We just finished our second go around of day 31. I'm really proud of the fact that I have stuck with this for so long, I have honestly surprised myself. Still I am so frustrated and tired and I wonder if it is worth it. Let's be honest this entire year hasn't been the best for me. The last few weeks and especially the last few days have been the toughest and I am starting to crack around the edges. I know that working out consistently is good for me physically and mentally but at the same time I seriously resent it and Mike. I have given up so many nights of hanging out with friends because I'm not allowed to. I have to come straight home so I can get my sweat on and by the time I'm done usually 7pm or later I'm so sweaty and tired that I can't imagine showering, getting dressed, and going out. Plus people are calling it a night by that time because we all work or my friends have kids and husbands they have to get home to. I resent the fact that Mike can go out and stay out late and then sleep in because his desk is in the room next door and he can work in his underwear if he even has work to do! On the weekends I'm forced to stay close to home cause we will eventually have to get that work out in. I really just want a break from my life, from all the bullshit, I just want to have some fun, i want to relax and I want someone else to do my laundry and fold it and put it away.
I'm grumpy and I'm tired of it... I want so badly to just relax with a glass of wine and I can't even bring myself to do that cause goddamn it I just finished working out and I can't just ruin it with booze. Jeez, how's this for a pitty party? I am appreciative of everything I have, I'm appreciative of my health, that my family is safe and healthy and happy, that I have a job that pays my rent and that I have a roof over my head. All my basic needs are met but I really feel like I'm the hamster in the wheel just running in place never getting further than I am and I just want to jump out of the fucking wheel and set that fucker on fire. Maybe then I'd jump through the flaming hoop for kicks...
I think your work issues and workout issues are interfering with your life. Is there a way to normalize your workouts with Mike so you know what to expect and when? If you have a schedule that gives you time off for living, I'm all for it. I also realize you and Mike have a goal that demands respect. Melt downs are expected. Wiggle around until everything works for you and, you are right, there's a lot to be thankful for. I, for one, am thankful that I know you!!!
ReplyDeleteLove, Susan S.