All therapy no juice

Doc really took off the kid gloves today. I haven’t seen him in almost a year and he says so what’s new? What’s new? Well Doc I haven’t seen you in a year so, how much time do we have? I blathered on like a lunatic on crack. I feel so selfish for not saying so doc what’s new with you? Of course I am paying you to listen to me so do so attentively please. Luckily he’s not like the T.V doctors that would respond with something scripted like “How would knowing what my life has been like change how you’re feeling right now?” I would punch a T.V shrink so quickly. Condescending fucks.

So anyway I gave him the semi abridged recap of our lives. Went to Cinci, Mike’s mom was mean and hostile, Mike’s dad was cool, Grandma was nice and has a plethora of cool shit around her house. Came home, Mike got fired. Tired of hearing the PW war tales from the entire platoon… It’s funny how therapy works, one second you’re sitting there bitching about something then suddenly you realize what it sounded like coming out of your face hole. For instance, I realized how insensitive I have been towards Mike’s feelings. Getting let go from that place was a traumatic experience. They were some cruel bastards that took pleasure in it. And for every one of the platoon members it was probably traumatizing in their own way. Blah, blah, blah, juicing. Oh yeah we’re not eating food. We’re juicing. Crazy right? Mike lost 45lbs and he was biking like a maniac. He really liked hearing that. Then onto me…

I caught him up on all the stuff that happened with the family and how mom and I broke up. How I drank myself into oblivion trying to cope with the crumbling relationships in my life, how shitty “she” treated me. The horrible and painful things “she” said to me. And how disconnected it all left me feeling. I came away with a giant wad of tear soaked tissues and some revelations. Good and bad but mostly good. This idea of unconditional love has been difficult for me to wrap my mind around. It may take until I am old and frail to understand it and if I never do then that’s okay too. I wish there was scientific facts that could show in numbers, percentages, charts with colorful bars and pies what goes on in the soul. Abstract ideas are just so difficult when it makes no sense that someone would make certain choices.

He reminded me that you can really be unhappy with someone and really not like them but still love them deeply. To be angry at their choices and their actions and be hurt, feel betrayed maybe even want to smother them but continue to love them. It is possible. He said my parents are actually quite amazing people who have somehow managed to love us in a way that some parents are never able to love their children. A lot of people talk about unconditional love but my parents are honestly practicing it and whether it is enabling her to make further mistakes, it is a risk that they are choosing to take because they love her. He told me that my parents are in no way rejecting me by telling me they love us equally despite the horrible things she’s done but in fact I am rejecting my parents. I was taken aback by that statement. How can you tell me I am rejecting my parents? He told me to consider this: I love my babies who love their mother; do I feel rejected by the kids because they love their mother? No, I guess I don’t. So he said then why do you feel rejection from your parents because they love your sister? It cut me because it is true. I am hurt by their acceptance of her and I pushed away.

On the other side of the coin my other shrink helped me realize that part of the angst that I am feeling is because our relationship is forever changed. I have to build a new relationship with them. I am no longer just their little girl, I have grown up and it’s time I have a grown up relationship with them. I don’t care much for change especially if I am the one making the change. Yet here I am. Making changes, big ones: changes that don’t involve hair color and new clothes, changes that are more than skin deep. They both agreed that I am far from the person I was 2 or 3 years ago. He focused more on where I am right now; she is focusing on helping me get to where I am going. He reminded me that I’ve been talking myself through some tough situations and that’s a good thing. I need to continue with my own dialogue. I need to continue reminding myself who I am, what I am doing and why I need to do it.

Ha, a thought just came to mind as I finished that sentence… I might have mentioned when I started seeing the new doctor that she taught me about the two schools of psychology. I can’t remember the terminology but basically the idea that if you can think it you can become it and then the idea that you need to do it to achieve it. Cognitive and behavioral therapies I believe they are. And I would have to think back but I think she was more a behavioral therapist. I think he’s more a cognitive therapist. Maybe that’s why I was going hmmm a lot when I sat through therapy today. Anyway that was just a side discussion with myself which is over now, thank you for following along there!

Anyway I have struggled with my inflated pride in the past. We’ve talked about it, and we’ve worked through it. It’s a trait I picked up from my father. And chances are I am not the only one of my siblings with it. Ok I know my siblings inherited it as well, I was just trying to be nice. So what does that mean? Well that means that I can’t expect an apology. I really shouldn’t hold my breath waiting for one. As far as this person is concerned I don’t deserve one because they haven’t done anything wrong. Am I wrong in speaking for them? Meh, I really don’t think so. I have a good idea of what they think of me which is very little. Doc thinks it won’t be until this person starts to see that they have work to do on themselves that they might come around. So there we have it. I’m not entirely out of my mind; I just have some work to do on myself. I am eccentric, quirky, wild, sarcastic, kind, fun, boring, a prude, and a prune. I love too much, I am reckless, I am mean, and I am smart and dumb. Take me or leave me, you get what you get.