Beggars can be choosers

Beggars can't be choosers. Where did that silly expression begin? Who says a beggar has lost the right to choose? Last night I watched a woman walk out into the cold night because of her own convictions. Because she was offended by one of the people that were there to give her a warm and safe place to sleep.
It broke the remaining solid pieces of my heart into tiny crumples. I spent all evening with her just chatting, she never intended to stay. She wouldn't take a cup of coffee that was provided by food for lane county. She never said why but she said she didn't accept anything from them. She wasn't a drug user, or a drunk. She was a mother to 3 adult children, a grandmother to 8 and a great-grandmother to 2. Life has a funny way of taking you to places you never expect. She didn't want to talk about her family much, only to say she loves them very, very much and it is painful to talk about them sometimes.
From the moment she sat down to chat with us she made it clear she wasn't staying, only came in to warm up. As the bitterly cold night dragged on she finally said what I was hoping to say. "Take my info, I'll stay tonight." It warmed me up to know she wouldn't be spending the night outside alone in some dark and cold place. At least for this night when I had come to care she would have somewhere safe to be. Then just as unexpectedly a side conversation began, some maybe not so light hearted banter took place and she said never mind. Please stay I asked her, please. No, she couldn't do that. It wasn't pride that kept her from staying, it was her conviction that no man could take a stand as was taken in the house of the lord. It was crushing to see her walk out into the cold, get on her bicycle and ride into the night.
My shift ended almost immediately after and I walked out determined that if I should see her I would take her home with me to give her a warm safe place to stay. But I didn't find her... I went there last night hoping to find something my soul was crying out for. To soothe my aches or to simply distract myself from my fears, pains and struggles. And I found something in her. She listened to me make no sense as I tried to get things off my chest without falling apart to tears. She reminded me that God is bigger than all my worries and will never steer me wrong. That sometimes we have to go back into the cold and trust that HE will see us through.