Seeing my shrink today... It’s my last session with her and I’m starting to get some serious anxiety about it. We hit dead ends with every doctor she suggested for ongoing care. It’s frustrating and I’m a little scared of going forth on my own. Mike and I were talking about Carnie Wilson today; I was reading an article about her most recent weight loss surgery. Yes I said “most recent”, she had surgery once before and now she’s had lap band surgery. I wonder how many more times she’s going to do something of the sort before she starts to understand it isn’t just a matter of being capable of eating or not. Back in the day when I went through the beginning stages of the process for bariatric surgery they placed a high emphasis on psychological screenings. At least it seemed that way to me. I met with a dietary psychologist once, who even knew that was a specialty? Anyway she had asked some questions about why I wanted to do it and whatnot. She was concerned because I wasn’t the size of her typical patients. I was 215lbs at the time and the only reason they could consider me at that weight is because of the co morbidities. Funny how much weight I’ve gained and lost from that point. I’m currently about 10lbs lighter than that but I ballooned up as high as 245 and I’ve sat at every weight point in between. But the point was that they explained if I chose to continue through the process I would be meeting with this psychologist for a good 10 sessions prior to surgery. That was when it was still a relatively new procedure, before the days where you could drive down any highway in California and see billboards for 1-800-LAP-BAND. I think it is now being seen almost as a “cosmetic” procedure which it absolutely is not. There can be some serious complications from it but because it isn’t gastric-bypass doctors are pushing people through it like cattle.
Some days I regret my decision not to go through with it, others I don’t. I know for a fact that having the surgery wouldn’t have fixed my food issues and I don’t know if I was ready to face them at the age I was. I was 22 when I was considering it and when I think back I say wow I was young! At the ripe old age of 28 no less! But really I think I’ve done a lot of growing in those 6 years. I always joke that I am bitter beyond my years but really I think I’ve just experienced a lot. I’ve been managing my own healthcare since I was a teenager. Not because my parents didn’t care but because they really couldn’t. They both worked very hard and long hours to be able to provide me with the health insurance I was blessed to have. I was in an interesting situation, making some pretty serious health care decisions on my own. Accepting the recommendations of the doctors I was seeing and even scheduling my own surgeries. That kind of stuff is hard for someone who’s been around the block a few times let alone a 17 year old!
Mike thinks we’re both better for opting against weight loss surgery. It’s a feeling of self gratification, proving to oneself that you can in fact do it. For me it’s neither here or there. I’m still struggling. I am glad to see 45lbs gone but it upsets me that I could have let myself get to that weight because I feel like I am where I should have been starting. Sure it is the same for Mike isn’t it? But I am pretty angry at myself most of the time. I am angry that I lack the self control. I want to make the excuse that maybe this just isn’t for everyone. Sure I have made far better choices since this all began but I continue to fall into the same ditches that I dug before. Sometimes it feels like this restriction I continue to place on myself is just making me lash out and it is. I have eaten more potato chips since we started juicing than I probably ate in 4 months without juice. A bag here a bag there and then a laxative. Believe you me; if I could force myself to vomit I would only because some days I wonder what I might be doing to my intestines. We’ve all seen the 1970’s eating disorder films they used to show in school right? We all know the perils of bulimia but what do laxatives do? Oh I could certainly google the answer to that but it would scare the wits out of me. It isn’t an everyday occurrence but what does even once a week or every other week do? Maybe it is something I should look at before I cause permanent damage. Maybe it is time I stop trying to hold myself to some unattainable measure of success. Maybe I should just be glad that I gave it a chance, I want to say that I gave it my all but is that a lie? I think about that, I gave it my all… and I have thoughts floating into my mind of potato chips being crammed in my mouth, bowls of plain rice, raw veggies. Was that really giving it my all? Given my circumstances maybe it was.
Only time will tell what will happen once I'm on my own. I don't like the feeling that's for sure.
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