that is not the end all of my journey.
The scale in this house has more and more become a way of finding my self worth. Did I do well this week? Great I am so proud of myself! If I didn't I begin to judge myself, think of every piece of food that I might have snuck in while Mike wasn't around. I begin to measure myself up against Mike, who can go out for a bike ride and have lost 3 or 4lbs to my 2 for the week. I have to stop doing that. This is not why I am doing this.
When we first began juicing it was about the weight loss. That's what we saw this guy on some documentary achieve! But as the days went on and we started noticing the decrease in our insulin in take, our renewed energy and strength... I was sleeping through the night! Wow what an idea that food can truly affect your life in ways other than making your not hungry.
For Mike continuing on and fasting multiple more times during our life can mean the end of all his insulin and pills and living a diabetes free life. That is something I truly hope we can achieve. That unfortunately isn't in the cards for me. However, I know that breaking the cycle of addiction and emotional eating will lead me to a happier healthier life. I want that so badly for myself. I want that more than I want to be free of the diabetes. I can live with the diabetes and I can live well, but this sick cycle of emotions is something I can't live with.
The last number of weeks I have been under immense amounts of stress, worry and fear. Who wouldn't be? Mike is coming up on a year of unemployment, taxes are due, I have more work than I can shake a stick at and my husband is leaving for 2 months all in the middle of a fast. My old handy go to friend is not allowed to play with me! If all this were going on and I was eating you can bet your ass I would have been a good 30Lbs heavier by the time Mike got back from Cinci. I'm missing my parents and I worry about my mom and her broken leg and what might happen with that. I hear how depressed she sounds when I've spoken to her and it makes my heart hurt. It makes me want to reach for a bag of chips. Because the chips will comfort me if only temporarily.
As of late they haven't, I have on a few occasions snuck some and frankly they weren't enjoyed. I just felt a desperation to eat them before anyone saw me or god forbid Mike found out. But almost every time I would confess my sins to Mike who would tell me it was ok, just don't do it again. You're right thanks hon, until the next time. I'd get on the scale and wait for its reproach. And I would leave the room head hung low. Yesterday was a bit of a breaking point for me. I can't continue doing this. I refuse to be a slave to that scale. It does not congratulate me for going an entire day on juice, it only reprimands me for the bag of chips. It doesn't say you're doing awesome in Jazzercise keep it up! It says you did it again didn't you? So that is why until we reach 122 days of juice the scale will find itself in the trunk of the car. Because that is the only place it belongs.
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