From a young age I knew I was over weight. My mom and aunts commented on our looks and I could see the difference between me and the other kids. I remember wanting to exercise and there were times when I would go "running" I was maybe 5 or 6 years old and I would wake up early on the weekend, put on my matching sweat pants and shirt and my Velcro shoes and grab my walk man as I walked out the door. I never made it very far, I'd run out of breath and energy and have to huff back to the house.
The question was whether I have identified as overweight or obese my entire life... I think in a lot of ways that identification was made for me. I have so many memories that are just flooding back.
I had a 2 piece bikini when I was a kid, it was so colorful and I was so excited to wear it. I finally got the chance to when we visited my grandparents in Mexico one summer. I distinctly remember that I didn't feel all that uncomfortable in it though I probably looked it. I remember seeing a picture later on and I just looked so god awful in it. The memory hurts but it is honest. That same suit was at the center of a fight I had with my sister not long after that. I had a friend since kindergarten, her name was Lolita. One day she came over after school and I was so excited because none of my friends ever came over. The excitement was certainly short lived. My sister being the older and cooler one of the two, with better ideas for what to do convinced my friend to go play with her. My sister wanted me to loan my bathing suit to Lolita so they could go play in the sprinklers or something. Whatever it was it involved water. I refused. I was too fat for it but I was not going to let her wear it. I was angry and probably hurt that I wasn't being included, I'm still angry about it today! Ha...
As I got older kids got meaner but for me the bullying always started at home. When I was 8 my little brother was born. I was so excited about him and loved him so so dearly. By the time I was 10 and he was 2 and able to talk things weren't so rosy anymore. My sister taught him to be cruel to me. He was like a tiny parrot for her to play with. I don't know how old he was but at one point he was chanting "fat, fat, fatty!!" or "shamuuuuu". He would giggle and think he was doing something good but he was cutting wounds that really haven't healed. 20 years later and I still remember all of them. I don't blame him and I don't hate him. I love my brother he is a wonderful man, do I blame my sister? Yes, I do. I can't hold her solely responsible because she too was a kid and couldn't understand the implications of her actions just as I couldn't. It hurt deeply and it does today just as much, so who's to blame? I don't quite know if there is blame to be placed. There is infinite amounts of pain though.
I felt like reading the opening pages of the book was like reading the story of my life. Set before me in a way that finally made some semblance of sense. So let me tell you what the national eating disorders association describes BED as: recurrent binge eating without the regular use of compensatory measures -- such as vomiting, excessive exercise, or using laxatives -- to counter the binges.
- Some symptoms include: Frequent episodes of eating large quantities of food in relatively short periods of time.
- Feeling out of control over eating behavior
- Feeling ashamed or disgusted by the behavior
- Eating rapidly
- Eating in secret
- Eating until uncomfortably full
So sure while a lot of us fatties might eat rapidly or until uncomfortably full how many of you are feeling ashamed of yourself to the point of tears or like you literally cannot stop? I do. I'm raising both hands over here. I have gotten myself to the point where I have been in so much pain that I have tried forcing myself to vomit but I cannot make it happen. Recently there was an incident involving a few too many cups of white rice which left me in so much agony and shame and disgust that after failing to make it come up I was ready to drive my ass down to walmart for some ipecac. Instead I laid on the couch in the only position which didn't hurt and I waited for it to pass. When the pain had subsided enough I went into the kitchen and finished off the remaining rice. And then I cried. A girls account in the book talks about the postbinge guilt trip. It reads "All of my focus comes off of my work and onto my flaws. I think about how I have no self-control, how I'm obese, and I look down at my belly in disgust and let my thoughts abuse me." I can't tell you how frequently this happens. Often I end up picking up the phone and crying to Mike for absolution. I don't know why but I always want him to tell me what I did wasn't as bad as I think it is. He usually will and that will silence the screaming in my head for a bit. But there is always a next time...
So do I think I am an emotional eater or a binge eater... I never considered there could be a difference but now I realize that I am a binge eater. Sure emotion can be fueling it but ultimately I binge. I would eat the whole world away if I could.
I remember a number of years ago Mike and I considered the idea of weight loss surgery. To the extent that we went to a seminar about it. They talked about how you suddenly felt full! These people they understood what that feeling was. One woman raised her hand and asked "what does feeling full have to do with anything?" What does it indeed.
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