Lesson Learned

I had every intention to stick to my juice, I had done so well. Juice juice juice with the exception of that bag of pistachios the other night. Then a delivery man showed up at my desk with $60 worth of chinese food. Fucker. I stole a mushroom off a coworkers plate and was pleasantly surprised that it tasted like ass. MSG will do that to food! Then comes bunco and I threw all the rules out the window. I lasted all of I don't know 10-15 minutes before I gave up my resolution.
A few pieces of cucumber, a few pieces of bread, a couple crackers. It wasn't as gory and grease filled as it could have. There were no cheeseburgers, no fries and no potato chips while locked in the car crying in shame. I came home and like I always do, I confessed my sins to the mister. My stomach however was giving me no reprieve. There were not enough hail mary's that I could have said to have received penance for my actions. My stomach was howling! Oh it hurt and it grumbled and other stuff. So that's how that went. I absolutely cannot ever again do that. Never, ever, ever again! You cannot break a fast by just chomping down on something! So now I know. Now I also know that I should probably schedule a day of vacation for the end of my fast cause Mike and I will be fighting over the toilet if we fuck it up!
I was watching a show "white collar" and there's a scene with some woman waiting for her husband who's not coming home for dinner and she calls their golden retriever over and she lets it at his dinner. Oh good lord if I could have been that dog for that scene!
So where are we anyway? I kinda lost track... I want to say today is the 11th. Yeah that sounds right. The days start to blur together the only thing that differentiates one from the next is how hungry I am. We're gonna try and make more vegetable dense juices. I've had to lower my insulin intake to approximately 75% on an hourly basis. If we're consuming less fruit we're gonna have to slash the insulin again. Mike is already taking like less than half of what he was taking pre-juicing. You should know that his reduced level is just a smidge over what he was taking during the last fast. He has reduced his insulin in take by more than half since we started juicing last summer. That my friends is astounding! He's a dumb man sometimes but he really is an inspiration for me. The last time he took so little insulin was when he was a poor bastard living on his own and couldn't afford his insulin.
Yesterday we wandered out of the house and to the cash and carry for more produce. It was late in the afternoon and I was just about out of everything. Blood sugar was 110 before we left and I thought awesome right where it needs to be! Half an hour later in the cash and carry my brain was starting to turn mushy. Mike was getting annoyed cause he said I was mumbling which I probably was. When we got out to the car I was down to 80. That my friends was a 30 point drop in my glucose level over 30 minutes. Shit, no wonder my brain was going to mush! Instead of carrying the 50+ lbs of produce up the stairs to the house we opted for a break. We went to the mall, bought some juice and caught a movie. It was so hard to be there smelling all the food and seeing people enjoy their crap and people carrying boxes of cinnamon rolls all warm and gooey... Oh it was hard but it strengthens my resolve. I don't buy into the idea that after a few days a whopper from BK will look gross to me although after 4ish months it did. I see posts on the fat sick and nearly dead FB page of all these people who have fasted for 5 or 6 days and they're like oh I don't even crave that stuff anymore! I my friends call absolute bullshit on that. If that's what you need to say out loud so that people don't ask you why you're putting yourself through this then go right ahead. But make sure you're being honest to yourself behind closed doors otherwise this is all for not.
Why am I doing this to myself? For a number of reasons. Weight loss is not the #1 reason and I am being 100% honest when I say that. Sure weight loss would be awesome, I would love to be able to shop in the non-plus size departments but hey I'm not putting down anyone that does. What it boils down to is my quality of life.
It's pretty evident that Mike's mom and I don't always see eye to eye. I think I've shouted that from the roof tops on a few occasions with some maybe not so nice things to say. But maybe part of my issue is that I see so much of her in me and it scares the shit out of me. She will soon be undergoing hip replacement surgery, we thought that was the problem she was having causing her so much pain. Turns out it's only a small piece of the puzzle. This woman at 54 is having her hip replaced and has destroyed back discs and will probably be in immeasurable amounts of pain for the rest of her life. I at 28 have arthritis in my lower vertebrae, at least 1 compressed disc and my own bevy of health issues ranging from physical to mental. Now don't get me wrong, I am by no means going all whoa is me.
I do worry though, that one day I could end up in worse condition than my mother in law and that scares me. I don't want to be a sickly damaged person. I hope that this fast is the beginning of a number of sustained changes that will help me lead a better, healthier life. We make our own future and I know that I can make lemon juice out of the lemons I've been handed. Then I will mix them with some tomatoes and cucumber, some celery a little onion and a dash of vodka to make the best bloody mary of your life. So there you have it, day 11 and not giving up.