She can has do Salsa?!

She can has not do salsa. Zuzu does not dance. Zuzu seizes and flaps and flops like some sort of injured animal or fish out of water gasping for its last breath. But what Zuzu does do is fall off the wagon. Zuzu fell face first into a salsa bar. Which wouldn't have been so bad if there were no chips involved. But you know what else Zuzu does? She keeps it real. And now I will end this 3rd person speak.
The office had its anual salsa contest and it all started when a sweet well intentioned coworker brought some of her salsa to the back office for everyone to enjoy. Along with a bag of chips. Well I have been having a morning full of self inflicted stress which I really should just let go of until I have something to worry or panic about or something like that. But I'm totally neurotic and think worst case scenario and blah blah blah. Ok so I have to ride my bike in the rain so what? Some people do that on purpose cause they're green like that! I should be doing it on purpose cause I'm fat! Yeah I said it. Get on that bike you damn fatty! Pedal, pedal! I feel like I should be cracking a whip at my own fat ass. I know I'm sounding a bit harsh, but whatever works. I need to keep riding into the winter cause that bike won't pay for itself, gotta make it worth the cost. Mike's talking accessories like a basket that doesn't scratch my paint and saddle bags. That sounds too fancy for me. I just need something to carry some groceries in if I'm gonna ride 5 miles each way to get them. Keep in mind I totally exaggerate, I could easily make it to Safeway in like 20 minutes but I choose to torment myself and immagine that it is some insane distance that could never possibly be measured just so I can say yeah forget it I'll just continue to warm this here spot on the couch...
If you hadn't caught on yet, I have been forgetting a dose or two here and there. There is always a reason and not a method to my madness. Somewhere up there, and if you were here I would wave my hands around for you, there was a point. But that point is lost, the ship has sailed, the train left the station all cause I saw something shinny. Oh right, salsa and chips. So I was having a rough morning and there was salsa, which at first I thought was only for the enjoyment of a select group of tasters and I was like oh well that's not fair but whatever I don't need to be eating that anyway. Then one of the girls came in with her salsa and was all like have at some of this yall and I was like oh hell to the yes! I'd been talking about eating a pie all morning so when salsa appeared it was like the skies opened up with a ray of light pointing right at the chips. So I had some salsa and only like 4 or 5 chips cause then I remembered I had a cucumber at my desk that I swipped earlier. Well swipped makes me sound like the swipper from Dora, it was a community offering so I partook in said offering. So anyway I grabbed the cucumer and I sliced it up and enjoyed it with the salsa. I had been tasked (really I offered) with picking up the remaining salsa for my cohort after the tasting was over and I said to G, can I just go get it now?! She laughed and said I should go have some. What?! I can has some?! I was out of my desk so fast you might have seen puffs of smoke trailing me. So there it was a giant spread of like 12 salsas and chips and I went to town. I didn't want to seem like a pig so I tasted each once then went back for one or two. But by the time I came back to my desk I was full of chips and shame. So much so that I had to confess to Mike. Ever the enabler and by that I mean encouraging husband, he told me it was okay but I should just lay off them. Ok I think that can be done.
I always have this urge to out myself when I've done something bad. At least on this juice fast. Mike assures me that the world isn't going to end because I had some chips and that all hell has not yet broken lose and that I need to wait until there is something trully worth worrying about before I start going into hyperdrive and that by george I need to take my damn pills.