In just a few minutes we will be marking a year since you made a decision to end your life. I don't know if you truly understood the repercussions of your decision. I imagine that the pain you were in at that moment made it impossible to clearly see there was another resort. Did you consider the pain you would leave behind? Did you consider how deeply you would impact the lives of all of those who considered you a friend? Everyone who has ever loved you?
When I think of you I"m torn between anger and guilt. I'm angry that you did this to all of us. I'm furious with you. You were such a smart man, such a caring man. And I feel guilty for considering the pain you left behind while considering that you had to be in insurmountable pain in order to do such a thing. I want to punch you in the gut and I want to hug you and breathe you in as though I might never see you again. I miss your humor, your sarcasm and cynical ways. It wasn't all roses with you. I think in death we always choose to hold steadfastly to the good memories and ignore the bad times. But without the bad we couldn't have the good. I can remember some of the ugly days we had. I remember you made me cry but you also made me smile more times than I can count. You made me laugh when all I wanted to do was continue crying. And even as I sit remembering you and crying, I smile for those good times.
I want to know why. I know that knowing your reason won't bring you back. Still I want and need to know what you were thinking in those last hours. I simply cannot fathom what could evoke such an action. I dream that you're here, that it was all a long terrible dream that we couldn't bring ourselves out of. You are never far from my memories. I find myself surprised by grief. It finds me while driving, out of the blue on a perfectly good day. Suddenly I'm a sea of tears. It isn't fair, you are my friend and I am entitled to grieve. Where do we go from here? I've learned that grief isn't one size fits all. I read recently "time doesn't really heal, it only makes living more bearable".
I want to yell to the heavens, demand that they return you, but it's been a year and you're not coming back.
Oh, ZuZu - I couldn't have said it better. What beautiful heart felt words. He just can't have known how much he meant to everyone. I, too, feel the anger and the love. I suppose since he is/was my son that I feel things differently than all of his friends but I must say, all of you express what I feel. You are truly wonderful people.
ReplyDeleteLove, Susan S.