Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.


****Please know this isn't a cry for help or attention. I'm just working through something and the best way I know how is to write it out. *****


I see a lot of odd folks around the office. It’s just part of the business. Most of the time they’re friendly and sometimes they linger around in hopes of chatting someone up. I don’t think it is for any other reason than to talk to someone else. There’s one man I’ve noticed a few times now, he comes in and takes care of his business and then sits to wait for the bus. After sitting for maybe 20 minutes he makes his way to my window and starts talking to me. It has been the same conversation each time. He installed digital thermometers in his home and his bills have dropped significantly. He has asthma and can’t sleep at night; he also has diabetes and has been known to lose consciousness from low blood sugar. All stuff he shares with me during each visit.

This morning he added that he hasn’t been sleeping well. He found out his friend killed a cop. That caught my attention! For you non Eugenians; Friday afternoon a local officer attempted to stop a woman who ran a light. A high speed chase ensued which ended when the driver got stuck in traffic, the officer got dangerously close and was shot. The man in my office knew this woman. He said she was in a support group with him. I didn’t ask what kind of group but he mentioned that she dropped out of it and her life seemed to slide downhill after her mom died a few years back. He said he knew she had mental issues but he could have never imagined that she could do something like this. He kept saying something must have made her snap.

It bothered me… not listening to him, but this whole idea of someone snapping like that. Through my career and education limited as though they may be I’ve learned about mental health. I’ve learned that a lot of homeless people come to that point not because they are lazy but because of circumstances that create the perfect storm. That may not be the case for all but it is for some. How could one not believe that when we have so many social agencies working to provide mental health care to the poorest of the poor in our communities?

It is frightening to me. It is frightening to think that this is something that could occur to me. I make light of my relentless depression, my crazy outbursts, my diagnosis; but I wonder how many of these people started out like me. Just a little weird, just a little depressed. I think back to a lot of the moments that made me crack. For example the time when I was a deep breath away from putting a steak knife in Mike’s ass. It sounds funny to say, maybe for some of you not funny in a haha kind of way. But what if I had done it? What if I had stabbed Mike? I’m sure I would have ended up in the Johnson Unit or in cuffs for domestic assault. That isn’t the only moment where I’ve wanted to cause something or someone harm. And there have been events that occurred, things that really sicken me to remember which even Mike doesn’t know of. What kind of change would that have caused in the trajectory of my life?

When I was home for lunch earlier I mentioned a bit of this to Mike. Like we always do he made a joke, you would only see the dust he left behind because he took off so quickly. People would be like “wow who knew that big boy could move that fast!” Of course I don’t believe he would leave me. We are a huge burden for each other; he takes care of me as much as I take care of him. It looks differently for each of us. He’s the big silent type, so when he speaks you’d better listen or you might miss something really important. I piss and moan and bitch and rant and rave all day long. I make doctor’s appointments, I cancel doctor’s appointments, constantly ask if he’s ok.

Can you imagine bringing another life into this circus of a life? I couldn’t. Whether or not I actually want children it would be the most irresponsible thing I could ever do. All of my supporters agree that it isn’t anyone’s business but Mike and my own. Wouldn’t it be great if everyone else could understand that? I watch way more reality tv than anyone should, and let me tell you. People are incredibly fucked up. They talk about their alcoholic, drug addicted, and mentally unstable parents and how they made them who they are today. Now imagine for a moment what would happen if I had a child. It would likely be a fat diabetic baby. If it were lucky it would only be fat and diabetic. Chances are this child would have a myriad of other health problems. Asthma I’m sure, bad eyes, I don’t know. What else are babies born with? My brother had pneumonia just out of the womb and he grew up to be kind of dumb. I don’t blame the pneumonia though.

So we already have a poor kid, predisposed to all sorts of shitty stuff. Add to it a crazier than shit mom who can’t stand the sound of crying babies, who will likely be suffering from post partum depression (you can’t take depakote during pregnancy). That child will be lucky to make it out of infancy. I know it is horrifying; but I honestly can’t say without a shadow of a doubt that I would never ever ever ever harm that child. It is something I simply can’t risk.

I think my greatest fear has become losing control of my mind. Not being able to trust what I know and living out my days in a padded room in a drug induced haze.